July 31, 2003

Roscoe Checks Out

Posted by Grouchy Old Cripple

Omigawd! I know what's coming and I'm throbbing (well I'd like to be but I gotta wait until Rob pumps me up) with anticipation. Rob is too. Wait until that sonuvabitch gets back and sees what we've been doing since he's been gone. Jeebus, he may just beat me (and that is bad because ... ?) and abuse me in other ways. I know what Shell is planning and I can hardly (hardly .. get it?) wait. Moooaaannnnnn! This is gonna be great!

Take it away Shell!

CLONING MOE

Acidman kept reminding me of someone, and it finally came to me. Here's Moe Howard in 1973. Consider: zero bullshit threshold, exasperated by the insanity surrounding him, acerbic, lacerating invective, always scores with a woman out of his league. Yep.

Posted by guestblogger "Larry was the REAL genius" KIM

JUST A GUESS

The previews are certainly posers. I'm going to guess Shell's going to give Grouchy Old Cripple a serious hygiene clipping in his nether regions, after his freshly handi-wiped ass gets exfoliated to a lustrous sheen. The Stasi Da Goddess will have him under merciless control with the hemostats in the nostrils. The mirror? I'm going to use it to see if he's still breathing afterwards.

Posted by cautiously optimistic guestblogger Kim

Preview 5

posted by guestblogger shell

Preview 4

posted by guestblogger shell

Preview 3

posted by guestblogger shell shocking

Preview 2

posted by guestblogger shellshocking

Preview 1

posted by guestblogger shellshocking

Since Grouchy Old Cripple dropped hints about tonight's post, I thought I'd give previews throughout the day.

All will be explained in time.

I'm A Hard Headed Woman, But At Least My Chest Is Soft!

I promised Gut Dude I wouldn't post any cute furry, fuzzy cat pictures on his site. I really meant it when I told him I wouldn't.

But, things have changed since then. I'm feeling like a Hard Headed Woman.

I guess he is kinda cute and furry and fuzzy, isn't he? Think Acidman will be pissed?

read more »

July 30, 2003

I Just Got a Postcard!

Dear Goddess,

I sure hope you're behaving yourself on my blog, goddamn it. No pictures of furry little fucking cats, right?

As you can see by the photo on this here card, I'm having a wonderful time.

I dropped the boys off at the racetrack and went out to find me some fun. I couldn't manage to tame Roscoe all that much until I put on my old Hooters uniform. That subdued him just fine.

Make sure you post lots of pornographic, highly objectionable, and completely insulting stuff on my site otherwise I'll hunt you down and spank you!

Love,
Acidman.

PUTTING YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH WAS

I'm starting to get comfy here at the Crackerbox. Obviously. This monk's name was Thich Quang Duc, which loosely translates into English as "I Have Personal Issues, Saigon 1963". Could you do this? WOULD you do this? Tell Acidman what would spur this type of reaction from you. He wants to know, I'm sure.

Posted by, um, guestblogger DENNY! Yeah. He has no respect for bandwidth.

THE BLOAT

What if Acidman was Lileks? Work with me here. Think about the Star Trek episode with the transporter mishap, and Kirk, Bones and Uhura end up in a parallel universe, where a scar-faced Sulu is trying to get jiggy with Uhura. Evil Spock has a goatee and a serious career development problem. So what would a Bloat look like?

Took Mosquito to the Savannah Mall so we could mock the Windows losers obviously out of their league in the Apple Store. Showed her how to get free porn on the game sites. This was my old routine, even though the BC got her ass fired, and that sweet salary went south, along with my easy living. I know the bitch did it on purpose because she's about to leave me for that Phoenician shithead at her office and wants to glom onto MY salary at the divorce. I told Mosquito not to grow up into a twat like that.

I love Crackerwood. It's in a great old neighborhood with fifty thousand steps to the front door and a Giant Speedfreak as a neighbor who drinks my liquor like he owns the Absolut distillery. And Cracker is a great big dog that eats cats, which I like, and leaves huges piles of dung on the floor, which I admire, especially when it has cat bones in it. I had problems with my gimblofizzits on my new Mac laptop, and then the goddammed farfigfuckingnuggen wouldn't work, but you Windows losers wouldn't know shit about that, would you?

I had three articles to do tonight, but I said fuck it and slugged down five glasses of white zin and e-mailed my syndicate a piece of shit article I'd written two years ago about how I found some asshat's matchbook collection and fried every damned one of them trying to get a soaked sinsy bud lit. I've got a file drawer full of shit articles like that for emergency purposes.

