Gut Rumbles
 

March 10, 2005

I am in a pissy mood

I went to see mama today. If she lives to see the weekend, I'll be surprised. You cannot possibly understand how bad I feel to see this happen to the robust woman who raised me. Hospice is keeping her comfortable, but she's fading fast. Just in the past three days, the downhill slide has been tremendous.

That's MY MAMA. I don't want to watch her shrivel and die the way she is doing. She can't sit up by herself anymore. She can't go to the bathroom by herself anymore. She can't even drink water without puking it right back up. She's nothing but skin and bones now. But she keeps fighting.

Today was another day where I wished for a lightswitch on the wall that I could turn off and stop this shit.

She's worried about ME. She said that I should go to a doctor and find out what was wrong with my belly. "I'm fine, mama," I said. "No, you're not," she replied. "You look bad. Promise me that you'll go see a doctor."

I told her that I would.

After the nurse gave her a dose of liquid morphene and she fell asleep, I went out to the parking lot and cried for about 15 minutes before I drove home. I was always taught that life isn't easy, but nobody ever told me that death is so hard. This is my second time watching a parent go slowly, and this time is no easier than the first one was. In fact, I think this one is worse. I am hurt and angry right now.

If you want to pick a fight with me, today is the day to do it.

Comments

God keep your Mama, Rob. I hope neither of you have to suffer any longer than is absolutely necesary.

Posted by: og on March 10, 2005 02:44 PM

Peace, Rob, I wish her peace, as well as you.

Posted by: Christina on March 10, 2005 02:47 PM

I'm sorry Rob...

Posted by: Jay G on March 10, 2005 03:00 PM

Keeping you and your mama in my thoughts and prayers. Did you tell her it was okay to go? Yes, it's hard to say. I remember. Tell her how many people love her and are thinking about her.

Posted by: Em's Mom on March 10, 2005 03:09 PM

I've told you this BEFORE! But I'll be happy to go over it again. They hang on for us, OK.

Your mama needs to know that YOU WILL BE OK. That she doesn't need to hang around to take care of YOU.

TELL YOUR MAMA THAT YOU MADE A DOCTOR's APPT. PERIOD!!!

Posted by: Maggie on March 10, 2005 03:10 PM

Maggie is onto something. My mom hung on until I could get back to Sacramento to see her. Within a couple of hours of my visit, she was gone.

Posted by: McGehee on March 10, 2005 03:24 PM

My sympathy and Condolences for your pain and hers, most of all did you tell her thank you for all that she did to make you what you are.

Posted by: David on March 10, 2005 03:30 PM

OMG, McGhee you reminded me...my aunt was in a nursing home in Newport News. One Sunday had a bad fall and was suddenly confined to bed 24/7. At 98 years of age she had been remarkable. Whenever I went to visit I had to schedule my visit around HER SCHEDULE. Come after the sing along at 11 but you have to leave so I can go to bingo at 2. Boy oh boy they get feisty when they hit 90!

Wasn't going to tell her I was making the 8 hour drive for a surprise visit and then that damn little voice inside my head said "FOOL...let her know you are coming". So I did.

She was very poor when we got there and kept apologizing for not being up for our visit..
On the second day she mustered up all her strength and sang several songs for me just like was I was little. (She never had any children of her own and treated all children very special.)

The day before we were due to leave she passed. So we were there to go through her things and make all the arrangements..

Life is so strange sometimes. But in my heart I know she waited till I got there so we could have one last visit.

Damn.

Posted by: Maggie on March 10, 2005 04:07 PM

You and your Mama are in my thoughts...May you both find peace

Posted by: Sillius Soddus on March 10, 2005 04:09 PM

I feel for you, Rob. Maggie is right. Mom is hanging on for you! Sometimes you gotta give a loved one permission to go. I don't know exactly how that works, but I've heard it often.

Posted by: Ed on March 10, 2005 04:24 PM

Ah, Rob! People who really love life have a damned hard time letting go of it. Just more proof of the tenacity of your mom's spirit.

I'll continue to hold you and your family in my prayers.

Posted by: Omnibus Driver on March 10, 2005 04:50 PM

Sending my thoughts to you as well! I hope your Mom will find Peace soon! I wish there was some way to make it easier! Just know you many people are pulling for you and sending you strength!

