Gut Rumbles

April 14, 2006

public bathrooms

At the risk of pissing off a few people (yeah... I lose a lot of sleep worrying about doing THAT), I want to state a fact I learned the hard way when I was young: Wimmen fuck up a public bathroom worse than men do.

I'm not talking about peeing on the floor--- MEN are bad about that--- I'm talking about doing really disgusting things.

When I was 14 years old, I worked at a hamburger joint called "Chip's Drive In" on Waters Avenue in Savannah. On the night shift, one of my many duties after closing time was cleaning the bathrooms. Bejus! I learned to DESPISE that part of my job. It also destroyed my naive belief in the nobility of mankind.

The public bathrooms at the drive-in were located OUTSIDE the restaurant, at the back of the building. People could come and go as they pleased, without a lot of witnesses. When I went back there with my bucket, mop and disinfectant to muck out the mess, I never knew what I was going to find. Usually, it was pretty bad.

A typical men's room experience meant mopping several gallon of urine off the floor, cleaning greasy fingerprints and urine from the sink, and reading new grafitti, such as "St. Francis was a sissy" on the walls. I could usually handle that job by propping the door open, standing outside with a water hose and washing the place out before attempting to mop. Then, I could just mop, wipe, replace the pull-down towel in the sink rack, put fresh toilet paper on the roller and be out of there.

I always cleaned the men's room first. About the worst things I ever found in there was blood in the sink (probably the result of someone attempting to clean up after a drunken fist-fight) or an overflowing commode, plugged with a giant five-pound turd. Those problems, I could handle, even though I didn't like doing it.

But the ladies' room was different. Open THAT door and you entered an alternate universe, a world of incredibly disgusting filth and corruption. Bejus! That towel rack on the wall? Some sweet flower of Southern womanhood unrolled half of it and left shit-crusted HAND PRINTS all over the towel. How the hell did a woman ever get that much shit ON HER HANDS? And why did she wipe her hands ON THE TOWEL instead of using the sink to clean up?

Overflowing commode? Yep, got it right here, but NOT from a five-pound turd-pluggage. Just half a roll of toilet paper, used to daub the dew from the lilly and then becoming a soggy mass too large for the toilet to handle.

Sometimes, I saw SHIT ON THE FLOOR, something I never saw in the men's room. My Personal Protective Equipment consisted of elbow-length rubber gloves and nothing else. After entering that hell-hole a couple of times, I wanted a level-A Haz-Mat suit, complete with self-contained breathing apparatus, before I opened the door.

Fairer sex, my ass. I've SEEN what you ladies can to to a public bathroom. It ain't a pretty sight.

I've often wondered if cleaning those bathrooms as a young man is the reason I grew up to be such a misogynist today. I've often accused wimmen of possessing a "cleaning gene" that men lack, but they use it only in domestic settings, where they like to put frilly lid-covers on the commode so that the damn thing won't stay up by itself and a man has to piss by grabbing his Roscoe with one hand and holding the lid up with the other.

But they damn sure ignore that genetic "clean" instinct when it ain't THEIR bathroom they're using. I've seen evidence that wimmen can piss on a wall as well as men can, and even BETTER if you consider the contortion efforts involved to do so.

And SOME wimmen will dispose of a used tampon just about ANYWHERE...
But I'm not going to go there.

No wonder I am king of the crap-bloggers. I was tramautized when I was 14 years old.


... bloody hell....

Posted by: Eric on April 14, 2006 11:50 AM

My rules for using a public bathroom...

RULE #1: Upon entering a public bathroom, use a kleenex to open the door, (and the stall door as well) and never ever ever sit down in a public restroom.

RULE #2: Throw one or two sheets of toilet paper into water before PEEING, as it eliminates any splash back (when peeing from a "hovering" position)

RULE #3: When done, check seat for any sprinkles, (if found, use an ample, but not excessive, amount of toilet paper to clean it off)

RULE #4: Use foot to flush (there are never any exceptions to this rule)

RULE #5: Dispense fesh paper towels PRIOR to washing hands (therefore eliminating the need to touch the scuzzy handle on the towel dispenser AFTER you have washed up)

And as far as tampons go, I wrap it up in toilet paper (and toss it in the TRASH CAN) before proceeding to the sink.

Exit bathroom, (once again using a kleenex to open the door)

I am NOT one of those odious pigs who leaves a mess for someone else to clean up.

I used the mens room once in a small restaurant where the ladies room was out of order, and although I dont recall any OBVIOUS messes, I do recall that there was an overwhelming odor of urine.....(ugh)

OH and I always travel with a few Wash-N-Dris....

Posted by: Ruth on April 14, 2006 11:57 AM

Yes, but those ladies sure have some good pussy.

Posted by: Catfish on April 14, 2006 12:38 PM

I think the mess is from unsupervised young girls. Whereas a momma will take her pre-school age son into the ladies room and make sure he cleans up after himself, a daddy will send his little girl into the restroom by herself while he waits outside the door.

I canít explain the tampon messes though. My momma always taught me to wrap up used feminine hygiene products in so many layers of tissue or paper towels that the person who empties the trash canít tell what it is.

Why do men pee on the floor?

Posted by: Patty on April 14, 2006 02:16 PM

"RULE #5: Dispense fesh paper towels PRIOR to washing hands (therefore eliminating the need to touch the scuzzy handle on the towel dispenser AFTER you have washed up)"

And you don't see the fault in that logic?

Maybe women do things differently, but in the men's room you see a couple of behaviors:

1. Guys who don't wash after taking a leak. Nasty, but at least they're not touching the towel dispenser.

2. Guys who exit the urinal/stall, wash their hands, then get a towel. Note that they're touching the handle with CLEAN hands.