Hugh Hewitt mocked me again on his radio show and said my guitar playing sucked, and how I liked Yellow Man, so I went down to the station and beat the pus out of him. Kinda sucks, because that clown was great filler on my Newhouse column. Now I need another hook.

Did I tell you how itsy-witsy cutesy-wutesy Mosquito is? Too bad. I needed a filler line. That hook's wearing thin, too. Think I'll adopt a kid from Cote D'Ivoire. THAT should give me some material. Look at that Gary Coleman and Willis schtick. Dana Plato's STILL in prison, isn't she? Slut.

Gotta run. Three radio interviews, a trip to Potty Barn (upscale toilet training gear), and a run to the drugstore for rubber gloves. Cracker needs a good deworming tomorrow, and I'm going to check his oil while I'm at it. Out.

Posted by guest blogger "I ain't gettin' no Instapundit link" Kim

Roscoe Day 3

Posted by guest blogger Grouchy Old Cripple

Ummmmmm! Shell! That's just the kind of posts that Rob expected. I think he wants us to take this blog right into the sewer so when he comes back he will actually be able to look like he has a lot of class.

read more »

DOWN THE DRAIN

This guest blogging ain't half bad. MY site hits go up even though I haven't been blogging over there while Acidman's going into the Ecosystem shitter. The first day he dropped from Playful Primate to Homunculus. Yesterday he dropped to Extraneous Third Nipple. At this rate he'll return to Planar Wart status.

I blame Grace and Stevie, of course.

Posted by guestblogger Kim, current Ecosystem status: Venereal Drip

Home Remedies

posted by guestblogger shocking shell

Painkillers are not doing squat for this headache. How about some home remedies?

My sister suggests:

* accupressure to the point on the hand between thumb and index finger
* brushing the hair to massage the scalp
* eating hot foods (cayenne, Texas Pete)
* putting a banana peel to the forehead

Got any home remedies to share? The weirder the better, although I doubt anything can top that banana peel one.

My head hurts.

posted by guestblogger shellshocked

Bad. I blame Depo. I just got my shot a little over a week ago, and have had a near continuous headache since then.

I need better birth control.

I demand a Pill for men.

July 29, 2003

Intact

posted by guestblogger shocking shell

This is one of the entries I promised Acidman I would write while he was away.

(Not work safe)

read more »

Crank Up The Bowie Tunes, Grab A Beer, And Shut The Fuck Up

I think anyone without their head up their ass would know that each of us guest bloggers had our instructions about what we should post in Acidman's absence.

For Psychotic Stevie (I don't give a rat's ass about your lame asskissing apology in the comments on another post) and Gorked Grace (who the fuck are you?), I have a little song for you. It goes a little something like this:

All Of You Prudes
Stevie whined all night 'bout how she's a stalker all right
How she'd follow Acidman up and down I-85
He don't wanna go that route with her on I-85

Grace's jealous from afar
Got it in for the bloggin' guest stars
We don't give a shit - we hope she gets SARS
Man that stupid troll is crazy
Saying we're juvenile delinquent wrecks
She'd be pissed as hell if I posted the pics of us having sex
Hey sister you guessed
You're a prude!

CHORUS (twice)
All of you prudes
Fuckin' you LOSE
Boogaloo prudes
You need to get screwed

Now Acidman's looking sweet though he creamin' in his jeans
He's hung like a mule
It's a real mean team
We can love
Oh we can love
And if his buddy's back at home
We'll get it on with all those moans and those groans
We can really ham it up with that pornographic stuff
Acidman's in drag
From too many shags
Well he drunk a lot of wine
And he's feeling fine
Gonna race some pussy to bed
Is this a condom on the ground
Or is it lying on the bed
Oh sister you guessed
You're a fucking prude

You can all kiss my entire ass if you don't like what I post.

read more »

I'm Pissed

Roscoe here. I'm pissed! Get it? I'm pissed! Jesus! Rob just won't leave me alone. Even on vacation. Dammit! He knows better than to get into a pissing contest with me because guess who'll win? After all, I've been pissing all my life.

And to all you people who don't like this stuff, tough! Rob's spent all this time talking about me. It's time I get to spend some time talking about him. Like I said before: "It's not my fault!"

I'm a little let down (Let down. Get it?) About the lack of raunchiness by the ladies. Rob was saying before he left that Shocking Shell and Da Goddess were gonna get down and dirty. Nothing dirty. No boobage. He's gonna get pissed when he gets back and he'll probably take it out on me.