Posted by: Wendi on March 10, 2005 04:57 PM

Having just lost dad, I can relate. please accept our deepest sympathies! Just to let you know, both my brother and I told dad that it was ok to go, this with a sister on the way from out of town. He passed just before her flight was to land, so she never really had the opportunity to see him. I believe it was better this way, she only had one thing to grieve instead of two.
Peace brother!!!

Posted by: crabby bill on March 10, 2005 05:23 PM

Prayers for peace and comfort for you both-
Dane and UziQ

Posted by: DaneBramage on March 10, 2005 05:27 PM

Ain't nobody gonna pick fights now, Acidman. Many of us have been where you are. I would hope that God takes her soon so that both of you can be in peace. She will pass knowing that she is loved by you. No mama can ask more....

Posted by: Hap Arnold on March 10, 2005 05:31 PM

May the pain stop quickly...and the memories live for as long as you are able to pass the stories on to future generations. You are both in my thoughts.

Posted by: Guy S. on March 10, 2005 06:08 PM

I was just going to say the same as Maggie. She's worried about your stomach pain. It would ease your Mama if she knew you were doing something about it. You might not care to much about it right now but she does. You're lucky to have been reared by such a wonderful woman.

Posted by: Nelly on March 10, 2005 06:20 PM

Continued prayers and vibes to you.

Posted by: Kim on March 10, 2005 06:52 PM

my mom had the alz--i moved to co and left her in care of my sis in ny--nursing home-out of it- i would fly back every 6 months--well, in feb '99 i got on the plane went to ny for my semi annual visit-when i arrived, i got paged at airport-mom had just passed- i got to hospital-she was still warm-- i swear she didnt know i was coming to visit--yet-- i guess she did--saved me a frantic trip vs. one that was scheduled--her final gift to me--rob--go to the freakin' dr and ease mama's mind, ok???

Posted by: mikeymom on March 10, 2005 07:13 PM

my mom had the alz--i moved to co and left her in care of my sis in ny--nursing home-out of it- i would fly back every 6 months--well, in feb '99 i got on the plane went to ny for my semi annual visit-when i arrived, i got paged at airport-mom had just passed- i got to hospital-she was still warm-- i swear she didnt know i was coming to visit--yet-- i guess she did--saved me a frantic trip vs. one that was scheduled--her final gift to me--rob--go to the freakin' dr and ease mama's mind, ok???

Posted by: mikeymom on March 10, 2005 07:14 PM

my mom had the alz--i moved to co and left her in care of my sis in ny--nursing home-out of it- i would fly back every 6 months--well, in feb '99 i got on the plane went to ny for my semi annual visit-when i arrived, i got paged at airport-mom had just passed- i got to hospital-she was still warm-- i swear she didnt know i was coming to visit--yet-- i guess she did--saved me a frantic trip vs. one that was scheduled--her final gift to me--rob--go to the freakin' dr and ease mama's mind, ok???

Posted by: mikeymom on March 10, 2005 07:15 PM

Have strength, my friend.

Posted by: Kim du Toit on March 10, 2005 09:39 PM

If he can't leave her with you in full health, may God take her without pain and soon Rob.

Posted by: pdwalker on March 10, 2005 09:39 PM

Strength and Peace to you and yours, Rob. Be proud. All of our condolensces.

Posted by: Roy AlderseBaes on March 10, 2005 10:28 PM

Peace, brother Rob.

Peace to you, and Peace and Rest to your mom.

Now and forevermore.


Jim
Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim on March 10, 2005 11:53 PM

Be strong...
my prayers and condolences for your mama

Matt

Posted by: Matt on March 11, 2005 06:31 AM

Not only is it a very hard thing to face, but no one can really help you, though many will try. Strength to you. You already have all the compassion you need.

Posted by: david on March 11, 2005 07:33 AM

Not that I'd want to pick a fight with you anyway.

Make that doctor's appointment for yourself so you can tell your mama that you are going to look after you, and she doesn't have to. It will help put both of your minds at rest.

(Yes, I can nag with the best of them!)

You are both in my prayers.

Posted by: LibraryGryffon on March 11, 2005 11:27 AM

Rob,
There is not really much I can say except hang on in there.
Jim

Posted by: jim braiden on March 11, 2005 11:43 AM

You and Mama are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend.

Posted by: Larry on March 11, 2005 11:37 PM

It isn't that I have nothing to say, I just can't express it..Thinking of you and your family.
T

Posted by: Trease on March 12, 2005 03:55 AM
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