Gut Rumbles

April 09, 2006

surprise! surprise!

We must be running out of things to do "scientific" studies about. here is one that blows the mind so much that the headline calls it "alarming."

Young men who are good-looking and know it are more likely to engage in risky sex than guys who have a less positive body image, according to a new study from researchers at Pennsylvania State University.

Bejus! That's a real eye-opener, isn't it? I haven't cracked a book, interviewed anybody or accepted a dime in federal grant money, but I have a few scientific conclusions of my own that I wish to announce. I'm sorry if my findings stun you, but science can be surprising sometimes.

* Fat, ugly guys get less pussy than good-looking men!!!! Yep. If you're a guy, you're more likely to get laid if you look like Adonis than you are if you resemble the Elephant Man. I can't explain the reason, which is why I need a LOT more federal grant money to conduct further research. And to pay plastic surgeons to make me look more like Adonis than the Elephant Man.

* Guys with lots of money get laid more frequently than unwashed homeless men do!!! Sad, but true. Cash attracts wimmen while rotten teeth, powerful body odor and dirty fingernails don't. It's the truth: money may not buy love, but you CAN use it to surround yourself with sexy, willing wimmen.

* Ugly people tend to have sex with other ugly people!! The fact has nothing to do with shared similarities, other than hideous looks. Ugly people fuck other ugly people because that's all they can get.

*Guys frequently give pet names to their dicks!!! (Ladies... meet Roscoe...) Wimmen don't do that. Or if they do, I never found any in MY scientific research. They may call their bearded clam a "coochie," a "thingy" or something equally as cute, but they don't bestow actual names on their nethers. Of course, I'm not sure how I would react to a woman who said, "Rob... meet BONE CRUSHER."

*Every guy is hung like a horse and can hump like John Henry drivin' steel! If you don't believe me, just ask THEM. You NEVER hear a guy admit, "I have a two-inch dick and I spurt on my second stroke." Nope. They all claim to be built like tripods and they swear that they are so adroit at ravishing that they can make a woman cum so intensely that she passes out and pisses the bed every time. Guys wouldn't lie about such a thing.

I need to publish these findings. Enquiring minds want to know.


I don't think guys with lots of money and a filthy homeless person are fair enough comparisons. Not ALL women care about a mans money. I, for one, would rather have a poor man who is capable of loving me the way I should be loved, than a man who thinks I'm only happy with his money. I can't be the only one.

Posted by: livey on April 9, 2006 10:40 AM

Bullshit, Livey. I never say ALL wimmen about anything--- I just look at the VAST MAJORITY. Divorce court and prostitution BOTH prove YOU wrong.

Posted by: Acidman on April 9, 2006 10:56 AM

I refuse to believe that even the VAST MAJORITY of women are like that!

Posted by: livey on April 9, 2006 11:14 AM

Besides which, Livey dear, we know that you have the physical strength to take said smelly homeless guy and give him a GI shower whether he wants to bathe or not.

Sorry, antique language definition: a GI shower is when barracks-mates of the soldier who refused to keep clean would take heavy-duty laundry brushes, and laundry soap, strip the offending trooper and get in the shower with him and scrub him until he shined, literally. If he resisted this treatment, more soldiers were added to the scrubbing party until resistance was overcome.

If the offender's behavior wasn't corrected by the GI shower, the next step might have been a Blanket Party, but that's a definition for another day.

Posted by: Rivrdog on April 9, 2006 11:33 AM

... I met a "Bone Crusher" once in Pensacola...

Posted by: Eric on April 9, 2006 12:44 PM

Actually, I think the term (coined by Frank Zappa no less) is Jones Crusher.

Posted by: Richthofen on April 9, 2006 12:48 PM

As a fat ugly guy, I can confirm the study's startling conclusion.

Posted by: Steve H. on April 9, 2006 12:49 PM

no shit! we must do more research, this is important work you've started.

Posted by: shoe on April 9, 2006 01:19 PM

* Ugly people tend to have sex with other ugly people!!

Now this I don't know about. I have seen some foxes with some dudes that had looks that would knock a maggot off a gut wagon. Always made me wonder if they had a tongue like a frog's and maybe split at the end.

Posted by: GUYK on April 9, 2006 01:29 PM

This post just made me laugh hideously. I love it. Would it be derivative if I were to turn it around and do a "wimmen's" study?

Posted by: Kim on April 9, 2006 04:47 PM

How tall did you say you are Eric??

Posted by: Dawn on April 9, 2006 04:54 PM

... just under 6 feet 2.... why?...

Posted by: Eric on April 9, 2006 05:38 PM

becuase I live in Pensacola.. :o)

Posted by: Dawn on April 9, 2006 10:56 PM

I live near Pensacola...
If "Bone Crusher" is still around I may move even farther away.

Posted by: Horrabin on April 9, 2006 11:19 PM

I know of GI showers and blanket parties. If the young lady above has the talent and persaverance in dishing out same. Then I pity the fool who is in need of a cleaning who catches her eye *grin*. As far as ugly fella's with *hot* chicks, you (most of the time) will find either his member or wallet are bulging. Thank god I had a sense of humor or I would have been dateless back in my single days.

Posted by: Guy S on April 10, 2006 01:21 AM

Ah, but what is hot for one isn't necesarily hot for the other.
I am also surprised they didn't touch on the "bad Boy" complex issue...I never understood why criminal records made men more appealing...It seems now a "man in uniform" now includes criminals in orange jump suits...

Posted by: Steph on April 10, 2006 05:29 AM

Why don't women give "it" a name? Cause they don't "think" with it. They don't have to say "Roscoe went and did it."

Posted by: Maggie on April 10, 2006 06:48 AM

I'm ugly; my wive isn't.

Of course, she's legally blind...

Posted by: Kim du Toit on April 10, 2006 10:32 AM

"If you're a guy, you're more likely to get laid if you look like Adonis than you are if you resemble the Elephant Man."

I have to agree with you there Rob.

For instance, I have the body of a god. Unfortunately, it's Buddha...

Posted by: Rich on April 10, 2006 10:49 AM
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