Gut Rumbles

February 02, 2005

cabinet meeting

"Mr. President! Mr. President! Wake UP!"

Somebody was shaking me, but I knew that this was no time to react quickly. I needed to make a damage assessment and then see what still worked before I moved. "Go 'Way," I mumbled. I burped something horrible. Oh, Bejus! What did I do last night? "Tell Eric I need a Bloody Mary immediately and I want someone killed within the hour."

The Bloody Mary arrived quickly and Eric asked, "who you want me to kill, boss?"

"Me," I replied. "Do me a favor. Shoot me now."

"I can't shoot YOU, boss! You're the BOSS!"

"Take a good look at me. What do you see?"

"Fido's ass, boss!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, you ought to be on the inside looking out. THERE'S where you'll find Fido's ass. Go ahead and shoot me now. I hurt when I breathe. Put me out of my misery."

My President in Charge of Vice came waltzing through the room and stuck something up my nose. I gasped in surprise and felt a LOT better 30 seconds later. "Dahhh-ling," she said. "Get your Cracker ass out of bed and become presentable. We have a celebration today. It's a STATE occasion."

I started to get out of bed and discovered an immovable lump next to me. HOLY BATSHIT!!! My Secretary of State was asleep in bed with me!!! And we didn't have a single hooker to show for it! WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT????

I felt my asshole. It seemed to be okay. I wasn't violated. So, I figured I'd check the Secretary's asshole to make double sure.... and then I realized how perverted that might look. ME, POTUS himself, caught with his finger up SEC of STATE'S ass. That would be a difficult picture to explain.

I took a shower and asked my First Lady for some more of that coffee she gave me this morning. After that. I was ready to go meet the public. I think we're gonna invade Peru tomorrow.

I don't know how I missed it, but our invasion of Canada took 12 hours. We now own that frozen wasteland and I don't know what we want it for. Did I REALLY give that order? I must have, because I made the Prime Minister kiss ass and apologize for shooting ME the bird.

That's okay. My White House Advisor has everything under control. I can trust HER!!!

This cabinet is working out very nicely, so far,


Do you have an opening for a Minister of Je Ne Sais Quoi? I am able to speak and write in feeble French to unearth extant Galaxian machines in Parisian bars, circa 1981, cheap quantities of Dom Perignon from Epernay and to appropriate unending quantities of cream, real croissants, Babybel cheese, poulet, fresh baguettes and cases of Pernod, along with speeches addressed to WWII French vets who spit on my foot as I walked thru L'Hyere that "Were it not for us you would be German today" realizing that everyone else in the world has taken that speech and made it stale.

I could pretend to be a secretary and cause great damage.
Thank you for your consideration.

Posted by: Kim on February 2, 2005 11:12 PM

I would like to submit my name for secretary of pornography.

Posted by: Robert on February 2, 2005 11:29 PM

WTF? 12 hours? I told you guys to bring snow tires. But you know, even if you were less than hasty I do feel strangely LIBERATED! BTW howcome you didn't stop in for a beer? Not very neighbourly and bad manners just chaps my ass. As for your Sec. State well Screech will do that to ya. Got you acting all Canadian.

Posted by: bobthebellbuoy on February 3, 2005 12:21 AM

I believe I'm ready for the early retirement package.

Posted by: Velociman on February 3, 2005 06:26 AM

.. no way, Velociman.. this gig is a lifetime appointment... no one gets outta this Party alive...


Sec of Assorted Wherewithall

Posted by: Eric on February 3, 2005 07:25 AM

I finally *get* it. Acidman is the redneck Hunter S. Thompson. Bahahahahahaha. Or is it supposed to be funny? Heh.

Posted by: Big Bopper on February 3, 2005 11:17 AM

So was the First Lady in bed with you and Velociman?

Posted by: Key on February 3, 2005 02:23 PM

No, there were putas but I sent them home at midnight when Bossman broke out the tawse and started flaying them. We just spooned afterward.

About that early retirement? I have pics now.

Posted by: Velociman on February 3, 2005 08:34 PM
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