Gut Rumbles

May 14, 2006


I just suffered another episode of Tourette's Syndrome in my kitchen. It was horrible.

My trash can was full, so I removed the garbage bag, twist-tied it shut, and reached in the cabinet below my kitchen sink for a fresh bag. I got the bag all right, but it came with more than I bargained for.

A GODDAMFUCKINGBASTARDSHITASSOHMYGAWDSUMBITCH palmetto bug was clinging to the empty bag, and when I fluffed the plastic before sticking it in my garbage can, the nasty fucker RAN UP MY ARM and disappeared INSIDE MY TEE SHIRT!!!

Incredible hilarity ensued...

I forgot all about the pain in my shoulders. I forgot all about my dignity and my self-respect. I screamed like a girl and performed a crazed St. Vitus dance on my kitchen floor as I ripped off my shirt and shook that disgusting roach out. HOLYFUCKMEDEADIMGONNADIEYOUSHITASS!!!! The bastard took wing on me and FLEW RIGHT INTO MY FACE!!!


Even MORE incredible hilarity ensued...

I finally knocked him down and stomped the creature into a soggy mess on my kitchen floor. I then had to grab a paper towel and scrape the bug-guts offa my bare foot. It was a life-and-death struggle for a moment, but I prevailed, if you call "Dancing With Cockroaches At 5:00 AM" any kind of victory. Bejus! What a way to greet the day.

If you live where Palmetto Bugs do not thrive, let me enlighten you about those critters. They are OHSHITOHSHITOHSHITFUCKFUCKFUCK NASTY. They look like cigar butts with legs, they can fly and they make a sound similar to a ladyfinger firecracker exploding when you stomp on them. They are packed with multi-colored guts that stick to your bare foot, too. And they WILL crawl right inside your tee shirt if they get the chance.

Man. I did NOT need that kind of shit to start my day... If it goes downhill from HERE, it's gonna be a real pisser.


I'm sorry but that IS some funny shit Rob...

Posted by: Lisa on May 14, 2006 10:18 AM

hysterical telling!......... living in Florida, I can relate sooooo well.

Posted by: Jean on May 14, 2006 10:28 AM

Coming soon to a TV network near you: Acidman Fear Factor!
Featuring nothing but stunts with bugs. And sometimes a snake trick ot two.

Posted by: BlogDog on May 14, 2006 10:52 AM

Bwahahahaha! Thanks for thehysterical visual image. I was first introduced to Palmetto Bugs when I visited famiyl in Florida. I will never forgot walking into their all-white kitchen and, upon flicking on the overhead light, seeing the biggest freakin' bug I had ever seen. :::shudder::: I know I screamed pretty loud too!

Posted by: Kate on May 14, 2006 11:11 AM

Rob, that story skeeves me big time.

Sweet tea, collards, and corn bread are cool...

But Palmetto bugs...Now, that's one thing I don't like 'bout the South : )

Posted by: schaffman on May 14, 2006 11:15 AM

My 4 year old wants to know why I'm crying right now.

That's priceless, Rob. Thanks.

Posted by: Patrick on May 14, 2006 11:20 AM

Oh man I wish I had a video of that! Hahaha!

Posted by: livey on May 14, 2006 11:28 AM

I need to resurrect Carnival of the Cockroaches - just so's I can post a link to this story.

Posted by: Elisson on May 14, 2006 11:42 AM

Conversation between my wife and myself:

ME: He posted a 5:55 -- must've taken him that long to scrape the bug off his foot and get a few drinks inside him.

SHE: Wait! He's on the wagon!

ME: Uh... orange juice! Orange Juice!

SHE: Or he took a long hot shower.

Posted by: Strider on May 14, 2006 02:09 PM

That had me laughing.... your pain gave us joy, if that means anything!
Strider summed it up, too. Funny!

Posted by: Vermont Neighbor on May 14, 2006 02:23 PM

Don't Palmetto bugs drive V Ws?

Posted by: vicki on May 14, 2006 03:16 PM


Yes they are some ugly, nasty, bastards.

Whenever my sister comes to Florida to visit, she brings a can of RAID with her...they laugh at that shit.

Posted by: Mrite on May 14, 2006 04:56 PM

Palmetto bugs in South Georgia SNORT Raid. THEN they crawl inside your tee shirt.

If THAT ain't a bitch, I don't know what is...

Posted by: Acidman on May 14, 2006 07:50 PM

That has to be the funniest post I've read in ages. Still laughing. In Texas, we put saddles on those bugs. They're bigger here...everything is.

Posted by: Tessa on May 14, 2006 07:59 PM

Oh man, I had an encounter with a mutant wasp today, got video of it too, which I thoughtfully uploaded. This thing would show up on the gotdam radar.

Must be the global warming.

Posted by: Roy on May 14, 2006 08:48 PM

okay, f'sure if that ever happened to me, i'd probably just drop dead of a massive f*cking heart attack.

Posted by: erica on May 15, 2006 08:57 AM

Remember, long after the last airburst turns the planet into a green glass marble, there will only be two living things left - plametto bugs and divorce lawers, because neither is really an animate object.

Posted by: maggot on May 15, 2006 11:37 AM

A "real" Southerner is someone (of either sex) who will stomp a palmetto bug bare-foot...

Posted by: emdfl on May 15, 2006 08:08 PM

I have a house in a poor (slum) area in Luzon. Late at night I surprised a chubby toad crawling into a hole. No Ipis (Tagalog for Big cockroach). I'm guessing toad eats them. Toads may be ugly, but way preferable to Ipis. Lotsa of Ipis in the more middle class place we used to rent. There are very similar "skateboard" cockroaches in Sydney, NSW

Posted by: gbruno on May 17, 2006 03:15 AM
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