February 02, 2005
kiss my ass
Just to be an obnoxious shit:
Here are the 10 first place winners in an International Pun Contest :
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during
a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture
of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So,
the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally,...
There was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the
hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!
Then there was southern transvestite who consistently went after my best friend every time we frequented Sloppy Joes ™ while down in Key West. My friend was somewhat taken aback by this as he was very straight. But his curiosity got the better of him. But I stopped him from going and asking the suggestive cross dresser why, because the answer was quite obvious.
"Never Ask For Whom The Bell Trolls...He Trolls For Thee!"
.. oh, c'mon... that Ghandi one was damn funny...
They're all funny! I'm gonna pass 'em around at work.
Some men were doing asphalt work. On the sidewalk next to them, Kenny was doing his damnedest to pick up a very good-looking chick. After a while she got tired of him and shoved him into the street in front of the machinery, which rolled over him on the spot.
Now everyone can see a Kenny paved is a Kenny spurned...
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Newsflash assholes, puns are NOT funny. They, in fact, piss me off. Case in point: A frog walks into a bank, he speaks to a teller named Patty Wak. "Please ma'am I'd like to apply for a loan." Ms. Wak says, "We'll need to see some collateral." "My father is Mick Jagger...he has lots of money," replies the frog. "I'm sorry, but we need to know what assets YOU have Mr. Frog." "Well, I have this..." The frog pulls a small pink plastic elephant out of his pocket and hands it to Ms. Wak. Patty takes a look at it and says, "I'm going to have to run this by my manager."
She enters the manager's office and says, "Look, I'm out front talking to a frog who's looking for a loan and says he's Mick Jagger's son. And he gives me this as collateral." She hands him the plastic elephant. "What the hell is it anyway?"
The manager carefully examaines the elephant and says, "Why, it's a knick-knack Patty Wak, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
I wonder why this didn’t win:
Hugh Hefner was having a party at the Playboy mansion. All the big celebrities (Mick Jagger) and some not so big (Dennis Weaver) were their. It was getting late and Mick wanted to thank his host for the fun evening but couldn’t find him. He went searching the mansion and when he entered a bedroom, much to his shock, he saw Hugh Hefner boning Dennis Weaver, so he shouts out, “Hey, Hugh, get off o’ Mcloud!”