3. The guy (only seen 1 so far, thank God) who goes by Ruth's model and gropes the handle with (presumably) DIRTY hands then washes up, thus leaving a polluted handle for the rest of us to use.

Notice the irony here? The people who are afraid of a "scuzzy handle" are the ONLY ones who are MAKING it scuzzy!

Posted by: Scott on April 14, 2006 02:16 PM

This reminds me of a cute story - nothing near as bad as Acidman's, but here goes.

A Jr HS janitor was fed up with cleaning the girls rooms after school. Seems the girls, nearing the puberty level, were learning how to apply makeup, especially lipstick, and would kiss the mirrors, leaving kiss prints literally all over the mirror. After spending several days of having to spend extra time (and elbow grease) to remove the greasy lipstick from the mirrow, he asked the principal to have the girls meet after school on one of the restrooms to try to resolve the issue.
Promptly after school, Janitor, Principal and girls showed up. After the Principal made a few remarks about the need for them to not be kissing the mirror, he turned it over the janitor to show the girls the difficulty of cleaning the mess up. the janitor promptly grabbed a toilet brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet and scrubbed the mirrors.

Problem never happened again.

Posted by: ralphd00d on April 14, 2006 02:42 PM

Let me clarify for those who have a problem following directions:

I remove the FRESH towels PRIOR to washing my hands.

After I wash my hands, I have fresh paper towels at the ready (no need to use the dispenser to get any) GOT IT?

In other words, I dont touch anything in a public restroom AFTER I have disinfected my hands...


Posted by: Ruth on April 14, 2006 03:20 PM

I neglected to add that I "dispense" paper towels with my ELBOW....I dont add to the scuzziness of the paper towel dispenser (like Scotts mother does)

Posted by: Ruth on April 14, 2006 03:23 PM

Random comment -- While taking microbiolgy prior to med school we had to do environmental cultures. I thought I'd be "smart" and culture the hell outta the men's bathroom -- urinal handle, toilet handle, towel dispenser, exit handle on door.

Didn't grow a damn thing secondary to some "ionic" thing happening on metal. The kids who cultured their desks grew some weird shit though.

Posted by: brian on April 14, 2006 03:57 PM

As long as we're talking about bathroom procedure, I've got two questions that I've always wanted answered.

1. Why do so many men pick their noses and wipe the results on the walls of public restrooms?

2. What's the deal with spitting in a urinal before you use it?

I see/hear these behaviors nearly every day in every office restroom I've ever used.

Posted by: Render on April 14, 2006 04:32 PM

Now, Ruth, there's no need to bring mothers into it.

I think you'll agree that adding the bit about using your elbow puts a whole different spin on the original comment.

I really am glad to find out that the pool of people who I *thought* were doing that has dropped to only one. Unfortunately, I KNOW he didn't do the elbow trick. I considered Rob's catch-all solution of having him dragged off and shot, but since we're in the same office I'd probably having to do his work, too. Can't win for losing, I guess.

Posted by: Scott on April 14, 2006 05:14 PM

I unfortunately have to say that adult women are guilty of some of these disgusting habits. I posted signs inside each stall of the ladies room at work expressing my disgust at whomever it was that hovered and sprinkled the seat with urine. The signs were torn down but the sprinkle problem went away.

Posted by: Julie on April 14, 2006 05:20 PM

A buddy of mine's brother had a chain of beauty parlors in Seattle when I was in High School in the early 60's they catered to some of the highest income social elites. Those cows made a worse mess in the bathrooms than dairy cows do in the milking parlor. I know, I used to milk, too. I'll take cleaning up after Holsteins over Social Brahmans any day in the week. The higher up on the societal ladder the worse personal hygeine you will fiind. I think it's an entitlement mentality. They're too good to clean up after themselves, that's what serfs are for.

Posted by: Gerry N. on April 14, 2006 08:07 PM

Been there, done that, back you up 100% Rob. It's incredible.

What the hell is the matter with women? And they have the gall to complain about *men's* habits!

Posted by: Desert Cat on April 14, 2006 11:54 PM

100% in agreement on filthy ladies rooms. How about a WalMart ladies room? You're really missing something if you've missed one'a those. Crap and bloody smears all over the place. You'd think they climb to the top of the stalls and sliiiiiiiiiiide down the freakin' wall instead of using toilet paper. Not to mention body odor leaving a lingering trail in the air that would gag a maggot. All I can think about when a woman leaves an odor like that is how her car seat or sofa must smell. Do men really touch women like that? My sister-in-law worked for a gynecologist. She once told me don't want to hear it. Ewwwwwwwwwww.......I'm making myself sick.

Posted by: Tessa on April 15, 2006 12:22 AM

Agreement with Acid Man. I used to clean a "fine" restaurant bathroom every day and the things that men did had nothing on the things women did. Granted it had the urine smell but my God! Women would actually wipe their ass with the toilet seat! Just sick!

Posted by: Rhettro on April 15, 2006 02:47 AM

Cleaned the bathrooms in a church to help pay for college. Rob's right...the womens bathroom was ALWAYS the worst. I think they did it because they didn't have to clean it...maybe gave them some sense of "royalty" or something. Bad enough to gag a maggot.

Posted by: No Mo on April 15, 2006 04:09 AM

I cleaned restrooms at the start of my "afternoon shift" at an Interstate gas station while in college. And, also in college, I inspected restrooms in the State Historical Society Museum while closing the place up, to make sure no one was hiding. Before the cleaning guy came in.

I could comment, but . . .
I'm planning on eating soon . . .

Posted by: Dan Pursel on April 15, 2006 06:45 PM
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