Gut Rumbles

June 07, 2011

I'm going to bed

Originally published September 28, 2003

We had a pie-fight today. I told the boys last night that we would do it, so we went to the grocery store this morning and bought a lot of whipped cream, paper plates and ice-cream toppings. It was really good Three-Stooges fun at first. I gave Quinton one square in the face, and while I was laughing about that, Jack nailed me right in the ear. I picked up another pie and hit Jack in the back of the head with it. We were running around the yard having a fine old time.

Unfortunately, Jack's sisters saw all the commotion the yard and wanted to get involved, too. They came over. That was a mistake. Kiley went after Jack with a pie and Jack RAN INTO MY HOUSE, that little shit. Do you think Kiley stopped at the front door? NO, SHE DID NOT!!! She ran inside, threw a pie at Jack, missed HIM and HIT MY GODDAM TV! I had whipped cream and strawberry topping EVERYWHERE.

That put an end to the pie-fight. I wanted to strangle Jack and kill Kiley. I sent her home and asked Jack to explain just what in the world he was thinking when he RAN INTO MY HOUSE to escape being hit by a pie.

"I don't know, Mr. Rob."

"Well, here's what I know, Mr. Jack. You're gonna clean that mess up because it wouldn't be there except for you. Grab that towel over there and get busy."

"But, Mr. Rob, Kiley threw the pie."

"Jack, you want your butt torn up? Don't back-sass me. You know good and well that the pie-fight was supposed to be OUTSIDE. YOU ran INSIDE. I don't care who threw the pie. YOU broke the rules. Now, shut your yap and clean up this mess." I was pissed.

He did, although I had to go behind him and get what he missed. I love the boy like a son, but damn if he doesn't nut up and go fool on me sometimes. I don't believe that he deals with a firm hand in his everyday life to keep him from going astray. He needs one. I'm closer to him than his daddy is, and that's a crying shame.

Jack's a good boy. He means well. Usually, he is well-behaved and mannerly.

But he can cock his head sideways for one second and his brain rolls right out of his ear.

How do you fix that?

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