June 01, 2004
I didn't blog about this incident in my life when it happened, because I worried (BWHAHAHA!) that my readers might lose all respect for me. I woke up at 3:00 in the morning last night with a severe burning, itching sensation in my crotchital area. I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but the sumbitch just wouldn't stop. I was trying to think about what I had done in Costa Rica that could affect my crotchital area when I felt something CRAWLING ACROSS MY FACE!
I sat bolt upright in bed and slapped at the lamp on the nightstand until I could turn it on and see. HOLY BEJUS! My bed was working alive with ANTS! They were EVERYWHERE and biting me in my most sensitive areas. There were THOUSANDS of them.
I hopped out of bed and ran to the kitchen, where I retrieved my trusty can of Raid. I returned and gassed the shit out of the invaders, then I followed their trail to the Mother Hill, which I coated with Diazinon to teach those fuckers a lesson. I murdered a lot of ants last night, even if I DID have to go outside in my underwear, in the dark, with a flashlight and a demonic look on my face to get the job done.
Effingham County, Georgia, has more ants per square inch than any other place I've ever seen. Something about the sandy soil around here just attracts ants the way a ripe dog turd attracts flies. It wasn't as if I'd been eating crackers in bed and left a lot of crumbs to lure the ants my way. Hell NO! If the bloodthirsty bastards wanted something to eat, they should have been crawling all over my kitchen.
But they attacked me in my bed, in the dark of night, for no good reason. Goddam communists.
After I killed all the ants I could, I was faced with a dilemma. I had to wash my sheets and remake my bed. I am not good at making a bed. I forget which movie it was (I believe that Clint Eastwood starred in it), but the lead character said, "A man's got to know his limitations." Well, I know mine. Making a bed is one of them.
I washed the sheets and put them in the dryer, but I thought seriously about sleeping on a bare mattress tonight. Have you ever seen a monkey fucking a football? If you haven't, just watch me make a bed. It's the same thing.
It was ugly to see, but I finally got the job done. I have fresh, clean, ant-free sheets to sleep on tonight and no children or animals (other than ants) were harmed in the process. I feel lucky to be alive.
But I'm sleeping with the light on tonight.
I've been learning these power of thought techniques as I transcribe this book on thought and there's an excercise on how to keep ticks and chiggers away from your home area and I'm told you can use the same technique on any critter. I'll practice and let me know if you have any results.. Altho it would help if I had a photo of your home so I could visualize better.
It was Clint Eastwood, in "The Enforcer." It seems the ants in Georgia could use a little enforcer to keep them in line, or colony as the case may be, anywhere but my yard, home and bed. They are not only annoying, they are deadly to those of us unlucky enough to be allergic to their unprovoked, evil bites.
Lexia, an Effingham County ant will EAT your "Power of Thought." You don't understand the relentlessness of the enemy.
Eeewww!! And that is why I no longer desire to live in the South.
Actually, "a man's got to know his limitations" is from Magnum Force, not The Enforcer.
When you've seen all the Dirty Harry flicks (plus The Gauntlet, where he's technically not Harry Callahan but his character is identical...) as many times as I have, these things are practically second nature... ;)
Dude...I feel ya. I got into my car today and was halfway to the gas station when I felt biting up and down my legs. I pulled over and about that time Matt started yelling in the back about ants. I had at LEAST 1,000 fire ants crawling around my car, thanks to a half-hidden Crystal that Matt had stuffed under the floor mat. I had to make two trips to the car wash and suck them bad boys out.
And you're right...Effingham is a breeding ground for the little bastards. They're ALL OVER my yard. I've given up trying to get rid of them.
BTW: I enjoyed reading your vaca posts. I wanna go next time! :)
Diazinon? What's up with that pansy crap?
Everybody should have a five gallon can of Naphthalene for just such an occasion.
Damn, I had quite forgotten about those critters. Used to see lots of em back in TX. Glad to see ya got them rat bastadges. Wonder if Napalm would work on the ant hills?
Recently, I had an unfortunate occasion to get intimate with more than a few biting ants during one of my infamous nude photo shoots. OUCH! So I have great sympathy for your ordeal.
(Also, I think the earthquakes in California are caused by the vibration of the feet of a billion ants)
I hate ants!
There's this little lady where I work who swears that pouring dry grits over ant hills will kill them. She's always asking for cupfulls in the summer. I guess it works, because you hardly see any around the building.
I use gas and Ambro in my yard. If you can call it a yard. It's more like a big sandbox than anything.
A question...when a fire ant bites you, why the fuck does it hurt for months and months and months?
Bastards destroyed the LNB in my satellite dish two weeks ago. Completely took out my Direct TV. Argh! You're right, they're communists, they had the nerve to swarm me when I discovered it. I assure you, a whole mess of them met their maker on the spot.
Hey Rob, try straight gas on the little bastards, I live in Central TX and used to have a problem with fireants, none of the chemical pesticides worked, they would just make 'em move a couple feet and rebuild, but gasoline.... That kills the shit out of 'em every time. Makes nice dead spots in your lawn but the grass comes back before the ants do. Also, for bites try rubbing a little raw onion juice on the bite, this works good for mosquito bites too, takes the itch right out.
oh jeez- i cant stop laughing--a monkey fucking a football??? aww jeez-i'm gonna pee myself-thx rob for the laugh- i needed one about now!!
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