Gut Rumbles

May 19, 2005

terrible news

I blame this kind of shit on the low-carb diet craze of today and the obsession with "obesity" in the news. I actually know people who drink Michelob ULTRA LIGHT BEER in an effort to be more "healthy," and even Kryspy Kreme is feeling the pinch. Now, a got-dam American institution is being torpedoed by people who believe that they can eat their way to weight-loss, if they simply stuff their gullets with the "right" foods and stay away from the "bad" stuff.

I weep. Twinkies are vanishing from the American food menu.

It was the third plant closing and regional consolidation the company has announced over the last two months, costing a total of about 3,000 jobs. The company also plans to close plants in Miami and Charlotte, N.C., and consolidate operations in Florida, Georgia, the Carolinas and Virginia.

Company officials said they expect the Northeast closing and consolidation to cost about $17 million, including $7 million in severance payments and $7 million in losses to the value of assets.

And I'll bet that they won't have a single shrunken fat-ass to show for it in the long run. I've seen people lose a lot of weight on the Atkins Diet. But they always turn around and gain it right back again because they simply like to EAT TOO MUCH!!!

Nothing chaps my ass worse than to have some Jabba-the Hut looking fucker complain about second-hand cigarette smoke in a restaurant while that person is eating enough food to feed a family of five. THAT'S a really health-conscious person, wearing those size 56 waist pants.

I'm willing to make a deal with those people--- you stop bitching about me smoking, and I won't call you a fat-ass. That sounds fair enough to suit me.

And leave my goddam Twinkies alone.


All this talk of fat asses and gluttonous behavior makes Swineherd want to stuff some twinkies with his own special pastry filling.

And we thought we had finally stabilized the lad's appetites.

Posted by: torchpraise on May 19, 2005 10:14 PM

First Fannie May and now Twinkies?! NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Stop the insanity. *weeps*

Posted by: Alli on May 19, 2005 11:54 PM

Goddam. No more twinkies to stuff in my fat ass and maintain my size 44 waist? What the hell is this country coming to? As for smoking in restaraunts, I have no problem with it. I just walk over and tell the skinny fucktard that is smoking to put it out or I will put him out. The assbags always put it out. Dumbass wouldn't be so skinny if he wasn't dying of lung disease.

Posted by: assrot on May 20, 2005 07:54 AM

Twinkies? Nah -- gimme a Zinger® any day.

(And yes, I just know someone is going to pretend I mean the other kind of "zinger.")

Posted by: McGehee on May 20, 2005 10:43 AM

mmmmmmmm, Hostess Ho Hos....

Posted by: Grace on May 20, 2005 11:34 AM


I'm shocked. Really. People aren't interested in that treat from the 1950s?

If Hostess was on the ball, they would be experimenting with new types of snack cakes. People's tastes and our chemical sciences have improved greatly since they created the first Twinkie.

Personally, I never liked any of Hostess's stuff.

Posted by: ErikZ on May 21, 2005 04:37 AM
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