Gut Rumbles

June 22, 2004

there goes the neighborhood

I have a new family living in the house next door to me. They moved in on Sunday. That house has changed hands four times since I moved into the Crackerbox. It should have a revolving door on the front.

And... you know what? It's a BLACK FAMILY!!! That's right, folks. Rabid, racist, redneck Rob has black people living right next door to him now. Oh! The HUMANITY!!!

A drizzling rain started falling this afternoon, so I went outside to scatter some fertilizer on my lawn. I saw the New Kid Next Door, who appears to be about 12 years old, swinging a golf club in his front yard. He was hitting whiffle balls at red flags he had planted all over the yard. He had a pretty good swing, too.

I watched him for a while and then walked over to introduce myself. His name is Kevin and his daddy won't let him hit real golf balls in the yard. I told him that I thought his daddy had a fine idea, because I didn't want an errant shot knocking out a window on my truck. But I also asked, "Would you like some real golf balls? I have some in my garage that I'll give you for free. I won them in tournaments and they're not the brand I like to play. You can have them if you promise not to hit them in the yard."

He agreed and I gave him three sleeves of brand-new Pinnacle balls. He was impressed. "They've never been hit before, so save them for the course," I told him. "You don't need to be playing with shags when you go out for the real deal." He thanked me and went to show his newfound loot to his daddy.

I hope that boy hits every one of those balls long and straight. I also hope that his daddy doesn't think I'm some kind of deviant, attempting to lure young children over to my house with free golf balls.


I hope your new neighbors are as good as you are.

I have a house next door like the one you describe, the previous owners moved out in the middle of the night.
The new owners are first generation polish immigrants, and they are working their asses off to get that place in good nick to move in. I am glad to have them around.

Posted by: og on June 22, 2004 08:08 PM

"hope that his daddy doesn't think I'm some kind of deviant,"

you're not??

Posted by: Michele on June 22, 2004 08:31 PM

I surely hope that poor woman does not have red toenails.

Posted by: Velociman on June 22, 2004 08:45 PM

"hope that his daddy doesn't think I'm some kind of deviant," -- Hey, that was hilarious. It was like the punch line I saw coming from a mile away, but I was thinking THE SAME DAMN THING. Great minds do think alike. Later.


Posted by: Jason Hannemann on June 22, 2004 09:12 PM

I had a woman move in next to me who seemed normal. WRONG. She got my number, called my house at 1AM wanting my Golden Retriever to come stay with her because there was someone trying to break in to her house. I informed her I was NOT sending my dog, but my husband would be right over. (Imagine... wanting my dog!) I went over myself when he didn't return in over an hour. Besides being a few french fries short of a happy meal, she was paranoid, drunk and I believe just a bit horny... (good thing I didnt send the dog). She handed me a handful of Post-it notes and whispered "if they kill me, turn this over to the FBI". OK. Time to leave. When I finally got home I read the Post-it notes. Scrawled on the papers about 200 times was "Went to hell... won't be back". Two things happened the next day. My number was changed and I got another dog.

Posted by: PamelaRN on June 22, 2004 09:38 PM


Did you ever find out what your husband was doing over there for over an hour. Speaking from experience, crazy chicks are great lays.

Just sayin'....

Posted by: rightisright on June 22, 2004 10:46 PM

You did good, Rob. It's up to your neighbor to be a neighbor. Came home from LBJ's vacationland in '69 and moved into an all black neighborhood, spent 3 years there with only 2 altercations (not in the hood), only speck of salt in a sea of pepper, not a thing lost or stolen. hope your neighbor is as good as mine were.

Posted by: Jack on June 23, 2004 01:29 AM


Nahhhh.... crazy chicks may be great lays, but so are nurses.......

Posted by: PamelaRN on June 23, 2004 05:53 AM

I can vouch for the nurse thing.

Posted by: Acidman on June 23, 2004 10:25 AM

Cool in its own right, and a real neighborly gesture.

I've got my five-year-old practicing in the back with wiffle balls and his mommy's pitching wedge (still a bit long for him, but he'll get a suitable starter set for Christmas). He has fun, and I get to work on my 8-iron.

Posted by: Ken Hall on June 23, 2004 11:27 AM
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