February 08, 2005
things rednecks don't say
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
(Thanks to Michelle for the email!)
I could add a few others (such as, "No grits for me. I prefer cream o' wheat" or "You know, a glass of nice chablis would taste good with these ribs" or "Boiled peanuts? YUK!"), but I won't.
"I don't care if it is gonna snow. We've got everything we need at home and we don't need to go to the store."
If you ever compose a list of what they would say, number one had better be: Hold my beer and watch this!
"Don't you think the Yosimite Sam mudflaps are a bit much?"
"That Ted Kennedy's a real class act"
"There are more important things in life than fishing and hunting"
I passed this list to my husband, and he submitted a few others:
41. No, I can't marry you - we're too closely related.
42. Polyester is so uncomfortable.
43. I love amazon's selection in nonfiction.
44. Those boobs are too big - she looks like a cow.
45. What's a carburator?
46. What's the point of NASCAR? All they do is drive in a circle.
47. No guns in this house.
48. No thanks - I'm watching my trans-fats.
49. I'll have a white wine, thanks.
50. The war in Iraq is lost. Let's surrender.