Gut Rumbles

February 22, 2008

Passionate questions

Originally published July 7, 2003

I've noticed that a LOT of my readers consider Thomas Jefferson to be their hero. I was the only one to name Johnny Unitas.

LOTS of people can drive a stick shift. That's a good thing. SOME PEOPLE went really fast in a car doing evil, sexual things. Some people slept through the exerience. I've got some strange readers.

About 50% of respondents admit to shitting their pants. The other 50% lied about it.

Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter are OVERWHELMING favorites for shitty Presidents. FDR appears frequently on BOTH SIDES of the equation. I am disappointed that more people didn't mention LBJ, who was the shittiest President of MY LIFETIME. Carter was a little man in a big job, Clinton was a whore-dog who used the office to get pussy, but LBJ intended to out-FDR FDR.

The goddam socialist, big-eared bastard gave us almost everything we have today that is destroying this once-great country. "Great Society," my ass. Socialist utopia was more like it. Now we don't have a politician on either side of the aisle who doesn't believe that providing manna from heaven is the GOVERNMENT'S JOB.

If we keep electing people who think that way, we are sunk, people.

Not enough people claimed Teddy Roosevelt as a great man.

My favorite answer for the most disgusting thing you ever ate is a tie between Sugarmama's nasty-tasting ex-boyfriend and the worm at the bottom of a bottle of Mezcal. I have eaten one of the two. Hint: IT WASN"T Sugarmama's ex-boyfriend, although thinking back on that experience, he might have tasted slightly better. That was worse than the shit I ate at the Greek wedding. I didn't remember it until someone else dragged that kicking, screaming, puke-drenched memory back to my recollection.

Ronald Reagan fares well in the poll, and I am delighted to see that fact. I believe that he just may go down in history as the greatest President of my lifetime. I always liked the Gipper. He knew what he believed and stuck to the basics. Not many politicians do that anymore.

Less than 20% of the wimmen who answered the poll enjoyed losing their virginity. 80% of the men did. Now, the wimmen fuck like wild dogs and have multiple orgasms. They are almost PREDATORY in their sexual appetites. The men are reading that crap and trying to hook up with the seasoned wimmen, while asking me if they can have my leftover Viagra.

Is life ridiculous, or what?

Yes, it is ridiculous. Guys, I've got first dibs on any woman who wants to try out my pump, and it's first come, first served on the Viagra. I don't need that stuff anymore. I'll throw the pills on the floor and y'all can fight over 'em.

Know what? I am very happy tonight. Men who have the pump (and their wimmen) tell me that it's even better than the real thing. The doc said that I'll probably lose some length from the original, but I'll gain some girth. Hell, I've got length to spare. I always said when Roscoe was working right that I'd be in porno movies if I just had some width to go with the rest.

But the main thing is, no more needles. No more walking down the street and seeing a woman I want to talk to and NOT DOING IT because I don't have my kit with me JUST IN CASE something good happens. No more trying to explain to a woman that I've got all hot and bothered that I can't function. No more saying that I can oral her, but I can't mount her. No more of this prison that I've lived in for almost two years.

Enough is enough. It'll be over soon.

And I can't wait.

Originally published July 7, 2003

I just opened my email and found 46 new responses to my 25 Questions! Goddam!

I can't read them all tonight. I have work tomorrow, lab work to undergo at 9:30, then brief blogging before surgery on Wednesday. But I'll get to every one before I close the contest. I promise.

Thank you, people!

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