January 04, 2007
Well, you're supposed to make yourself "stand out", right?
Originally published August 3, 2002
I just created a form letter that I'm going to mass-mail to every on-line dating ad I find:
Hi! I am a bipolar, dyslexic, hare-lipped, alcoholic dwarf. I really liked the pitcher on your ad, so I decided to rite you. I liked that pitcher so much that I drool, and when I do that it looks like snails have been crawling all over my receeding chin.
If I had a date with you, I would like to bring you over to my house. Well, it's not really MY house. I live in the tool shed out back, kinda like that guy Carl did in Sling Blade. Did you ever see that movie? I LOVED that movie! Some people say that I remind them of Carl, but their joking, of course, ha, ha!
I like living where I do because the place is easy to find, on account of the "Registered Sex Offender" sign in the front yard. Oh, the sign is not for ME! It belonged to the guy who lived here before I came, and he forgot to take it with him when he moved. I decided to keep it. When I drink too much Thunderbird and smoke crack till my eye glazes over (the glass one never feels a thing), I see that sign and I know which driveway to crawl up. Crawling up the WRONG one has gotten me in trouble before, ha, ha.
I like animals, and I like to laugh. Have you ever tied two cats together by their tails and thrown them over a clothesline? Boy, do they ever FIGHT! I can watch that and laugh for HOURS! I like quiet walks on a lonely beach where nobody can see what I do, and I'm really into nature, especially that place in the woods behind the landfill where you could bury ANYTHING and nobody would ever find it.
I'm better at interacting in person than I am over the phone, so why don't you just send me your HOME ADDRESS? I like surprises, do you? I might show up when you least expect it, ha, ha.
Your Dream Lover
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