Gut Rumbles

March 18, 2007

An Army of one

Originally published April 29, 2005

I agree with this post. How can we maintain an army if we aren't "sensitive?"

I want to suggest a few more good ideas.

*If a seargent ever screams "TAKE THAT HILL!!!" a mandatory time-out is required so that recruits can debate the worth of actually taking that hill. If they decide by majority vote that they don't want to take that hill, the mission is cancelled. After all, we live in a democracy.

* Assault weapons are dangerous. We have no business giving those things to soldiers. Somebody could get hurt. Recruits will practice with broomsticks and learn to shout "BOOM! BOOM! really loud when they pretend to fire.

* All soldiers will be trained mercilessly in how to separate recyclables from regular garbage. After all, they have a responsibility to save the planet, too.

* If the temperature is more than 80 degrees outside, everybody stays in the barracks. Do you know how many people die from skin cancer every year?

* All troops must undergo "sensitivity training." We require our troops to be sensitive, embrace diversity and worry a lot about offending anyone else.

* The names Chesty Puller, George Patton, Audie Murphy and Alvin York will NEVER be mentioned again. To do so is a court-martial offense. When we refer to military heroes, we will speak of Ted Kennedy, Barbra Striesand, Jane Fonda and Alec Baldwin.

* Our new military will be built on the French Model. They proved a long time ago that you can get your ass whipped in a war and still be snotty.

* NOBODY ever gets called a "pussy." If one person can't do it, then the training must be too dificult and we need to tone it down. Do you realize the self-esteem issues here? We don't want anyone to fail. We want happy soldiers.

* Read my edicts and obey. I'll show all those people who said a woman couldn't be Secretary of Defense.

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