August 29, 2003

THE BELLY OF THE BEAST

I was going to discuss this issue on my blog, but then I thought: Hey! This is a more worthy forum, for any host of reasons.

You see, I can't shit when I travel. For some reason when I leave my ZIP Code my sphincter locks up. Perhaps it's a subconscious thing where my body knows better than I; Karachi? Mexico City? Where is this demented bastard taking me this time? The last time it was Phnom Penh! Retrench. Backpedal. Don't drink the water, for chrissakes.

I don't know if this affliction is psychological or opportunistic, and I don't care. Ultimately it doesn't matter one way or the other, because Gut Rumbles are ultimately more than a state of mind.

Some people call it travel stomach. I call it colonic discretion. At any rate it's a pisser of a deal, because when I travel it's to see customers, which involves breakfast meetings, luncheons, and high dinners. In other words, I tend to eat more food, and better food, than I normally would. So I thoroughly aggravate the situation by forcing food down a blocked, indignant channel. So by the time I'm home I'm Positively Septic. Which I believe is the name of the new Dylan CD. You can check me on that, though. Bloated like a second trimester crack whore in denial. Belching... never mind that.

The Glory? (there's always Glory in a story like this): Within two hours of return to terra familiaris I'm not only back to my old self, I'm horrifically back to normal. It's a stage thing, like est. Or, more precisely, like a symphony: the first movement is hard and reluctant, past its prime. Think Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard. The second movement is better, almost normal. Think Geena Davis. Almost normal, but there's something strange going on here... The third movement is pure Gustav Mahler. Chaos, bemusement, something birthed before its time. Think John Carpenter's The Thing. Then all is right.

Strange how life works out that way. Stranger still, that Acidman left me the Keys to his Kingdom.

Denny? Feedback?

Posted by Guestblogger "Life's A Void" Kim