Gut Rumbles

April 02, 2008

My stages of anger

Originally published August 2, 2003

I am a tempermental guy. I often express my emotions quite openly and I sometimes shock the shit out of people when I do that. They don't understand my stages of anger. Let me explain the progression.

Phase #1: You may do or say something that Ticks Me Off. Getting ME ticked off can be triggered by one word, but ticked-offedness generally goes away quickly if the asswipe who ticked me off just shuts the fuck up after ticking me off. But lots of asswipes don't, so I go to...

Phase #2: You are beginning to ANNOY ME. I become unpleasant when I am annoyed. At that point, I usually suggest that the asswipe shut the fuck up because it's obvious that the pinhead won't unless he/she gets some immediate, good advice. I give that advice.

Phase #3: I'm getting PISSED. Your blithering assholery is getting on my nerves and it's obvious that you don't know what an incredible asshole you really are. At this point, I tell you. And I suggest that you shut the fuck up. Some people don't.

Phase #4: Now you've made me GODDAM MAD!!!. That's the point where I pull up the leg of my blue jeans and show you the .38 revolver in the ankle holster and tell you that I DO NOT have a permit to carry that thing. I carry it anyway because I don't believe that I need a goddam PERMIT from the fucking GOVERNMENT to do ANYTHING. I am crazy that way. Now, would you like to shut the fuck up?

Phase #5: I become ENRAGED. Usually a 911 call is involved after that, but sometimes the sight of pulsating veins in my forehead, crazy eyes and a pistol in my hand is enough to finally make an asswipe shut the fuck up. At that point, I don't care which way it goes. I am ready to start the ball.

I've never reached Phase #6.

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