Gut Rumbles

July 30, 2009

southern livin'

Originally PUBLISHED May 16, 2006

Jeff Foxworthy has made a career out of red-neck jokes, but I don't believe that HE can hang with ME. He may make more money than I do, but I've got better credentials than he does.

*I HAVE lived in a mobile home, when I was in college.

*I DID drink Busch Bavarian Beer when it came in 14-ounce cans.

*I DROVE a Volkswagon Beetle.

*I WAS semi-arrested for pissing alongside Highway 80 at Savannah Beach one fateful night. I was cuffed and put in the back seat of a squad car, but I gave the officer $20 and he let me go.

*I HAVE been shot at, by a farmer. The bastid HIT ME with rocksalt, too. (I was "courting" his daughter at the time.)

*I LIKE vienna sausages right out of the can, with saltine crackers to disguise the taste.

*I've BEEN hungry enough to eat cold pork & beans, WITHOUT using a fork or a spoon. I drank the juice out of the can, too.

*I HAVE shit my pants. More than ONCE.

*I SWALLOWED illicit drugs without knowing what they were. I just figured that I would find out after about 30 minutes. I DID, too.

*I once received a CERTIFIED LETTER in the mail that named ME as the father of an illegitimate child, and I had NO recollection of EVER meeting the "mother." I threw the letter away and never heard a peep about it again.

*I KNOW what a "zilch" is. Do YOU? (It AIN'T a zero.)

*I ONCE played guitar in three different states on three different stages on three different days, all back-to-back. I took my dog with me on that road trip and I did it in a 1974 Chevy Vega.

*I got LAID on that trip by a woman in Ohio who thought my dog was "cute." I guess I musta been okay, too.

*More than ONCE, I've awakened not knowing where I was or how I got there.

*I EAT raw oysters, but I don't like sushi.

*I SNORE when I sleep on my back and the noise wakes me up sometimes. That's disconcerting when I don't know where I am or how I got there, especially when my mouth tastes like I've been eating sushi.

*I DO NOT have to make ANY of this shit up.

I've lived an interesting life.

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