Gut Rumbles

January 26, 2008

Female bloggers

Originally published June 15, 2003

I never liked going to my ex-mother-in-law's house.

After my ex-father-in-law died, she turned that house into a museum piece, meant to marvel at and not to live in. It was lacy and feminine and spotless, with one of those fluffy toilet seat covers in the hall bathroom that prevented the lid from standing up by itself. I had to piss two-handed, with one hand on my Roscoe and one hand holding up the commode lid the few times I didn't say "fuck it" and piss in the azalea bushes outside.

I hated that house. I was afraid to fart in there, for fear that a china cabinet full of never-used dishes (they were to look at, not eat off of) would fall on me and crush my skull. It was just too... PRETTY! It gave me the creeps.

I see a lot of blog sites that give me the same feeling. You know what? THEY ARE ALL RUN BY WIMMEN! Bells, whistles, skins and silky curtains on every window, plus toilet seat covers that don't allow the lid to stand up on its own seem to be hallmarks of a female blog. THEY have cabinets full of nice china that are there to LOOK AT, not eat off of.

I am a steak and potatoes kind of guy. I like to keep things simple. I don't have a damn thing in my house that exists just to look pretty. As a matter of fact, I have a lot of things in my house that DON'T look pretty. Just enter my kitchen and you'll see what I mean.

Some blogs run by wimmen are just too pretty to read. I recognize all the time and effort that went into the design, which changes about once every week, because they never finish redecorating, and I realize that content is a secondary concern when you run a "pretty" blog.

When I find those places, I go outside to piss in the azalea bushes the way I did at my ex-mother-in-law's. Then, I sit on the grass, smoke a cigarette and pet the dog that's not allowed in the house.

I don't belong in there, either.

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