Gut Rumbles

December 23, 2005

it happens to us all

I feel his pain. Or maybe I feel his Shock and Awe, which may be a better way to describe the realization that you are no longer a young whippersnapper--- you have become an OLD FART.

That realization hit me several years ago, when I was stopped at a traffic light. A car filled with teeny-bop-looking boys pulled up in the lane next to me. The car was rocking, thumping out some kind of rap-type abomination music and every one of the little turds inside was wearing a baseball cap turned around backward.

I thought to myself, "If ever catch one of MY children listening to that shit and wearing a cap backward like that, I'll slap the living shit out of 'em for acting the dumbass." Right then, it hit me: I had become my father.

I was a teenager in the late '60s. My father had no use at all for the music I liked in those days, which just convinced me that he was hopelessly square, uncool and outdated. When I started college and grew hair down to my shoulders and sported a Fu Manchu moustache, he threatened to disown me. He thought a "joint" was a low-class bar. He just didn't dig my scene at all.

He was an Old Fart. I swore that I would NEVER be that way when I grew older. He was judgmental and out-of-touch. I would forever be a cool dude.

Now I know how he felt back then. I like very little of today's music. I abhor facial piercings. I think baggy pants worn with 6" of boxer shorts showing above the waist are disgusting. A cap has a brim to shade the sun out of your eyes, not to keep the rain from hitting the back of your neck. I believe that most of the younger generation is ALL fucked-up.

Dad, wherever you are, I now feel the pain you once experienced. I am no longer a cool dude. I am judgmental and out-of-touch. My hair turned gray silver and it's a lot thinner than it once was. I even wear Old Spice after-shave, the way you always did.

I am an Old Fart.


We're both old farts. But you got to admit, our clothes back then had style. Folks wore their stuff like the kids today back then as well. We just called them winos, demented, slobs, hobo's (sorry...even hobo's had class) and a bunch of other names.
And we liked loud music back then also. But not at levels above jet engines 2 feet from our ears, or loud enough to make the bolts drop out of our cars, or set off car alarms in a three block radius.
And, ummmm...
Hmmm... now what comes after "old fart"? I think I'm approaching it.

Posted by: Wichi Dude on December 23, 2005 03:21 AM

Yeah, it happens. At my job in the ER, I see a LOT of good looking young Girls. I knew I had gotten old when I starting checking out their Moms.

Posted by: jmon on December 23, 2005 03:25 AM

Shit, if hating the shitty mtv r&b culture is what it takes to make one an old fart, I am an old fart at 22. My underwear do not show, I don't wear baseball caps at all, and I think rap sucks like a fourteen year old runaway.

Posted by: Adam Lawson on December 23, 2005 04:04 AM

So bell-bottom jeans with tears and patches were stylish and classy? Heh.

Posted by: Dean Esmay on December 23, 2005 04:24 AM

Geezerhood is just round the corner. Fortunately for us, we'll never make it. Can't remember the directions on how to get there, I reckon.

Posted by: wil on December 23, 2005 07:13 AM

Shee-yit, you're right. BUT there is a saving grace in this bidness. Son-b'long-me has 6-8 piercings, shaved his head into a Mohawk himself, listens to the ca-ca that is known as "pop" muzik - but is also finishing his engineering degree, got a CCW from the state of Ohio, makes ME look like a liberal (and I enlisted during the 'Nam war and did 2 tours) and does b'lieve that hippies suck (his t-shirt says so).

I'm a lucky man......

Posted by: Larry on December 23, 2005 08:20 AM

Just last week we almost ran over one of these little dimwits. He was crossing [a slick, icy, busy road] not paying any attention to traffic - too busy trying to pull his pants up in order to keep 'em on. He slid climbing the snow bank on the other side of the street [Cross walk? What's a cross walk?] and nearly wiped out under the right front tire.

I guess it's all cool, though, long as you're struttin' ya boxers!

Posted by: Jane on December 23, 2005 08:51 AM

Old Spice?? Sheeyit that stuff reeks!

I bought a bottle and put some on a couple months ago. I couldn't *stand* myself and had to give it away.

I guess I'm not quite old enough yet...

Posted by: Desert Cat on December 23, 2005 10:39 AM

I suppose that I to am on my way to geezerdom,probably faster than most. I want to take a moment and wish you a Merry Christmas and a healthy and prosperous new year. I pray next year is better for us both.

