Gut Rumbles
 

August 16, 2005

your way only

When I was married to Jennifer, she often said that she could never forgive lying or having an affair, and that seemed like a fair deal to me. I had nothing to lie about and I didn't want any other woman.

She turned around and did BOTH to me.

We were on the family vacation at Clarke Hill Lake in July of 2001. I KNEW something was wrong, so I asked her straight out about it. I remember her exact words: "Nothing has changed, Rob."

Of course, she was having an affair with an unemployed dope-smoker at the time and she already had divorce plans in the works, but to HER, she didn't tell a lie. "Nothing has changed" meant that her plans didn't, she was going to fuck me over to a fare-thee-well, but she didn't lie to me.

My ass, she didn't.

One of the biggest surprises of my life was going to divorce court the first time and discovering that what Jennifer did meant nothing. She lied to you? She's fucking another man and even moved him into YOUR house? They grope like wild minks in front of your friends? You had prostate cancer while this was happening?

Tough shit, boy. You'd better get as much joint property as you can, but you'll end up giving it all back to her in child support, over time, because that's how the system works. Now, just shut up and sign the papers. This is the best deal you're gonna get.

That's how it works, too.

Comments

You got a sucky lawyer. What sucks the most is how you were blindsided like that.

Posted by: Kelly on August 16, 2005 02:48 PM

Just curious....what do men consider to be reasonable child support?

I always hear men complain about having to pay, but I don't see many taking responsibility for birth control or offering to raise the kids, i.e., work their work schedules around the kids' lives, doctor visits, sick days, homework, club/sports practices, cook, clean or hire a nanny for them. And kids damn sure aren't free and they don't raise themselves.

I'm not making assumptions about you, Rob. I'm just asking a question that I've wondered a lot about. And you seem to have no problem offering opinions.

Posted by: Suz on August 16, 2005 02:56 PM

I guess lying, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

Posted by: Surfie on August 16, 2005 03:02 PM

I receive $100/wk. for three children (8, 10 and 13). I consider that reasonable. It doesn't go far when unexpected (or even expected) expenses, hit but overall it seems fair and when I fought for custody I wasn't expecting anything at all so it's all gravy.

My custody/support case went pretty much the opposite of Rob's. I had a woman judge who bent over backwards to make sure I, a father, was treated fairly. In all honesty, I think she may have gone a little overboard but I'm not about to complain.

Posted by: Zappatista on August 16, 2005 03:04 PM

It isn't the amount so much as the lack of control. You hand money over to the mother but have no idea how much of that actually benefits the children. She can do anything she wants with it. It takes a hell of a lot of indifference or wrong doing to attrack the authorities or create grounds for a change in custody.

Custody and Support are so lop-sided towards the mother in the system today it is a crime. I'm going through it right now and here is my advise. Division of assets is only settled once, everything else (support and custody) can be reopened at anytime. I've known too many guys that say "fuck it" because they just want to get it over with and regret it later. Most of what we have (had) was because I worked my tail off, travelled to Nowhere, USA to do a job I didn't like and overachieved if base that on level of education (no degree compared to my wife's Masters degree). Now she wants the the vast majority of our assets (or I'm the bad guy if she has to move because she cannot afford to buy me out). Screw that, she filed for the divorce she can live with those consequences.

Posted by: Dishonorable Schoolboy on August 16, 2005 03:14 PM

You hand money over to the mother but have no idea how much of that actually benefits the children.

I've had this conversation with my ex more than once. At one point she demanded I keep receipts.

My rebuttal is very simple. The courts have decided that I am best suited for guardianship, implicit in that decision is the fact that I am a fit and responsible parent. Her support is deposited in my account right next to my earnings and I draw from the pool as needed without regard to the source of the money.

The fact that the children are being provided for is all she needs to know.

Posted by: Zappatista on August 16, 2005 03:31 PM

I have no idea where my money goes every month, and Jennifer is not required to tell me.

But if I DON'T pay it, I can be thrown in jail.

Posted by: Acidman on August 16, 2005 03:49 PM

God that woman is/was evil.

Posted by: blondage on August 16, 2005 04:55 PM

Bitter and twisted or what?

Posted by: dc on August 16, 2005 07:01 PM

It really sucks for the kids, all of this shit that goes on. My ex and I split when the kids were 3 and 1 (we were only 21 & 22 at the time and had been married since we were 17 & 18). Even at that young of an age, we were mature enough and not hateful or vengeful; we've always shared custody, split on the big things like braces, registrations, and split the school lists, clothes, etc. He lives around the corner and about 2 blocks away; the boys can walk back and forth and know they are welcome at either place, morning, noon, or night.
They're now 16 and 14 and we still talk on the phone with each other about the boys, sometimes even more than an hour (did today!) The only problems we ever had were with his ex-girlfriend, which thankfully he is through with now. It's such a shame it can't work out better for other people.

