Gut Rumbles

July 22, 2005

the death of civilization

I gotta ask a few questions. I look around today and I see a lot of spoiled-assed people running around acting as if they know their asses from a hole in the ground when they don't. Life is just too soft anymore.

1) How many of you people know how to drive a vehicle with MANUAL TRANSMISSION?

2) How many of you people can make popcorn on the STOVE, in a POT, the old-fashioned way?

3) How many of you people ever saw a drive-in movie?

4) How many of you people know how to bake a potato without using a microwave oven?

5) How many of you people can build a fire, first time every time, in the woods? Even when it's raining?

6) How many of you people know how to skip a rock?

7) How many people know the way to tell when a watermelon is ripe without touching it in the field?

8) How many of you people ever handled a firearm and hit what you shot at, without being "afraid" of the gun?

9) How many of you people take care of yourselves without relying on government to do that job for you?

10) How many people ever stood up to a bully and never had to fight him again? Even when you lost the fight. How many people have balls enough to do that today?

I see this country becoming totally pussified. I refuse to be a part of it. I can live in the woods. I know how to fish, and I've never had "buck fever" when aiming a gun at a live animal. I can build a fire and skip a rock. I can grow my own food. I know how to make moonshine, too.

Can YOU do it? If not, how many people do you know who can?


Hell yes, I can, on all accounts, allthough my moon is not the best!

Posted by: Kenway on July 22, 2005 12:34 PM

1 thru 4 ( I owned three stickshifts until my left knee started making noise.) 8 thru 10.

Side note: Did you know that stick shifts rarely get stolen? Car thieves doen't know how to drive them.

Posted by: Juliette on July 22, 2005 12:37 PM

Yes to everything...except the watermelon...I never was any good at picking out a good watermelon.

Posted by: drc on July 22, 2005 12:37 PM

Ditto what Kenway said. I nearly blew myself up the first time on the shine production . Subsequent experiments were succesfull.

Posted by: Ironnerd on July 22, 2005 12:39 PM

#1 My first truck was the afformentioned 1979 chevy luv. So yes
#2 can't say that i can. We always used the jiffy pop or hot air popper.
#3 Yes
#4I like mine wrapped iin foil and thrown directly on the coals.
#5 4yrs of boy scouts
#6 most fun you can have on a river bed (besides fishing)
#7 Have to admit I would be lost on that one
#8 Pretty much grew up with a gun on my back and hip
#9 My dad and I run our own digital mapping company I rely on the gov't for shit.
#10 Fifth grade a kid named Curtis Saunier, kicked him in the nose from the monkey bars never touched me again. We actually became friends later.

Posted by: gravdigr on July 22, 2005 12:44 PM

That's got to be the easiest test I ever saw. I will not buy a car with an automatic transmission, nor will I cook a baked potatoe in the microwave. I never had buck fever. I have had bear fever, but that fuckers head is over my Dad's fireplace and his hide is on my bed.

Posted by: Ed on July 22, 2005 12:52 PM

Well, part of my income now and has been since 1983 a military retirement check that I figured I earned by having my assed chewed for over 22 years. Also am receiving a social security payment ever month that I figure that if I live to be about eight I might finally get back all that I have paid in over the years, if the payments were figured at even four percent compounded. But all of the rest I have done and still can do. Hell at one time I could even change from my right to my left hand and never miss a stroke!

Posted by: GUYK on July 22, 2005 12:54 PM

I've never actually made a baked potato in a microwave. I'd be at a loss if asked to do so.

I will admit to being stumped on the watermelon thing.

Posted by: Tommy on July 22, 2005 01:01 PM

1. My daily driver is a '55 chevy pickup with three-on-the-tree. It has to be "square-shifted" and double-clutched sometimes.
2. No, but I remember it that way.
3. Saw "Merril's Marauders", "The High and the Mighty" and "Bridge on the River Kwai" at a drive-in with my parents. Last movie I remember seeing at the drive-in was "Vanishing Point" in the back row with my van full of girls.
4. Yes
5. Rusty on this. Probably couldn't do it in the rain.
6. Yes.
7. No
8. Yes but I keep practicing anyway 'cause it's fun!
9. As much as big brother will let me.
10. Yes including two times as an adult. Both these guys had the capability to clean my clock with one hand but they backed down. I was amazed.

Posted by: Larry Kephart on July 22, 2005 01:03 PM

I can do them all. I know very few people that can though.

Posted by: assrot on July 22, 2005 01:08 PM

I lose on the watermelon thingie.
Where I grew up they had to truck the dudes in.
The only things that "grew" there were cows.

