Gut Rumbles

November 29, 2007


Originally PUBLISHED April 13,2005

I love living in the South. Don't EVER get me wrong about that fact. The weather is usually great, I seldom see snow or ice where I live, and I have played golf on Christmas Eve in a short-sleeved shirt a couple of times. I like the sun and the hot weather, even in the summer when everything bakes.

But southeast Georgia has three things that can be a real pain in the ass.

#1-- Sand Gnats. I don't have them where I live now, but those flying teeth are EVERYWHERE around the coast this time of year. They will eat you alive, from early morning until around noon (when they take a break to digest) and then again from around 4:00 in the evening until nightfall. They come in swarms so thick that you can inhale a mouthfull by accident. Their bites feel like a needle prick and they make you itch like hell. The only thing that I've ever found that will keep them offa you is Avon "Skin So Soft," and you'd better make sure you don't miss a spot when you apply the lotion. I hate those bastards.

#2-- Mosquitoes. We grow 'em here the size of B-52 bombers and they can draw a pint of blood out of you with one good bite. They don't care what time of day it is, either. They attack 24-7. They can bite right through a flannel shirt or a pair of Levi jeans. When somebody tells you that burning a cintranel (I ain't sure about the spelling here, but stores everywhere sell them) candle keeps them away, just laugh right in that person's face. That crap doesn't work. NOTHING DOES, unless you coat yourself with enough Deet to kill a moose. Even then, you're probably going to be eaten by a clever Georgia mosquito. I hate those bastards, too.

#3-- Chiggers. Some people call them "red bugs" and they are tiny parasites that live in the woods and LOVE to burrow under your skin to feast. I've been covered with those little shits before, and they'll raise an itching welt the size of a quarter when they hit. And they like warm, moist places, so they go for your armpits, your crotch and other such embarrassing areas that you don't want to scratch in public. I once went camping with a couple of friends and we forgot to bring any toilet paper. Gary took a dump and wiped his ass with Spanish Moss. Big mistake. Chiggers LOVE Spanish Moss almost as much as they like infesting your asshole if you are dumb enough to give them a chance to get there. Gary was not a well boy for a week or so after that episode.

Fingernail polish is the only way to get rid of them. That's only AFTER you've been hit. The blood-sucking bastard burrows under your skin, but if you paint the welt he creates with nail polish, you cut off his oxygen supply and smother him to death. That takes a couple of days to work and you suffer in the meantime.

Those are three of the joys about living Down South.

But I have another question. I don't know what the plant is called for real (I always called them "tick bushes"). It's a bushy plant that grows about waist-high to me and it is CRAWLING with ticks. If you brush up against one in the woods, you'll end up with 50 or 60 ticks on you. I learned to avoid them a long time ago, but dogs never learn.

I've spent damn near an hour burning ticks off my dog after a romp in the woods when he ran across one or more of those bushes. The damned things look almost like a huckleberry bush, but they aren't huckleberrys. Ticks aren't unique to the South, but those bushes may be.

Anybody know what I'm talking about?


Pickin' a little on the guitar today, and for no particular reason, thought of the Acidman and played "Dixie". Hope he wasn't offended, I clunked it a little.

Then came over for a read and a reflection.

Good times, gone.

Posted by: Henry Blowfly on November 29, 2007 07:24 AM

I'm sure he wasn't offended at all, Henry...

Posted by: Stevie on November 30, 2007 03:50 AM
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