Gut Rumbles

August 02, 2005

raisin' babies

I have sired two children, yet I'll still be the first to admit that babies scare the living shit out of me. If they start crying when mama isn't around, I figure either that a) they have a dirty diaper--- or b) they are hungry.

If I check and find a clean diaper, and then the baby won't eat, but it keeps on crying, I'm out of ideas. I want to hyperventilate and develop the vapors. I want to run around in a circle and pull my hair out by the roots. WTF is wrong? WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW???!!!

What I usually did back in those days was call my grandmother. She knows babies the way Carter knows liver pills. She could diagnose the cholic and prescribe a remedy that usually worked and she saved my panic-ridden ass many a time. She also told me what kind of food I shouldn't feed to a baby.

She's just an old mountain farm-woman with not much formal education. But she damn sure knows about babies.


I too was lost when mom was gone. My mom saved my ass many times. She told me "just do what I used to do for you", so I slipped them a NyQuil laced bottle and watched soap operas. Worked everytime.

Posted by: gravdigr on August 2, 2005 07:56 PM

Ok, maybe it's my inebriated state of mind, but that is just a funny picture. The Acidman running around in a panic because a baby is crying. And, the poignant picture of his Grandma probably laughing her ass off as well...well, thanks for sharing that are a doll baby.

Posted by: Kelly on August 2, 2005 08:22 PM

Rob with the vapors! I'm gonna run go tell all my friends! Break out de smellin' salts, Mammy.

Posted by: Velociman on August 2, 2005 08:53 PM

I could handle the babies, no problems. It was the little two year olds that I could take. onery little shits. Didn't grow out of it for about three years.

Posted by: GUYK on August 2, 2005 09:12 PM

My arms ache to hold a baby.

Posted by: Maeve on August 3, 2005 12:25 AM

Reminds me of the time right after the divorce when I had the baby and she starts screaming to beat the band, really wailing. I tried EVERYTHING, nothing worked! About that time Grandma walked in the house and said "Lord son, what are you doing to that child?" The little turncoat stops crying smiles and stretches out her arms for 'Grandma'. She's sixteen now and I still haven't forgiven her!

Posted by: Ed on August 3, 2005 07:59 AM

Feed 'em, change 'em or hold 'em, not much more you can do.

Posted by: Florida Bill on August 3, 2005 08:36 AM

It came down to diaper, food, sleep deprivation, gas (burping and/or using gas drops), or teething pain (baby Tylenol is wonderful and she promptly figured out what it was for, so it even has a bit of a placebo effect in the few minutes before it actually kicks in).

Sadie was never big on complaining about diapers, and even now only gripes about poop. Plus she's old enough to know how to get our attention without crying about it. Heck, she's always been good at signalling what she wanted without usually crying.

I've found it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But then, I seem to have this connection with her so I just "know" what she wants.

Posted by: Jay on August 3, 2005 10:33 AM

Boy, what a difference a generation makes. Maybe I'm some kind of sensitive, new-age guy (don't call me that to my face, because I'll deny it every time I punch you in the head), but I seem to be doing a lot more than my Dad ever did. He went to work, grabbed a beer and waited for dinner to hit the table before he got up again. I've changed about 20,000 diapers, been shat upon, and seem to be better at dealing with the crying than momma. I cook (she's a horse-shit cook), I clean (once again, horseshit), I do the laundry (horse-shit folder), all the yard work (just plain lazy) and work on the car (just doesn't have a clue). I beginning to see a pattern here. Maybe, I'm being snookered here. Just wait til she gets back from the spa. There's going to be some ass-kicking.

Posted by: Lee on August 3, 2005 02:27 PM
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