Gut Rumbles

October 03, 2007

Sunday stumpers on a wednesday

Originally published July 21, 2002

1) You know about a company on the brink of a major advancement. This will make you a killing on the stock market. Do you use the knowledge to your advantage?
You're damned right I do. Insider trading may be against the law, but true insiders do it all the time. The stock market has taken my 401-K and reduced it to a 102-F over the past couple of years, so IT OWES ME! Yeah, I would cash in on my knowledge. It wouldn't violate my personal code of ethics at all.

2) Your best friend is about to make a major mistake. He/she is going to marry/commit to a very unsavory person. Do you say something?
I've done it before and I would do it again. The friend never listens, but it gives me the chance to say, "I TOLD you so" later. I wish only to have a chance to do what Larry did after he had sex with his best friend's fiancee. He told the friend about it, and when the friend became very angry, Larry said, "I did it as a favor to YOU. You don't want to marry that slut. If she'll screw ME, she'll screw ANYBODY!" The wedding never happened, because the friend realized that NOBODY should EVER marry a woman who would screw Larry.

3) Kissinger, Abe Vigoda, Jennifer Connelly....who needs their eyebrows tweezed more?
Jesus... probably ME as I grow older. I'm gonna need my goddam EARS tweezed before long. Why is it that a man loses hair where he wants it and grows hair where he doesn't as he ages? It's a cosmic design flaw, and that's one of the reasons that I'm a athiest.

4) Gay Marriage - legal or not?
HELL NO! I have nothing against gay people. (In fact, given my track record with women, I'm giving serious consideration to going gay. I just haven't been able to convince myself yet that some guy's hairy butt is more attractive to me than Cindy Crawford's beautiful ass. Once I overcome that one small obstacle, I'm out of the closet in a flash.) I simply believe that the "Gay Marriage" concept is a slippery slope that is bound to lead to insane mutations later. Besides, what's the fucking point, really?

5) Your pet is old and feeble. The best friend you've had in your entire life is in pain. Do you euthanize?
I've done that. It broke my heart, but it was an act of love. I stopped the pain. I only hope that someone will show me that sort of kindness and mercy if I ever lose my acceptable quality of life and suffer every day. In many ways, we are kinder to our dumb animals than we are to our fellow human beings.

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