Gut Rumbles
 

February 01, 2005

another cabinet meeting

ME: "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Where the hell is eric? I need a god-dam Bloody Mary this morning." (Bloody Mary appears instantly.) "Thank you, Eric.

SEC of DEFENSE: "Boss, what happened to your eye? You look like Fido's ass."

Me: I had a slight disagreement with my white house advisor last night. She kinda kicked me when I wasn't expecting it after I made improper inquiries about the situation in her panties Iraq, or wherever it was I was talking about. Damn, but that woman has long legs."

sec of state: "Boss, have you see THIS?" He tosses a newpaper my way.

ME: "Yeah, I read that bullshit. Who is this asshole, anyway?"

Sec of State: "He's a tin-pot, pissant, corrupt little shitass who receives $2.8 billion in aid from us every year and then uses the money to equip his military, eat high on the hog, and run whores through his bedroom like something at a cattle show. His people are starving."

ME: "And HE is jumping on a stump to tell ME what to do in Africa? That fucking fuck!"

SEC of DEFENSE: "Let's bomb the piss out of him."

ME: "I've got a better idea, but I'll keep that one on the back burner. ERIC!!!"

ERIC: "Another Bloody Mary, or do you want me to kill somebody?"

ME: "Neither one. I want you and Kim to put together a team of the usual suspects and pay this guy a visit. Take one of the BIG airplanes--- not #1, goddamit, cause that one's MINE--- but get a really impressive one. Let him know you're coming about eight hours before you get there. I want to see him jump through his ass."

ERIC: "Do I kill him then?"

KIM: "Can we capture the whores as war booty?"

DAX: "I still say bomb the piss out of the fucker."

ME: "No, dammit! We're going to use diplomacy here. Find out who his main rival is. Write the sum of $2,800,000,000 on a piece of paper. Show it to the pissant and rip the paper to shreds right in front of his face. Tell him no more dough if he can't lose that urge to speachify. Mention that we can buy his rival for a lot less money and that we don't really give a shit about who runs his sump of a country as long as that ruler does not bring pain to the Presidential ass. See if he will listen to reason."

ERIC: "And if he won't?"

ME: "Kill him like a pig, kidnap as many whores as you can, then get out of there. THAT'S when we bomb the piss out of them."

press secretary: "Mr. President, what about world opinion? You really have no legal right under international law to assassinate a world leader and then bomb the piss out of his country."

ME" "I'll worry about world opinion as soon as I remove this pain in my ass. You guys all straight on the plan? Good! Let's go do it. And KIM... be a little more judicious with the slush fund money this time. No stopovers in Bangkok or Thailand, okay? Just out and back, right?"

A strong leader never hesitates to give harsh orders, expecially when he has a team he can count on.

Comments

Great stuff!!

Posted by: Jim -PRS on February 1, 2005 11:13 AM

Thanks for not firing me, but uh, why I am I always in isolation? I'm bustin' in on the next meeting. Tell Wherewithall to have an Irish coffee waiting for me.

Posted by: Key on February 1, 2005 01:52 PM

I thought I was a paragon of discretion in Bangkok. I say let Eric kill the fucker while I round up strays.

Posted by: Velociman on February 1, 2005 07:00 PM
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