Gut Rumbles

February 21, 2007

A science lesson

Originally published February 16, 2005

From my brother:


A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of
the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has
been tentatively named "Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron, 12
assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.

However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it
comes in contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to
take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming "isodopes"
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity
in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

You will know it when you see it. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium
becomes "Administratium" -- an element which radiates just as much energy
since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

(Ain't it the truth!)

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