Posted by: Dan Pursel on July 22, 2005 01:12 PM

1. Nope.
2. Is there any other way?
3. Mom would load all 5 of us in the car, pop a grocery bag (a paper one, remember those?) full of popcorn and a cooler full o' Kool-Aid and wait for us to drop out one by one so she could watch a movie IN PEACE! We'd wake up at 2:00 a.m. as we were leaving.
4. See answer to #2
5. Nope, but I that's why I married an Eagle Scout. We could survive in the mountains if we had to.
6. Do 2 hops count?
7. Not a clue.
8. Nope, but its on the list of things to do before I die.
9. The government will take care of me? And to think I've been working for 20 years...
10. In middle school, the meanest Mexican girl decided she didn't like the way I looked (I was just glad it wasn't one of the black girls - THEY were tough EVERYBODY knew it) so we fought in the church parking lot across from school . I think the whole school was there so the cops broke it up too soon. I stood up to her, though, and she never messed with me again.

Posted by: Jane on July 22, 2005 01:17 PM

I can do 1-6 and I have done 8 as well....number 9 is what husbands are well as #10

Posted by: Ruth on July 22, 2005 01:19 PM

Aw, shit...another long-winded comment coming up...

1) I've known how to drive a stick since I was a freshman in college. Used to drive "three on the column" pickups around the refinery in 1975. Even the Mistress of Sarcasm can drive a stick.

2) Popcorn on the stove is easy. Ya just gotta shake the pan so's it doesn't stick and burn.

3) I was never a big fan of drive-ins, but I've been to plenty of 'em. The main attraction, of course, was never the movie per se.

4) The Missus likes the microwave for convenience, but I likes me a real baked 'tater. Scrub an Idaho Russet well, poke a few holes in the skin with a fork, lay it in a pan of rock salt, and bake at 350F until done, about 45 minutes. NEVER use foil!

5) It's been 40 years since I've built a fire in the woods, but I could probably do it right off.

6) If you can't skip a rock, you have no business going to the Ol' Swimmin' Hole.

7) Watermelon: I give that sumbitch a rap with my knuckle. If it sounds right, it's good to go.

8) Hate to admit, onliest gun I ever shot was a Crosman CO2 rifle, years ago. But I was a damn good target shooter.

9) "Take care of myself." Does that mean having a paying job and sending in my taxes? Yeah, I do that. Sent two kids to college, too, and (somehow) still pay my bills.

10) I got the snot knocked out of me once in grade school...but the guy who did it never bothered me again. The next time a bully tried to mess with me, it was in Phys Ed in high school, and this time, I did not get the snot knocked out of me. It's always best to negotiate, but when talks break down, ya gotta be prepared, as they say.

So, what's that? Eight out of ten, or what?

Posted by: Elisson on July 22, 2005 01:38 PM

No to #2 & #7.
I can build a fire, but never had to do it in the rain.

Posted by: Maeve on July 22, 2005 01:48 PM

I'm not sure about the moonshine thing. Yet. The "distillation unit" is under construction.

Posted by: Ed on July 22, 2005 01:53 PM

Got 9 our of 10, but missed #7--the ripe watermelon without touching. The only solutions that I had were to either ask the farmer or find out if some were starting to be stolen. What's the real answer?

Posted by: Woody on July 22, 2005 02:07 PM

Come, come, Woody. The correct answer is a 12 gauge or M80!

Posted by: Ed on July 22, 2005 02:21 PM

1 - Yep, on the floor or the column

2 - Yep

3 - Yep, although I was v. young. Disney flicks. Mom liked it 'cause she could put us in our PJ's in the back of the station wagon and let us fall asleep.

4 - Yep

5 - Yep. W. flint @ steel, too.

6 - Yep

7 - Nope. I can thump a melon to tell a good one, but I can't tell just by looking.

8 - Yep. Duh. I'm not a good shot, but I am adequate, for someone who shoots once every five years, need it or not.

9 - Sort of. I have a governemnt job. But I WORK at it. Does that count?

10 - Yes

Oh, and I can make my own beer, although I don't know how to distill.

Posted by: LamontCranston on July 22, 2005 02:33 PM

1) They make another kind?
2) One better: I've done it over a campfire.
3) Didn't SEE much of it thanks to the girl I was with, but...
4) Yup.
5) While I can do the whole cotton tinder and rubbing branches deal, I prefer throwing half a gallon of gas on whatever I want aflame followed by a matchbook.
6) Anyone who doesn't should be shot.
7) Ripe melons have stripes that are mostly the same color, and don't have a white bottom. Personally, I prefer the "whack it" method.
8) Started when I was five or so.
9) Anyone worth a damn.
10) It's amazing what a broken nose will do.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on July 22, 2005 02:38 PM

You've got me on 7 and 8, despite my having grown watermelons in my youth. I think I'm okay on the rest of it.

