April 05, 2005
the dreaded "wet fart"
I've warned you before that this man is a pervert, but he discusses an interesting topic on this post. I think it's all a sign of old age.
When I was young, I could rip some good farts that were as loud as summer thunder and sometimes carried a stench with magnificent hang-time. I could clear out a tent in the woods and make five other boys run for fresh air. Those were the good old days.
Now, I try to sneak a fart--- you know, just kinda ease it out--- because I don't know what might be in there. My asshole is not nearly as reliable today as it once was. What FEELS like a fart today may be something else, and that can be embarrassing in mixed company. The wet stuff is bad enough, but when you encounter the dreaded "lumpy-fart," you know that you have fucked up and you're probably going to have to ditch another pair of underwear.
That's just one more example of why life is not fair. As you grow older, you expect your mind to go South on you. But you oughta be able to trust your asshole forever. But that ain't so.
I trust my mind more than I do my asshole anymore. My mind has never shit my pants.
"My mind has never shit my pants"?
it may not make much sense, but man, is it an apt descriptive term.
Haven't you ever heard of a "brain fart"?
Last year I had custody of my nephew, his friend stayed the night. The ENTIRE time they farted ON each other, then they'd fart IN FRONT of the fan (I have no a/c). Laughing hysterically the whole time. Good gravy! I never knew boys were so damn gassed up! Where the hell do they keep it all??
"After fifty, never trust a fart." - Jim from Iowa
Hell, I shit myself just last month, and I'm only 23 (to be fair, though, I was running a crazy temperature, delirious and puking every 5 minutes as well, so it wasn't like I did it in the office).
Dang. I tried very hard to keep a straight face as I read this posting.
I wasn't successful;-)
I shouldn't do this, but I have to tell you guys.
A cousin of mine did this -- and she was wearing PANTYHOSE!
Picture that scene!
Little hoochie I was tryin' to hook up with as a teenager on spring break shit her bikini. Little White bikini....Beer shits. Ever had them? She went runnin' off from the pool deck w/ shit runnin' down her leg. Liquid shit. She could have shit through a wash cloth. That was some funny shit.
Just had one!
'Course I gotta medical condition that needs fixin'.
Trouble is, I live in Canukistan, and it will take months to re-arrange the asshole to it's former pristine condition.
In the meantime...........
When I finished laughing, I got to thinking. If we listen to a lot people about where they think your head is, maybe your mind HAS shit your pants.
In some peoples opinions.
And why does Grace's relatives feel the need to strain the stuff. Reminds me of baby-food. YUCK!
Hell, I'm only 33 and I'm not too proud to admit I've sharted a few times.
The way I feel today driving my work truck this post hits a little to close to home. Several times today I had to use my JET TO THE JOHN card in desperate circumstances..........What a drag it is getting old.
My sane sister is renowned for "cracking the sky" indoors. She prefers to walk from her living room into a small, nearly empty room leading to the kitchen to demonstrate her prowess by utilizing the ricocheting effect off the walls there - which used to mystify me because I could not be sure she was not operating some kind of machinery along the way, since I couldn't see her. Sounds like some low to medium pitched woody racheting device, or a really loud creaking floor. Very confusing to the hapless guest and well done.
BTW, she just revealed to me that she was in on the origin of the Vagina Monologues in 1971 at Vasser College. She noticed her roomate making noises from her vagina one night and was challenged to do the same. My sister could not or did not want to try, so it was left to be a monologue which separated the true Sisters from the riff-raff. My sister hightailed it out of the College soon thereafter, redoubling her determination to become proficient at talking quite well out of her ass, thank you. We communicate as one.
I don't know what she reccommends to eliminate the brown blast marks, etc., left on garments. I prefer through-and-through blow holes which attempt to put the problem somewhere else, but these don't really work too well. Might have to go to Depends, but then again, don't want to be muffled, especially when faced with talking vaginas.
This is wrong!
I am Greek, and eat a lot of junk food. I work in Washington, D.C. and love going to the Corn Dog Shack on 14th Street. I often have watery bowel movements at work, and fart a lot driving home.
a blue nose follows through when he was about to take his wife for an interview for a job when he had 2 turn back home 2 change himself making the wife loose the job she applied for all because the husband shit his nickers due to a wet fart