Gut Rumbles

February 08, 2005

"cranky old bastard"

I get called that a lot. I really don't understand why. Am I "cranky" just because I voice loud, obnoxious opinions and I stay pissed off a lot? It's not like I hate EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY. I like grits and boiled peanuts and I don't hate the Pope. See? I have my good side.

I'm not THAT goddam old, either. And you young whippersnappers can just bite my ancient, withered shanks for calling me old. Whelps. That's why I ain't gonna regret spending YOUR Social Security money on myself.

I don't exactly have a family line that goes back the the Mayflower, but I am NOT a bastard. I am the eldest son of Robert and Elva Smith, proud parents of a little boy born on February 16th, 1952. I have family. Don't insult my heritage that way.

If you wanna call me an ASSHOLE, that's different. Hey... what can I say? I've been known to display my sphincter a few times and I'll keep on doing it, too. Bite me where it's brown if you don't like it.

See what I mean? I am NOT cranky, I am NOT old and I am NOT a bastard. So, stop calling me that. Try "ill-tempered, decrepit, blithering asshole."

I can live with that.


Oh hell, I promise not to call you 'old' ever again since I see now that i am officially older than you,,,,,gawd, such a horrible plight in life!

Posted by: Michele on February 8, 2005 02:57 PM

God I love me some boiled peanuts.

Posted by: catzmeow on February 8, 2005 03:18 PM

Well, if you're not old, then I must still be a youngster.

Try telling that to my knees.

Posted by: McGehee on February 8, 2005 03:33 PM

"ill-tempered, decrepit, blithering asshole."

Works for me!

Posted by: BeeBee on February 8, 2005 04:24 PM

I think the "old" part comes from the fact that you frequently sound like the stereotypical "grumpy old man".

And for the record, I called you a "crochety old buzzard", not "cranky old bastard":
Hell, if I want to make a personal comment, I'll leave yer mama out of it.

That being said, I admit to thinking that you are older than you actually are. On that topic (sort of) have you been to the doctor yet for those olfactory hallucinations? We worry about ya, Dude.

Posted by: Strider on February 8, 2005 05:23 PM

Acidman, others may call you asshole, but that doesn't matter to us. You're our asshole!

Posted by: steve on February 8, 2005 05:54 PM

How about "curmudgeonly, irascible, temperamental old fuck"?

We coulld leave out the "old", however, cuz "curmudgeonly" already covers that. Anyways, you're not really old. Just a little ripe.

Posted by: Amy on February 8, 2005 06:18 PM

But that's all part of your charm...
The reason I keep coming back here is to see who's on your "shit list" today... (or whose shit list you made it on. Either way, it's entertaining.)

Posted by: -=e=- on February 8, 2005 06:36 PM

My mom's name is Elva, too.

Posted by: Bhost1 on February 9, 2005 12:57 AM

My mom is named Elva, also.

Posted by: Duke on February 9, 2005 12:58 AM

That's odd that TWO readers have a mama named "Elva." My mama is the only Elva I've ever known.

Posted by: Acidman on February 9, 2005 11:29 AM
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