Gut Rumbles

September 07, 2004

zap the cat next time

From an email, and if it's not true, it SHOULD be:

Dear Friends,

My wife Anna is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Anna. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed.

Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Anna what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Franky looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Franky) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Franky for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Anna to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Franky looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.
Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ***! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Franky was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.


See what cats do to your mind.

Posted by: James Old Guy on September 7, 2004 10:03 AM

They're sending me home for the day because I'm sitting here laughing out loud like a lunatic.

Posted by: Ames on September 7, 2004 10:18 AM

Me too. Damn that made me laugh.
Jim Braiden

Posted by: jim braiden on September 7, 2004 10:35 AM

Thanks be to God you did not buy your wife a gun.

Posted by: dbltap on September 7, 2004 11:03 AM

That was just too damn funny.

Posted by: Chablis on September 7, 2004 11:23 AM

Talk about a case of the dumbass.........

Posted by: tybee mike on September 7, 2004 11:58 AM

I know a guy who bought the 250,000 volt model and uses it to fry the car alarms of people in his neighborhood if they keep having the damn things go off at 1am. Just hit the hood of the car and..

Posted by: Graumagus on September 7, 2004 01:20 PM

Yeah. That sounds about right.

...uhh...not that I would have any personal knowledge with such an experience

...or anything.

Posted by: Fish on September 7, 2004 03:09 PM

Too funny! I'm still laughing, and you are right, hindsight is an exact science!

Posted by: Bob on September 7, 2004 04:20 PM

Shit man, I am still laughing, almost pee my pants, good story, Cat.

Posted by: Catfish on September 7, 2004 05:11 PM

Back in the seventies,early eighties I was a police office for a small department when stun guns first came out. 100,000 volts at 2 amps. Naturaly, the department issued these little goodies as a means to avoid liability such as accrues to use of lethal force.
My partner and I were called out on a domestic violence situation; one of the local red-neck riverrats had gotten all lickered up and wanted to use his wife as a stress relieving punching bag. When we arrived, he was more than ready to take us both on in his quest for stress relief. My partner decided that this would be a great first field test for our new toys.....all he did was hold the stun gun up and trigger it to make an arc across the prongs with a corrosponding "snap"; Then he told the idiot that the next time it would be against his arm when he triggered it; the jackass went from wanting to fight two armed police officers to getting down on the floor and putting the handcuffs on himself without having even felt the sting, just because it sounded like it would fry him!

Posted by: delftsman3 on September 7, 2004 06:08 PM

My gut hurts enough now, thank you.

Posted by: LongrifleFlntlck on September 7, 2004 10:19 PM

He should've put the stun gun on 3 and zapped the damn cat.

Posted by: Brent on September 7, 2004 11:31 PM

Never Zap a Pussy! It's very bad form.

And it takes hours to get the smell of singed fur out of the air.

Posted by: Mamamontezz on September 8, 2004 12:25 AM
Post a comment

*Note: If you are commenting on an older entry, your
comment will not appear until it has been approved.
Do not resubmit it.