Posted by: Lisa on August 16, 2005 07:11 PM

You've got both barrels loaded lately...I'm just getting this feeling that something came down with Quinton.

Posted by: Maggie on August 16, 2005 07:15 PM

Hopefully you "inadvertently" hit her in the ass before the weekend was over.

Posted by: rightisright on August 16, 2005 08:17 PM

"I have no idea where my money goes every month, and Jennifer is not required to tell me.

But if I DON'T pay it, I can be thrown in jail."

Do you think she is not spending the money toward Quinton's welfare? If you wouldn't be jailed for not paying, would you not pay? Would you rather raise the boy yourself and get child support from her? All ?s that pop into my mind. Just trying to understand your thought process.

Posted by: Suz on August 16, 2005 08:24 PM

Chablis and Lisa, for the sake of the kids (*and* the parents sanity too for that matter), it's too bad more divorces don't end up as yours did.

Posted by: Desert Cat on August 16, 2005 08:30 PM

I am sure that we all have child support stories that are horrible.

The children need the money. I do believe that the recoipient of the child support should be accountable. My ex was doubling-up on her mortgage payments and always saying that the kids were having to do with out. In Louisiana the recipient can take the other parent back at any time and request more support without showing what is or isn't being spent. All that is needed is a change in circumstances to file a request.

In a majority of child custody cases, again in Louisiana, the female is the domicilliary parent. Child support is awarded based on the total income of both parents paid on a percentage basis of the respective incomes. The recipient does NOT have to show that their percentage of the award is being spent every month. That doesn't seem to be equal protection under the law does it?

And Suz, over nine years I paid over $120,000. in child support and tuition. I was NEVER a second late or a penny short and I believe that this amount was enough.

Posted by: Roger .45 on August 16, 2005 11:45 PM

And you know what blows worse, if you had custody, guess how much child support you'd be getting from her?

None.

Posted by: Kelly on August 17, 2005 05:21 AM

I feel a rant comming on. Acidman is so right about the courts bias against the father. Their excuse is "what's in the best interest of the child." Bull Shit! The ex was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, every drug test came back dirty, and she was slutting with every swinging dick in town. Did the court care? Fuck no!

When a certain asshole she was living with took a knife and cut up my 3 year olds ear in front of her mother they almost ignored that!
But, I didn't give up. It took four years and 13 court appearances in three states to get custody. I don't give up. It's a fucking miracle I'm not in jail after the ear incident. My current wife saved me and the worthless assholes life. Ever heard the song "Hurry Sundown" by the Outlaws?" I recorded it in a loop and once and listened to it continuously while driving across country with vengence in my heart. Don't ever fuck with my wife or daughter! I will never give up or back down.

My daughter is now 16 years old, a straight A student, and the best writer I know. I think shes gonna start blogging. She doesn't talk to her biological mother.

Sorry I got wordy. This subject hits close to home for me.

Posted by: Ed on August 17, 2005 08:35 AM

My son is going through the same thing right

now. He is fighting for custody and he will

have his heart broken. His daughter is his

life, his reason for being. I don`t know how

to tell him the courts will not see it that way.

For you females out there who think all men

are deadbeat dads,it is not our fault you married poorly. A real man cares for his

children in every way he can.

Posted by: arathorn on August 17, 2005 09:03 AM

ARATHORN, tell your son to fight tooth and nail. A $50 an hour attourney ain't worth shit. You gotta pay about $300 an hour. The first time your attourney fucks up, fire him and get another. Get a private dick. Get police reports. Get drug tests. Get psycological tests. And, never, ever, give up. Never miss a visitation. Bribe the ex bitch if you have to. I've done all of the above and more that I'm not willing to admit to. You may save a childs life.

Posted by: Ed on August 17, 2005 09:16 AM

Ed,

Well said! I think if you're going to have to spend that much money anyway, then make sure it's for a worthy cause. My husband, too, got custody of his kids and though the story wasn't as horrid as yours, it was bad enough. He used his own intimidation tactics and her own history against her in order for her to cave. He got everything..hehe. And his kids don't have much to do with her beyond duty, either.

You know, all my best parenting techniques I learned from my husband too. Men don't get nearly enough credit for the role they play in the lives of their child. It sucks to see how men are treated sometimes, it really does.

Posted by: Kelly on August 17, 2005 10:05 AM

How much child support is enough??? Well, in my ex's case, no matter what I pay it will NEVER be enough if she has to spend any of HER money on OUR children ...

And yet another way the noncustodial spouse (usually the man) gets fucked over by the feminazi child support system - my ex gets the support tax free and can spend it on another trip to the Bahamas or Cozumel, while I get to pay taxes on everything. The word "fair" does not enter into the child support lexicon.

Posted by: maggot on August 17, 2005 12:08 PM

i live in texas and my ex is in connecticut with my 16 year old son,she sued me for child support that i cant pay ,do i have to pay it if i give up my parental rights?

Posted by: chris on August 22, 2005 10:39 PM
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