Gut Rumbles

March 31, 2002

The electricity blipped during the

The electricity blipped during the storm, so I had to tour the house and reset every digital clock I own. I set them all a few minutes apart, just to put some variety in my life. A time warp occurs if I walk from my bedroom to the kitchen. Weird.

I dug through my CDs and found some old stuff I had not listened to in a long time. Remember Highway 101? Paulette Carlson broke up that band to start a solo career and neither she nor the band has been heard from since. Too bad, because the band made good music and Paulette sang like a bird. "Sleeping in the Bed You Made For Me" is a classic. Then, I ran across Mary Chapin Carpenter and listened to "This Shirt" three times in a row with the volume turned up loud. I popped Dire Straits in next and played "Sultans of Swing" over and over again. I believe that might be the greatest rock and roll song of all time, with extremely tasty guitar licks by Mark Knopfler. I also have "Neck and Neck," where Mark plays with Chet Atkins, and that's downright obscene. I've played guitar for more than 30 years and I HATE IT when people blow my doors off and make it look so easy. A lot of good guitar players cruise around out there, but I can always distinguish Eric Clapton, Mark Knopfler and Leo Kottke anytime I hear them, no matter what the music. They are stylists and their sounds are unique. Hell, I'M A STYLIST, TOO; I just don't play as well as those guys do.

If I decide to ditch my career in the chemical industry, I believe I could make a living as a minstrel again in Key West. The going wage is $50 an hour and a typical set is four hours. The pickers start at noon and somebody's on stage until 4:00 AM. I thought I was better than at least half of the people I saw playing there. Hell, I'm better than 90% of them. I'm pretty wonderful when you get right down to it. If I only had a little humility, I would be perfect.

I put new strings on my Martin today and she sounds good, a lot better than that damned alarm clock is going to sound in the morning. If I threw some stuff in the truck and left right now, I could be there around sunrise. It's a tempting thought.

Just in case you didn't

Just in case you didn't notice from my posts, I am in a foul mood today. The weather accomodates me nicely, because Mother Nature is angry, too. She and I are of the same mind: Dark, dank and dismal, which would make a great name for a team of lawyers, ranking right up there with U. Fuckem and B. Donne.

I'm glad the sun is not shining. It gives me a perfect excuse for not going outside today.

I should have gone to

I should have gone to bed and taken a nap. Instead, I surfed the news and found THIS SCARIFYING STORY. Whore-dog Bill Clinton is busy raking in the dough and attempting to rewrite history at a frenetic pace, which is proper for someone who has a lot of ugly history to rewrite.

Meanwhile, the THE BEAT GOES ON in the Middle East, with more suicide bombings today. Now some jerkwad named Brigadier General Sultan Abdul Aynayn, head of Arafat's Fat-Head movement in Lebanon, is threatening reprisals against both Israel AND THE UNITED STATES if "one single hair" is harmed on Arafat's Fat-Head. How about we leave the hair intact and cut off the bastard's head? You threaten REPRISALS, Sultan Abdul Anus? Come get some, you pompous little shit.

I am sick and tired of these people. Maniacal morons, blovating toads and exploding lackeys. God, what a tribe of pathetic losers. The world will be better off without them.

The sky outside my window

The sky outside my window resembles a giant bruise, with black, yellow and purple colors roiling through it. Thunder and lightening make a glorious noise in the clouds. The rain is falling sideways and I am tempted to stand on my back patio and wave a 1-iron in the air. C'mon, God, show me what you've got! It's Easter Sunday and I'm ready for a sign!

But I won't. I'll do this post and take a nap. It's good sleeping weather.

I stole this and I'm

I stole this and I'm not going to say where I saw it. I'm writing a new book. It's called "Men are from Mars, and Women are Worthless Pieces of Shit." I'm going to dedicate it to my ex-wife.

I just realized that today

I just realized that today is Easter Sunday. One year ago, I was bonding with my family unit by dyeing eggs the night before and hiding them all over the mini-farm this morning. I believe we hid 48 and retrieved 45, so the ants and scavangers enjoyed a good Easter, too. I had a wife, a son, two dogs, two cats, four goats and 28 chickens.

Now my family unit consists of me, myself and I. It's Easter Sunday and I could give a tinker's dam about it.