Posted by: Arathorn on December 23, 2005 10:41 AM

Speaking of those stupid, baggy pants worn down around your ass with your underwear hanging out . . .

Reminds me of a story.

I ran into a young man at a party wearing that look. But something was a little strange. He was wearing a belt. I was curious enough to ask him about it. He turned red, muttered, and looked at the carpet, as his mother burst out laughing.

I looked at her as she snickered.

"You know," she said, "You only have to pull a teenage boy's pants down around his ankles at the mall TWICE before he starts wearing a belt!"


Posted by: Lamont Cranston on December 23, 2005 10:46 AM

Lamont, if the kid was wearing the belt but still had the boxers showing, he obviously didn't get the message...time for another "pantsing".

Acidman, Old Spice must be cool...think of all the guitar riffs you could improvise from that 4-bar lick in their commercials back in the day...

Like many of you, I was an OF before my time and proud of it. I just wish I could figure out a way to mount a flexible .30 or RPG launcher from the bed of my 4x4 so I could show some of these dimwits what *really* loud music is.

Posted by: Grumpy Old Ham on December 23, 2005 11:15 AM

Well, I guess I'm an old fart at the age of 24. Hell, I felt like that at 22. If I see a bunch of punk ass losers like what you depicted, I'll laugh. If I see a bunch of kids (kids being anywhere from 16-26) acting stupid, I'll mutter to myself how my children better never act like that. If I'm with my mom, I thank her for raising me better than that.

Posted by: Cythen on December 23, 2005 11:32 AM

Yeah, but you're cute and always amusing...even if ya are an old fart...:)

Posted by: Lisa on December 23, 2005 01:37 PM

My husband bought some BRUT the other day...(he couldnt afford the good stuff like Polo or Dolce & Gabbana)

I said, "holy shit, that crap smells like AMOR-ALL". He said: "well it REALLY is aftershave, however I DID buy it at a gas station"

Posted by: Ruth on December 23, 2005 02:36 PM

That reminds me of the one about the Old Fart on the subway who was sitting across from a Young Punk. Y.P was dressed in High Goth, with purple spiked hair, facial tattoos, and pierced nose, ears, and eyebrows. He said to O.F., "What are you staring at, Pop?" O.F. said, "Sorry, young man. I was just thinking about the time I got drunk on shore leave in Singapore, and wound up screwing a parrot. I guess I was wondering if you might be my son."

Posted by: Ernie G on December 23, 2005 05:34 PM

I second Dana,,, there's something about Old Spice that brings up memories, and while we're talkin old fart, remember High Karate? Or Aqua Velva? Excuse me while I wander memory lane.

Posted by: Jacquih on December 23, 2005 07:49 PM

Just the other day I was in the drug store and noticed a kid not much older than my oldest nephew (fourteen). I remembered thinking how cute he was and how much he reminded me of said nephew. When I went to the counter to pay for my goods, what did the little s**t do but start flirting with me! :-)

I was sort of flattered but sort of felt like the pervert Mary Letourneau (sp) at the same time. The funny thing thing was this: among my bought goods was a tube of Joint-thritis. LOL

Posted by: Juliette on December 24, 2005 12:06 AM

If you wait till he 16 you might be able to get away with it. In some states its legal for 16 yr olds to have sex.

Posted by: RayH on December 24, 2005 12:27 AM

I'm with Adam and Cythen, just make it 21.

Posted by: Alli on December 24, 2005 12:29 AM

LOL Ernie G.

Posted by: Henry Blowfly on December 24, 2005 01:44 AM

I've come to the conclusion that some parts of 'becoming an old fart' translate to 'you grew up'.

Posted by: Mark on December 24, 2005 02:47 PM

He was about twenty so I'd be safe.

Posted by: Juliette on December 24, 2005 11:43 PM

You can relax about that Old Spice. It's now hip among the young 'uns. Again. The guys who own the label have gone on a big time marketing blitz to give it a youthful image again. What's the biggest sign that it's been a big hit? It used to be a fading section of the grocery store, but now it monopolizes big chunks of deodorant shelf space.

Posted by: Zhang Fei on December 26, 2005 05:01 PM
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