Gut Rumbles

December 31, 2002

I am toast

I begged. I whored. I cleaned greasy kitchen floors, washed cars, cut bratty kids' hair and handled other people's garbage. I sacrificed all my dignity and crawled on my belly like a reptile to strive for the prize.

And... I LOST!!!!

Oh well. I'll be a good sport and wish that cheating bastard Charles Johnson well, and hope that it takes at least a day or so FOR HIS DICK TO FALL OFF after my voodoo curse takes effect. Heh...heh... when he gets that incurable carbuncle on his ass, he'll forget all about his missing dick. Oh, man, did I lay the voodoo on YOU!

Ready For entry

I just made a quick drive down the dirt road behind my house to Randall's Liquor Store (when you buy a house, think: location, location, location!) to stock up on all the supplies I may need before Thursday morning. I didn't buy any champaigne, but a wild hair blew up my ass while I was looking at the tobacco rack and I bought a $10 cigar that Bill Clinton could have a good time with. It's a Panamanian Excaliber and the damned thing is about a foot long and 3/4" thick. I'm gonna play Gomez Addams tonight and smoke that rascal with a big grin on my face while I usher in the New Year. If only I had Tish around to speak French, the night would be perfect.

It's raining like crazy outside and I hear an idiot dog barking out in the street. Off in the distance, people are already shooting off fireworks in the rain, which is probably why the dog is going nuts.

I am supposed to have company in the morning for bacon, eggs, grits, biscuits and Bloody Marys. I hope she shows up, because I have all the fixings. (And a few really nasty he-ing and she-ing plans to get the new year off on the right foot, too) She's working late tonight and she won't call, at least not until tomorrow morning, and only then to tell me that she isn't coming. But I'm pretty sure that she'll be here. Hell, WHERE ELSE can she get an Acidman Breakfast on New Years Day?

Now that damned train whistle is blowing down at the crossing on highway 21 and it makes me ache to hear it. I have the rain drumming on my roof, a train whistle in the night and a $10 cigar to smoke. Plus, a barking dog in the street.

Life in the South is really good sometimes.

My New Year's Post

2002 was a lot better than 2001 for me, although I wasn't really enthused about the new year when it started. Just read THIS POST from a year ago and you'll see the state of mind I was in. I was having a difficult time putting my life back together, but I still wrote well enough to deserve A LOT MORE VOTES than Charles Johnson got by cheating today in the Most Intriguing Blogger of 2002 contest. I TOLD YOU that I wasn't going to let that theme go.

You, my loyal readers and adored commenters, still have a chance to do what is right for me and FOR AMERICA by going TO VOTE as often as you can. If not for me and America, do it for The Children. VOTE! NOW! MORE THAN ONCE!!!

Okay, where was I?

Oh, yeah. I don't make New Year's Resolutions, but I will post some New Year's REVELATIONS that I intend to carry into 2003.

1) My life is better now than it was one year ago. That life still has a lot of things wrong with it, but it's damned sure improved over the past twelve months. I see more good things on life's horizon.

2) If 2001 didn't kill me and I survived 2002, then 2003 should be a walk in the park. My bad joss meter has been pegged out for a while. It's bound to get better now.

3) My son loves me and I love him (even if I AM "ugly as a bulldog in a train smash," according to Mr. Kim Du Toit, who is a fine one to talk considering that hairy-faced picture of the ugly-insult-thrower on HIS homepage. BITE ME, Kim. I've still got hair on my head.) I predict many rough football games, TWO WEEKS at the beach next summer and a lot of sneaky Wet Willies over the next year. That boy is my joy, and I figure that I have about three more years before he hits puberty and I'll want to strangle his obnoxious ass every time I look at him and he gives he The Finger.

4) The ex-wife ditched the unemployed dope-smoker and has been reasonably polite to me in our last few dealings. I'll never understand why she did what she did to me, because I once considered her my best friend in the world, and I'll never forgive her for the pain she caused me, but at least we can be civil to each other now. That's good for Quinton, even if it did take TWO FUCKING YEARS to get there.

5) I've become a somewhat successful blogger and I am very proud of that fact. (Make me even MORE PROUD! Go VOTE FOR ME AGAIN!) I have a lot of friends that I'll probably never meet in person, but I feel that I know them well, just from blog-talk and email. I've met JOANIE and DAX MONTANA, but the rest of those folks I follow closely are just images in my imagination. I still want to have a "sip-n-chat" with DRAGONFLY JENNY some day, because she totally fascinates me (I would like to try learning Japanese... can you imagine someone speaking Japanese with a Cracker accent?) but I suspect that we would need to take each other in small doses. Opposites attract, then explode.

6) I know a lot of bloggers, so I always am surprised when I meet someone who never heard of a blog. Strangely enough, there are more of THEM then there are of US. That's okay. They WILL be assimilated.

7) I'm still not certain what I want this blog to be, other than INTRIGUING, and if you think it is, you should GO VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE right NOW. (God, I am one shameless whore!) Gut Rumbles probably always will be a work in progress. I never know what I'm going to write about until I start to write. Sometimes even then I don't know. But it's still intriguing, right?

8) I intend to go somewhere exotic that I've never been before next year. I was considering Jamiaca, but I've been there twice already. I've been to the Virgin Islands. I've never been to Mexico, and I speak a modicum of Spanish (Da mi una cervesa, por favor. Donde estan las chicas?) so I might have a good time there, especially if I could hire a cheap cab driver to take me to the seamy underbelly of the place and get me out of there alive.

I LIKE seamy underbellies!

I want to go check one next year.

9) I have no desire to quit smoking, lose weight, start an exercise program or otherwise indulge in any kind of self-improvement delusion. I've had fifty years to improve myself, and if I was serious about doing it, I would have done it by now. My past shows me that I am not serious. Therefore, I intend to smoke more, exercise less, binge-drink, gain some weight (I am too skinny) and eat all the artery-clogging food that I can shove into my face next year. Nobody lives forever and I want to go out in a blaze of self-indulgent glory.

10) I wish everyone who visits this page a Happy New Year and and a wonderful, prosperous life. May your children grow strong and may you live long, with nothing but good things falling into your lap.

That ain't gonna happen, so STRIKE A BLOW against the vagarities of life and VOTE FOR ME as the Most Intriguing Blogger of 2002. Vote NOW! More than once, too.

Do it for The Children.

Food for thought

Are human beings, by nature, good or evil? That's a great existential question, isn't it?

I believe that humans, by nature, are capable of both incredible good and incredible evil depending on the individual and the circumstances he/she encounters. I also believe that we produce more Adolph Hitlers and Saddam Husseins than we do