Gut Rumbles

April 24, 2007

Fevered dreams

Originally published December 3, 2004

Okay, he has a cold. Big fucking deal. I think I caught one on my various airplane rides yesterday and I am a walking bag of cloggy snot today. It's just a good thing that I managed to smuggle all of that dope out of Costa Rica to ease my misery.

I decided to make a medicinal soup out of the dead hooker's head.

Jim lists 20 things that he WANTS to do before he dies. A bad cold will make you go existential and start thinking about death, but I prefer to go the OTHER WAY when I'm feeling badly. Here are 20 things that I HAVE DONE, and I hope to do again some day:

1) I kissed Donna Douglas (Ellie Mae Clampett).

2) I finished writing a novel. The book sucked, but at least I finished it.

3) I've pegged the speedometer on three different vehicles I owned.

4) I survived a terrible car wreck with only a concussion and a cut on my nose to show for it. We totalled a brand-new Chrystler LeBaron in a high-speed T-bone crash. Wow! How the driver and I both walked away from that wreck with only minor injuries is still amazing to me. I've believed in the value of seat belts ever since.

5) I've seen a lot of my writing published.

6) I once fought the baddest ass in school when I was in 10th grade. I got in one good lick and knocked out his two front teeth before he beat the shit out of me in that fight. I did the right thing that day. I never had to fight him again. In fact, I never had to fight ANYBODY for a couple of years after that incident.

7) I've made love slept with more than 100 wimmen in my life.

8) My friends don't know, but the three of us were invited to a fraternity party when we started college. The brothers had beer, a stripper and lots of good party atmosphere at their place. During the evening, I was dragged aside and told, "We want YOU in the fraternity. But your friends... well, they just aren't Pike material." I told that bastard that I pick my own friends. If THEY weren't good enough for the stupid club, then neither was I. I left that night telling both of my friends that WE didn't make the cut.

9) I've been to several nudist resorts. I like walking around with no clothes on.

10) I kissed Barbra Eden, too. (I dream of Jeanie)

11) I've played guitar with John Prine, Davis Causey, Mike Cross and The Zombies. I also jammed with Gove Scrivenor and Gamble Rogers. I am proud of that.

12) I've had sex with two wimmen at one time. Several times.

13) I once left Atlanta headed for Athens and I ended up in Chatanooga with $5 in my pocket and almost no gas in my car. I ended up staying three days in Chatanooga. I make friends easily.

14) I shook Jimmy Carter's hand when he was President of the United States. I never voted for the grinning bastard, but I think shaking a President's hand is a memorable experience.

15) I survived the same cancer that killed my best friend and my father.

16) I started blogging. I've made both enemies and friends from my blog, and I like the friends enough to tolerate the enemies. I don't really give a shit whether you like me or not.

17) I was voted "Most Talented Boy" in my high-school graduation class. 400 people, but they knew talent when they saw it.

18) I have NEVER done something for money that I didn't believe in doing anyway.

19) I have a large and powerful ego. That's not a character flaw---that's an asset. You've gotta have a cast-iron ass to do some of the things I've done in my life. I wouldn't have it otherwise. If I piss people off along the way, so be it. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

20) My autobiography would be a fascinating read.

That's MY 20 things to think about today.

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