Gut Rumbles

February 28, 2006

i think too much

I had a very nice dinner tonight. I don't have a clue what it was, but it had a big chunk of fish, lots of strange vegetables, some kinda micro-shrimp and a lot of rice on the plate. I can't believe that I ate the WHOLE THING, because it should have been hauled on a fork-lift to my table. Bejus! That was a LOT of food and I felt.... I dunno... DECADENT for pigging out the way I did.

The meal cost less than 5,000 colones, and that included two cups of VERY rich coffee after I sat paralyzed at the table, unable to function as a human being because my belly was so full. I did some quick math (I was an English Major--- I don't DO math) and calculated that, after I factored the F of X into the equation, inverted and multplied, did all the gozentas and took a wild-assed guess, that meal cost me $10.00 US, once I included a generous tip for my most attentive waiter.

That's Costa Rica, folks, if you'll just get off the beaten track .

Okay that's enought of me JEERING at you folks because I'm here and YOU'RE NOT! I'm gonna open a travel agency and show people how to have a good time, eat sumptiously and endure insane cab rides for a modest price. I'm gonna get rich and retire to Costa Rica.

But I'm totally off-topic here. Living high on the hog with piglet money does that to me...

Last night when I couldn't sleep, I did a lot of thinking. In the past two days, I've probably walked close to 20 miles. I don't take taxis here in San Jose. I walk. I LIKE walking, and I'm not that far away from remembering when I couldn't make it to my mailbox and back in one trip. I'll be sore tomorrow, but I walked ALL DAY today. It felt GOOD, too.

When I did sleep last night, I dreamed that I had a puppy dog in bed with me and he wouldn't be still. He kept pawing and licking at me until he pissed me off. I dreamed that I grabbed the dog by the nose, stuck his face in my armpit and said, "If you start that shit again, I'm throwing your ass outside for the night! You BEHAVE!" and I dreamed that the dog behaved and slept with his nose in my armpit, just like a fuzzy cuddle-muffin. Is that weird, or what? I MISSED that dog when I woke up.

You'll NEVER dream about a CAT doing that.

I also had plenty of time to get all existential. I thought about the hookers trying to solicit me off the porch last night. And I thought about my BC ex-wife. Guess which one I decided was most honest? Guess which one cost the most money? There's an inverse mathemetical Parallel of Pussy that needs to be taught in school. If a woman sells it outright, you know what it costs, right upfront. Hell, if it's GOOD, you might even throw in a generous tip.

Have her "give" it to you, and that's one expensive damn hole you end up paying for. There's whores and then there's... uh... ex-wives. In MY humble opinion, whores are.... never mind. I don't want every ex-wife in the world wanting to cut my nuts off because I suggested that they are nut-cutters. Gawd! Wimmen are the only creatures on the planet who will nut-cut to PROVE that they ARE NOT nut-cutters. Go figure that one out. I can't.

I'll just tell you guys.... If you don't think a pussy has teeth, you've never been to divorce court.

I'll probably piss off a lot of wimmen by writing this, but I speak with the voice of experience. And if I weren't speaking at least a modicum of truth, there would be no divorce lawyers driving Porches and no such thing as a pre-nup agreement. Guys are totally dumb, and you chicks figured that fact out a LOOONG time ago. Don't give me that "weaker sex" shit. I KNOW better.

Still, I wish I had a woman with me right now. Yes, I do. I would LOVE to show her around San Jose, buy her some killer food and treat her like a queen. I would take her with me tomorrow to Jaco, then down the coast to wherever we end up. If she followed me, I'd give her a time to remember.

And I'm not talking about sex. I'll GET sex while I'm here. It''s for sale, on the open market, just like any other commodity. If I see something I want, I'll rent it. Great fun, no guilt and everybody ends up happy, What's wrong with that? It's really no different than enjoying that fine meal I had tonight.

I just wish I had a companion. I'm funny that way.

But I believe that I'd be better off with a good dog nuzzling my armpit at night. I've never had a dog I treated well turn around and bite me.


watch out for the cops late at night...they'll roll you.
true story.

Posted by: lg on March 1, 2006 01:05 AM

Good for you -- kinda different doing it sober, no? You'll probably see a whole lot of things this trip that you missed last time. Eat some shrimp for me somewhere where you can sit and look at the ocean while you do it!
And, FYI, m'dear, there IS another parallel universe between your two extremes of womanhood . Maybe in sobriety you'll be able to have a better look at that, too. I'm sure I'm not alone amongst women of our age bracket who have never taken a penny of alimony or child support, who have sex when and if they want it, 'for fun and for free' as they say in a certain program, and don't believe in using their bodies or their offspring as chips in some kind of economic warfare. Without using your comments to go into my whole philosophy on the man/woman dichotomy, suffice it to say that you might want to take advantage of this period of R&R to do some reflection on what it is in Rob that has lead you to make the choices that you've made in life (that program calls this a 4th step) -- once you've managed to see the part you play yourself in your patterns, then you are finally free to change them. I would be willing to bet that there is a'woman of heart and mind' out there for you somewhere (if indeed that is something you want) for camaraderie or whatever -- in the meantime get a good dog and work on Rob!
Enjoy your trip (and keep rubbing it in for all of us poor working stiffs) and don't forget to eat my shrimp!

