February 02, 2005
"Mr. President! Mr. President! Wake UP!"
Somebody was shaking me, but I knew that this was no time to react quickly. I needed to make a damage assessment and then see what still worked before I moved. "Go 'Way," I mumbled. I burped something horrible. Oh, Bejus! What did I do last night? "Tell Eric I need a Bloody Mary immediately and I want someone killed within the hour."
The Bloody Mary arrived quickly and Eric asked, "who you want me to kill, boss?"
"Me," I replied. "Do me a favor. Shoot me now."
"I can't shoot YOU, boss! You're the BOSS!"
"Take a good look at me. What do you see?"
"Fido's ass, boss!"
"Oh, yeah? Well, you ought to be on the inside looking out. THERE'S where you'll find Fido's ass. Go ahead and shoot me now. I hurt when I breathe. Put me out of my misery."
My President in Charge of Vice came waltzing through the room and stuck something up my nose. I gasped in surprise and felt a LOT better 30 seconds later. "Dahhh-ling," she said. "Get your Cracker ass out of bed and become presentable. We have a celebration today. It's a STATE occasion."
I started to get out of bed and discovered an immovable lump next to me. HOLY BATSHIT!!! My Secretary of State was asleep in bed with me!!! And we didn't have a single hooker to show for it! WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT????
I felt my asshole. It seemed to be okay. I wasn't violated. So, I figured I'd check the Secretary's asshole to make double sure.... and then I realized how perverted that might look. ME, POTUS himself, caught with his finger up SEC of STATE'S ass. That would be a difficult picture to explain.
I took a shower and asked my First Lady for some more of that coffee she gave me this morning. After that. I was ready to go meet the public. I think we're gonna invade Peru tomorrow.
I don't know how I missed it, but our invasion of Canada took 12 hours. We now own that frozen wasteland and I don't know what we want it for. Did I REALLY give that order? I must have, because I made the Prime Minister kiss ass and apologize for shooting ME the bird.
That's okay. My White House Advisor has everything under control. I can trust HER!!!
This cabinet is working out very nicely, so far,
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