Gut Rumbles

February 01, 2005

new appointments

I'm beginning to solidify the core group that will sweep me into the White House in 2008. I am a firm believer in political partonage, and I will reward each and every team member with incredible perks and untraceable cash, depending on the job each one does. I pay on the merit system.

I need a good secretary of transportation, and I don't want some wuss who preaches about CAFE standards or the evils of SUVs. I want somebody with a set of balls who knows the difference between a turbo-charger and a supercharger. Mr. Lion is my man.

Secretary of the Treasury: The truth is, I don't trust ANY of you sumbitches to have a hand in the till without someone keeping a close eye on you. I'm dealing with some crafty, unethical individuals here and I gotta pick somebody, so it'll be the possum-daddy, just because he probably is the LEAST untrustworthy of the bunch.

Attorney General: I need a crook who doesn't act like a crook and who is slick enough never to get caught being a crook. I might give her a shot, at least long enough to see if she can run with the Tall Dogs.

Head of the Secret Service: this guy, of course. I want my Secret Service to be a paramilitary force capable of convincing anybody who wants to kill me that it's a bad idea. I want them to bristle with firearms every time I appear in public. And shoot at anything that looks suspicious just to show people that we're serious.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Who else but this guy? He LOOOVES helping people.

Postmaster General: I'm gonna go pick a yankee for this job. He can't create a lot of chaos there as long as he doesn't get a snoot-full of moonsh... home-made wine. As long as he delivers all the Publishing Clearing House Sweepstates winners to ME, we'll get along just fine.

Department of Beating the Shit out of Political Rivals: You know, if John Kerry had said some of the things to ME that he said to George Bush, I would want his fucking legs broken. You try that same crap on ME and you'll wish you hadn't. Ever heard of a "colostomy bag?" Well, you'll find out if you fling shit at ME. I'm picking these two guys, if they actually manage to get out of bed in the morning.

I'm still working on the list. More will come later.

Just remember our motto: FUCK YOU, and get out of my yard!


Do I get a position? Minor yet influential would be cool.

Or I could just be Chief Justice in charge of interpreting the Constitution as written and intended, perhaps.

Posted by: Jay on February 1, 2005 01:46 PM


Reporting for duty, Sir!

You forget, I come from the Great State of Louisiana. We invented politics, Southern-style.

Posted by: Christina on February 1, 2005 02:11 PM

That cabinet is shaping up nicely. Although, some might refer to it as a closet instead.

Posted by: Dash on February 1, 2005 02:15 PM

Kim can have the head of the Secret Service.

I want to head up the CIA.


Posted by: Jay G. on February 1, 2005 03:24 PM

What about me? Can I torture/be sadistic to people? Make fun of the french and point out how others have better wine? Introduce them to Georgia wine? Blow them up? Hmmmmph. CIA, NSA, hmmmmmmm.

Posted by: Laughing Wolf on February 1, 2005 06:14 PM

Shit! You're leaving me out? I'm pissed!

Posted by: Denny on February 7, 2005 06:25 PM
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