December 03, 2009
Originally published August 23, 2004
No links to the stories (I'm just too lazy today). Some of them are fairly old and the links might not work anymore, but I saved them for some reason.
* I could not escape from a burning apartment and leave my children behind while I got away. I couldn't do that. Either they get out with me, or we all die together. I wouldn't run off and leave them even if my hair was on fire.
* If I were a cop and I ever got a call telling me to go hunt for a severed penis on the side of the road, I'd say...."yeah....right. Bet your ass I'm on that one." And I would go straight to Kryspy Creme to eat doughnuts and drink coffee until somebody ELSE found that dick.
* I hope that my son is never killed in the middle of an armed robbery while HE is committing the robbery. But if that ever happens, I don't intend to sue anybody. I'll bury my boy and wonder where I went wrong.
* I want to see ONE, just ONE DEATH CERTIFICATE that says the corpse died from second-hand smoke, global warming, toxic waste or radiation from nuke plants in this country. I don't ever expect to SEE ONE, but I expect fear-mongers to prosper for years scaring people over nothing.
* Erin Brockovitch is a whore.
* Salt is good for you. No, it's bad for you. Eat fiber. Binge on carbs. No, eat the Atkins diet. The Atkins diet will kill you. Not eating the Atkins diet will kill you, too. Got-dam!!! We're ALL gonna die from something and I intend to eat what the hell I WANT until I start pushing up daisies.
This is where my mind goes when I watch The Price is Right and make a better bid on the showcase than the winner did.
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