Gut Rumbles

May 19, 2008

southern injuries

Originally PUBLISHED August 13, 2005

I don't know if people outside the South experience things I did when I was a boy. I learned a lot of lessons the hard way about this shit.
1) Sand spurs. Those nasty bastards grow in BUSHELS around the beach and any kind of sandy soil. Step in a patch of them barefoot, and you WILL regret the experience.

2) "Seven Year Itch." That's a stinging nettle that grows around here and it'll go right through a pair of Levis. That sumbitch burns, itches and will cause you to break out in a bright red rash. It's like a jellyfish sting that comes from a plant.

3) Poison ivy. Any kid past the age of six should learn to recognize and STAY AWAY from that venemous plant. That sumbitch will make you wish you were never born if you get it all over you. That's nasty stuff.

4) Hornet's nests. They hang from trees and I've seen some as big as a watermelon. They usually have one sentry on patrol outside, circling around the hole at the bottom of the nest. DO NOT hit a hornet's nest with a stick or a rock. You may think you can run fast, but you ain't gonna outrun angry hornets when you piss them off. They'll tear your ass up.

5) Rock salt. A lot of farmers keep shotguns loaded with that stuff to run varmits away and keep horny boys such as I once was away from their daughters. Get shot with a dose of that and it won't kill you. But your ass will burn for a week.

I could go on, but I'm hungry now. I want to eat something that's BAD for me.

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