Posted by: Marianne on March 1, 2006 03:34 AM

I know what you mean about a traveling companion. I travel alone most of the time and it's good to be free to do what you want, when you want and you meet more people when you're alone, but when you see something really awesome, you kind of miss having somebody there to witness it with you.

Throw a stone into the Pacific for me. I'm there in spirit.

Posted by: Libby on March 1, 2006 08:09 AM

Oh man. I envy you, There is some of the best salt water fishing in the world off the coast of Costa Rica and I have dreamed of making thetrip just for the fishing for years.

Posted by: GUYK on March 1, 2006 08:22 AM

"If you don't think a pussy has teeth, you've never been to divorce court."

I am SO stealing this one.

Posted by: disconnect on March 1, 2006 09:21 AM

Well, I have an awful lot to say about you and this post, but I don't want to ruin your vacation, so I'll be nice. Besides, I know you wouldn't listen to what I had to say about it anyway. I am a "wimmen/pussy" afterall. Plus I haven't had all my coffee yet and I tend to have a hard time controlling myself until I've had the whole pot!
So enjoy your vacation. Stop thinking!

Posted by: livey on March 1, 2006 10:13 AM

You know what you can handle....I'm happy for you.

Grab a stick. Throw it into the ocean. I see a young pup going after it, then bringing it back to you.

Posted by: Bonita on March 1, 2006 11:33 AM

Puppy dog, nothing. You're describing my cat Matata. A dog in a cat's body, I suspect.

But obviously not the pussy for you.

Posted by: Elisson on March 1, 2006 12:16 PM

I don't have to dream about a cat, I wake up with approximately 60 pounds of cat on the bed and 24 of that is from one cat alone!

My hubby and I have a full sized bed, two cats sleep under the covers, the big fat orange one sleeps right next to my face and nuzzles, two sleep at the bottom of the bed, one is too good for us and another prefers under the bed.

I don't have room for my two 90 pound dogs, although one of them will jump on the bed, put his head on the pillow and pretend he is asleep so we don't kick him out!

Glad you are having fun in Costa Rica - have been away and didn't realize you were there!!!

Posted by: A Different Kim on March 1, 2006 02:22 PM

Kim...I lost count, just exactly HOW MANY cats do you have???

Posted by: Ruth on March 1, 2006 03:42 PM

I also have cats that'll do that. Last night went to sleep with my tiger-tomcat resting his head on my shoulder. Big fuzzy guy's my "puppy-cat". Usually trots out to greet me at the car when I get home from work.
Have a great time, Rob!

Posted by: Stu on March 1, 2006 06:55 PM

How fast do them Porches go?

I bet they go faster if you take the old couches and washing machines off and lay them in the yard.

Posted by: Steve H. on March 1, 2006 07:36 PM

So you just now figured out that the divorce settlement is the fucking you get for the fucking you got.

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on March 1, 2006 08:01 PM

Jeebus, Kim. I got a 15 pound cat, and when he uses me as a launch pad, I feel like I've been punched. I can't imagine a 24 pounder. As for Rob, have fun in Costa Rica. From what you're saying, it sounds like when you finally go by boat, we might not see you again for a season. Hell, it sounds nice enough, if I didn't have a mortgage, I'd go.

Posted by: ted on March 1, 2006 10:10 PM

Whilst on the run from Katrina (I live stupidly close to the coast in MS), I adopted a puppy (after finding out the house was okay). Named her Katrina. Fitting title, the bitch can tear shit up (she loves squeaky toys until she tears the squeak out of them), but I wouldn't trade her for anything.

You're a Southerner, Rob. Get a dog when you get home. It's in our blood. Dogs are damned loyal and fun, and they do useful things -- bark at people, they have a calming effect, and if need be they'll protect you. (Assuming you don't get a lap-ferret of a dog, but if you want that, get a cat...)

And until PETA completely destroys our system, dogs can't divorce you.

Posted by: Adam Lawson on March 1, 2006 11:46 PM

lg: Cops in CR are a commodity like most other things. Some of them are honest, some are not, and just about all can be hired as a body guard should you wish to visit the more colorful regions of the country late at night.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on March 2, 2006 10:31 AM

Well, getting screwed in a divorce is not exclusive to men. I'm not the typical bitch on wheels with the make the son-of-a-bitch pay for what he did to me mindset. I wanted to be fair. Ah, well. It was worth it getting rid of him. He falls in the category of pussy with teeth!

Sorry you're alone in paradise. At least you have that dog warming you at night!

Posted by: Cheryl on March 2, 2006 11:00 AM

And women wonder why men "don't want to commit." It's because we've finally figured out that the feminazis have turned the law on its ear and use it as a tool to destroy good, honest, hardworking men - just because they can. Nothing is worth going through that.

And Rob is absolutely right - I laugh (loudly) at guys who say, I've never paid for it in my life. The man ALWAYS ends up paying for it, one way or the other, sooner or later.

Posted by: maggot on March 2, 2006 02:25 PM

sounds like much fun your having down there. A pup in the armpit? Had that for many moths b4 she got too big. great feeling though...

Posted by: Dave on March 2, 2006 09:27 PM

He travels further who travels alone.

Posted by: Brett on March 3, 2006 12:34 PM
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