Posted by: Jay on July 22, 2005 02:41 PM

I check the stem color of the melon. Stems turning brown are usually riper than the green stems and a completely brown stem will probably get you an overripe melon.

Posted by: GUYK on July 22, 2005 02:42 PM

yes to all ten- and I know maybe a dozen people (not inluding bloggers) who can say yes to all ten too.

But, of course, we're 'trash"

Posted by: og on July 22, 2005 02:52 PM

On the watermelon, look at the stem!

Posted by: Kenway on July 22, 2005 03:46 PM

22 years old, A-Man, born and raised on the coast of Mississippi.

1. Hell, I can drive a fork-lift. And I was taught that by my father.
2. Yep.
3. Unfortunately, no. But I'd love to.
4. Yep.
5. Yep. And I've started fires that've scared my mother. (Just a pile of old nasty boxes and leaves, but I managed to get it really high...)
6. I can't remember not being able to skip a rock.
7. I have a good guess or two.
8. Oh yeah. First time I shot a gun, I hit a fist-sized peice of a porcelain plate. Wasn't a real "range."
9. Yep.
10. Oh yeah. I've been in less than ten real fights in my life, because I can talk my way out of it, but I'm not afraid to throw a punch.

Posted by: Adam Lawson on July 22, 2005 03:47 PM

yes to all, except moonshine makin"

I can even start a fire three ways without matches -- I was a boy scout you see.

Posted by: hoosierboy on July 22, 2005 03:56 PM

Just like Hoosierboy, I can say yes to all of the above except that I have never made moonshine.

About firestarting... Have you ever started a fire with nothing but a lantern battery, some tinder, and a hunk of steel wool. It's almost easier than matches.


Posted by: Roy on July 22, 2005 04:15 PM

1. Yup, learned on one and, later, my 5-speed 280ZX was one badass mutha.

2. Yup. That too. I remember my parents paying somwhere around 700 dollars for their first GE microvave. It lasted for 15 years.

3. Yup. AND, they are building one in my little part of Tejas as we speak!! Whoopie!

4. Yup and NEVER, EVER use foil. That fucks 'em up.

5. Nope. Not sure on that one. I can build a fire and light it the first time, but have never had to do it in the rain.

6. Of course.

7. Now I know. Do you know how to tell how ripe an orange is just by looking at it?

8. Yup. I plan on getting a new one pretty soon because of the recent happenings in my family.

9. Of course. We work our asses off and live simple. It's the best way, IMHO.

10. Only once. I am a wimp. I admit it. Give me some liquid courage, though, and watch out.

Posted by: Surfie on July 22, 2005 04:38 PM

All but #7 and, having read your subsequent post, now I know how to do that, if I EVER get to see a watermelon in the field.

Posted by: Jim - PRS on July 22, 2005 05:48 PM

#1 : Never driven an auto , don't know anyone with one.
#2: Never tried , don't eat popcorn.
#3 : Many years ago (I was 10 at the time)
#4 Never used a microwave (for anything).
#5 When it's raining , with one match.
#6 Skipping rocks is good entertainment for drunken weekends by the river.
#7 I can tell when any of the fruit that grows around where I live is ripe by sight,sound or feel. (mangos , oranges , lemon , lime , bananas , lychees , pawpaw , watermelon , jackfruit , grapefruit , etc)
#8 Most of the time I hit what I'm aiming at
#9 Never claimed gubmint assistance
#10 Some needed repeated persuasion.

I make my own 'shine , keep fruit trees ,have kept chickens and spend a great deal of time in the bush , fishing , hunting and "camping".

All the people I consider friends can do likewise.

I'm not American though.

Posted by: efa on July 22, 2005 07:13 PM

Your 10 questions are an easy "yes," but I've never tried making 'shine.

Posted by: John on July 22, 2005 07:52 PM

8 outta 10. Ain't bad for a Northerner!!

Posted by: BJK on July 22, 2005 07:56 PM

I'm young, but I can still appreciate a few of these things.

Specifically, numbers 1,3,6,8 and 9. Of course, there are times when I rely on my parents to get me through the tough spots, but I'd rather fend for myself than have someone else do it for me.

Posted by: Dan on July 22, 2005 08:19 PM

I can build a fire, but I've never tried in the rain.

