February 28, 2002

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, chapter

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, chapter MMCVIXXIII:

According to a report composted, I mean compiled, by the National Cancer Institute and the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention, "PRELIMINARY research shows that 15,000 cancer deaths in the United States MIGHT have been caused by radioactive fallout from Cold War weapons testing." Of course, the 15,000 dead bodies might not really be 15,000 because "estimates COULD have a CONSIDERABLE margin of error due to UNCERTAINTIES in the research." Those weasel words didn't stop every anti-nuke activist group in the country from crawling out of their fallout shelters to proclaim the report as gospel truth and blame the government for covering up these horrible findings.

I'll admit that the finding are pretty horrible. They were extrapolated from a computer model and correlated through a formula and then masturbated, masticated and manipulated until they proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt that "a single radionuclide, which is a by-product of above ground testing, was tied to between 11,000 and 212,000 cases of thyroid cancer." Tied by a very thin string of snot, evidently, because that number stretches a long way.

But it must be true because the computer models show that radiation from bomb tests spread so far and wide that "no US resident born after 1951 escaped some exposure." I was born in 1952. THAT EXPLAINS IT! THAT"S why I developed prostate cancer when I was 49. Heredity and an unlucky draw from the deck of genes my parents offered me had nothing to do with it. Radiation from atomic bombs gave me cancer. I AM A VICTIM! I WANT MONEY!

That's why I skimmed over the activist's bombast about dead children and the massacre of more Americans and rampant cancer epidemics if nuclear weapons testing ever resumes. "Compensation may be an issue down the line," was all I wanted to hear. And I want to be first in that line with both hands outstretched. The government exploded nuclear bombs in Nevada while I was growing up in Georgia and I got cancer. If that's not an obvious cause-and-effect, I don't know what is. Just read the report. Science is on my side.

I want the government to PAY for what it did to me. I want the government to pay me A LOT. I want to be rich beyond my wildest dreams and fill my bathtub full of $100 bills and lay naked in it. I want a check with at least SIX ZEROES following a THREE DIGIT NUMBER. THAT'S WHAT I WANT!

Of course, the most important role my check will play is to save the world from from nuclear weapons. That's what I really care about.

I find a lot of

I find a lot of amusing material in various blogs, but few make me laugh out loud. Stephanie Dupont DOES in this one, and it's not even HER blogsite. She is a mere gopher, simply occupying the site while the Tall Dog is in London get