Gut Rumbles

April 22, 2006

quote of the day

"Show me a man who has never been whacked so hard in the nads he has not wanted to die, and perhaps even vomited, and I will show you a man whose testicles have never descended."--- bane

If you read about how testicles function, you'll learn quickly why they hang outside the body the way they do. Temperature control is very important to testicles, which is why they shrink up into a tight wad in cold weather and damn near drag the ground when they get hot.

That's a fucking design flaw in the male body. Testicles should come in their own temperature-controlled package (excuse the pun) somewhere INSIDE the body for protection. Dangling loose where they are now simply makes them an inviting target of opportunity when someone really wants to get your attention.

I know. I've been whacked in the balls more times than I can remember, and I've done the grunting, incoherent pig-wallow on the ground, too, where I curled in a fetal position cupping (another pun) my injury in my hands while I prayed for death. I never puked from it, but I came close a few times.

Ladies, you'll never know such exquisite agony, but I wouldn't lie to you about something so important. A knock in the nuts is extremely painful. If pain came in colors, a jewel-jolt would be deep purple with black edges and green highlights scattered throughout. I think I've SEEN those colors behind tightly closed eyes as I did the grunting pig-wallow on the ground.

But I suppose that things could be worse. The brilliant engineer who put testicles where they are COULD have decided to mount them on men's foreheads. Man, THAT'S a terrible idea. Just think of it, guys.

On hot days, you might hurt yourself every time you blinked your eyes.


Yeah, this is how we know that God is male. If God were female, we'd all be walking around with our dicks on our chins.

Posted by: Richthofen on April 22, 2006 03:58 PM

that would be a problem, Richthofen???

Posted by: Jean on April 23, 2006 10:05 AM

I am beginning to think that about half of American--the left wing half as well as the gotdam RINOs don't have any balls to kick.

Posted by: GUYK on April 23, 2006 11:39 AM

This reminds me of a WW I marching song:

Do Your Balls Hang Low?

I can't find the book right now, and all I remember is the last line:

Can you throw them over your shoulder
Like a God D* F* soldier?
Do your balls hang low?

I'll keep looking.

*Odd how some expressions never go out of style.

Posted by: joel on April 23, 2006 09:20 PM

Here's the way I learned it:

Do your balls hang low?
Do they wobble to-and-fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder
like a continental soldier?
Do your balls hang low?

Posted by: Scott on April 24, 2006 10:31 AM
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