I'm good on everything else. ;)

Posted by: blondage on July 22, 2005 08:41 PM

1- I can, but I prefer automatic. Unless you enjoy hopping across town like a four wheeled toad.
2- I can make many many different types of popcorn on the stove, in a pot, or over a fire.
3- Dozens
4- Over a camp fire, in the oven, wherever. Trying to perfect the crunchy skin.
5- I can build a fire, in the woods, in the rain, that will get the forest service to the campsite in an hour.
6- 47 is my record.
7- It's yellow on the bottom, and the stalk is spongy.
8- Tee hee... although the M60 scared me every time a piece fell off...
9- Dang... like anyone would admit to that. "I can take care of myself. I am very responsible with my welfare check."
10- Violence is not the answer... but it CAN make the question go away.

If you think these are rare traits, you need to get out more.

Posted by: Yogimus on July 22, 2005 08:44 PM

Nix to the fire-starting & the watermelon trick. If I ever run across a patch of watermelons growing, I'll know how to do that too, now. Starting fires? A can of Sterno & a match? *shrugs* I don't camp. I fish.Have done & can do the rest. As BJK observed, "ain't bad for a Northerner"!Not ALL Yankees are ignorant fucks from Massachusetts....

Posted by: Horrabin on July 22, 2005 09:13 PM


# 9 . . . where everyone admits being a slave

Hating it, but doing it anyway.

Posted by: jb on July 22, 2005 09:35 PM

8 out of 10.

Posted by: Greg on July 22, 2005 10:12 PM

Yes, I can have done all of those. Prefer a manual to an automatic any day and that's what I have on my pick up. Can build a fire with flint and steel, and I actually prefer that to matches. As a reenactor I have started a fire in the rain. Cold is a great motivator. Prefer muzzleloaders that force you to take your time and make your shot count. I want to make a still and make some 'shine. Love to hunt and fish and the old ways in general. They may come in handy one day.

Posted by: Scalplock1845 on July 22, 2005 10:35 PM

10 for 10, baby.

But then I gre up in the Ohio countryside and joined the Marines and stuff. And I'm 34, in 20 minutes.

Posted by: GORDON on July 22, 2005 11:40 PM

Yes: 2, 3, 4, 6, 8. I'd say 9, but I've never had the chance to set aside the money out of my check myself that they take in taxes, the rat bastards. The only gummint assistance I was ever on was a grant I was given to pay for my schooling. They've gotten every red cent back in taxes the first year I worked. As for 10, I never really got into fights.

Posted by: Cythen on July 23, 2005 01:16 AM

Yay - I got 10 out of 10 :)

I only know about 3 other people who could claim same, and one of them was army trained.

Posted by: Misty on July 23, 2005 02:46 AM

Shee-it. All of the above, man. (okay, I don't own firearms and have only fired a gun twice, but I understand the basics and am certainly not afraid of them -- just occasionally the assholes behind them.)
Never owned anything but a stick shift, specialize in one match fires camping, don't particularly care for fishing but I can clean and cook the shit out of anything you can catch (or shoot). Grew up skipping stones and catching 'crawdads' in the lake & scaring all the wimpy flatlander boys with 'em. I can 'put-up' preserves and make killer tomato relish and grew up making and (kneading -- yes, by hand, on a bread board) bread for a family of 7. My dad taught shop, my mom home ec -- I can handle a welding torch or any type of carpentry equipment and I could knit and run a sewing machine before I graduated to a 2-wheeler bike. (which I bought myself with my snow-shoveling money.) I paid for my own education and never asked for or accepted a dime of child-support or alimony from either of my husbands. And I'm still reasonably good friends with the one who's still alive, as I am with most of the men who've been significant friends and lovers over the years. I've made my own wine and taken a chicken every step of the way from the henhouse to the dinner table by myself and also managed to get two smart and beautiful and reasonably well adjusted daughters through school and off to a decent start in life. AND I'm blonde and still manage to paint my toenails red. And have an IQ over 25. Yeah, I could live in the woods. And I know a number of people who could as well. Course I also know many who wouldn't last 5 minutes -- but I try to ignore them.
Sorry, I know this is way too long, but you DID ask! And my bumper sticker arrived today. Perfect match for my little red stick-shift ! I don't normally do bumper stickers, but my personal slogan is 'bite me' so I may have to put it on. Thanks, A-man =]

Posted by: Marianne on July 23, 2005 05:16 AM

Now Misty. I didn't think guns were allowed on your side of the pond. Drop me an e-mail an 'splain this to me!

Posted by: ED on July 24, 2005 01:08 AM

Yes to all--grew up in the deep south and was proficient in all- except my "shine" tasted horrible but did give you a nice BUZZ.. We actually have two drive-ins here in my hometown but my wife remembers our "movie times" when we were dating and refuses to go now.

Posted by: scott on July 24, 2005 07:49 AM
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