Gut Rumbles

February 06, 2006

it sucked

The Super Bowl kept me on the edge of my seat. I had to sit that way, in the most uncomfortable position I could find, to keep from falling asleep on my sofa during the game. I picked the winner and I was reasonably close on predicting the score, but the contest itself was a boring affair. The game SUCKED.

Neither team looked like a champion. Little bits of scrap paper and a few uneaten corn chip crumbs, caught in a powerful vacuum, kept flying off my carpet and sticking to the TV screen because of the officials, who absolutely SUCKED.

The officials were in good company. I should have known that the game was gonna have a very high SUCK quotient when I listened to the National Anthem, as performed by the Goodyear Blimp Aretha Franklin and Neville What'sHisName. They sucked. The only thing that could have made their singing worse was Aretha having a wardrobe malfunction and dropping a humongous titty to the turf.

Speaking of terrible music, the Rolling Stones didn't do much better at halftime. Bejus! They sounded like a shitty garage band that hasn't learned to tune a guitar yet. Take away Mick Jagger mincing around the stage as if he had a buzzing dildo stuck up his ass and they've got NUTHIN,' other than Keith Richards resembling an animated corpse. They SUCKED.

As I predicted, the commercials were the highlight of the evening. The Bud Lite "Streaker" was my favorite. I laughed out loud at that one. But I didn't get the point of the "Riot-in-the-Office" spot, where some low-level manager jerk hid Bud Lite all over the place to improve employee morale. The employees then tore the office apart, destroying the place while looking for beer.

As a recovering alcoholic, I don't know about that one. It reminded me of Jack Lemmon in the greenhouse scene from The Days of Wine and Roses. Exactly what message were they trying to send? It made ME want to stay sober.

I detected subliminal racism in the "Brown and Bubbly" Pepsi commercial. No doubt about the target audience there, despite the presence of a couple of token white faces in the rap-recording session. That music SUCKED, but it was easier to take after hearing the National Anthem.

In the end, the Steelers won, 21-10. I was very happy when the game was over--- delighted that I didn't pay $600 to watch that shit live.

Did I mention that the game SUCKED?


I was delighted, as I am every year at Stupor Bowl time, that I didn't waste my valuable time watching grown men running around a pasture, playing a little boys' game & grabbing each other's asses.
Maybe they could call it "Brokeback Bowl".

Posted by: Tennessee Budd on February 6, 2006 12:03 PM

One thing about the Stones you must remember. They're a grand total of 1,428 years old. Now factor that into your garage band equation.

Posted by: Patrick on February 6, 2006 12:04 PM

So at 1428 years old they are an ancient garage band. They are still a bad garage band. I'm definitely with Rob on this one.

Posted by: dick on February 6, 2006 12:27 PM

Well, of course the Superbowl sucked.

The Cowboys weren't in it, say... kickin' the birdshit outta the Iggles or something.

The Stuporbowl (I like that) without the Cowboys is like the NHL without the REAL Broad Street Bullies or NASCAR without Richard Petty, Davey Allison and Alan Kulwicki...
Or "near beer" or decaf coffee...

It's a boring, stupid, vacuous, inane, "wtff" (what the fuck for?) waste of time, money and effort... to do, to watch, to care.

Give me (back) Tom Landry, Dave Schultz and those above-named NASCAR heros or give me reruns of Daria!!!

I'm just glad it's over.
Now... about this "cold weather" shit.... (Punxatawney Phil needs his furry ass kicked. I hate him.)

Posted by: Stevie on February 6, 2006 12:51 PM

Yes. I think Lifetime had more going on last night than the superbowl. And Keith Richards has ALWAYS resembled an animated corpse. But I'd still do him.

Posted by: Steph on February 6, 2006 01:01 PM

We went grocery shopping right before halftime, and missed not much most of the third quarter.

I wonder what the game would have been like with, say, the Colts playing the Iggles...

Not Dallas, not this year or in recent memory. They haven't had a good quarterback since Aikman or a decent running back since Emmit, and it shows.

Posted by: Kim du Toit on February 6, 2006 01:26 PM

The game did suck, but I did like two commercials, the Streaker commercial was also my favorite, and I really liked the Super Scarecrow commercial for that green energy drink.

Zapping Hippies! LMAO!

Posted by: caltechgirl on February 6, 2006 02:37 PM

Am I to understand that you didn't care for this year's championship game?

Posted by: BlogDog on February 6, 2006 02:40 PM

This game was missing the World Champions Emeritus New England Patriots and it showed. The Patriots will be back.

The Colts are losers--even with the NFL trying to hand them the Pittsburgh game, they still choked. When Manning overruled Dungy and refused the punt call, Dungy should have gone onto the field and pulled Manning off the field by his facemask. That sequence perfectly summed up those wankers.

Posted by: Chris on February 6, 2006 02:42 PM

Mick Jagger mincing around the stage as if he had a buzzing dildo stuck up his ass

Bahahahahahahaha I wish I had of wrote that. It is the most apt description I have ever read of Jagger at any age. The sumbitch should retire and go to coke rehab

Posted by: GUYK on February 6, 2006 03:15 PM

I'm glad I'm not the only one that thought the half-time performance sucked. I watched the game while eating a burger and then watched the half time show, but after that I found that a book was probably going to be more appealing to me. So, I settled down on my bed and read until the wee hours of the morning.

Posted by: Beth on February 6, 2006 03:22 PM

I was glad the game wasn't a blowout but it still wasn't thrilling. But I'm a hockey fan so what do i know? i liked the Ameriquest commercial with the fly and the hospital. and the streaker. to use the phrase of the cowboy in that commercial, "I did not need to see that."

Posted by: Shelley on February 6, 2006 03:23 PM

Tell us how you REALLY feel about the game?

Posted by: Maeve on February 6, 2006 04:05 PM

I'm sick of the halftime show sucking. I'd rather see a great marching band than anything they've shown over the last 10 years.

And I was excited to see Aretha singing the nat'l anthem until I heard it... ugh. where's the RESPECT for our anthem and what it stands for? Sing it like you mean it woman, not like you want everyone to hear how great you don't sing anymore.

The food was the best part of the game. Homemade guacamole, cheese, olives, hotwings, and sweet tea.

Posted by: Danielle on February 6, 2006 04:06 PM

If Seattle's first TD wouldn't have been called back for "offensive pass interference", that would have been a little better. Seems like OPI is always a bullshit call.

The thing I found absolutely ASININE was the personal foul - blocking below the waist call on Hasselbeck after the interception.

The various holding calls against Seattle were legit, but it seemed like they were always called when it would piss me off the most.

I don't think that the outcome would have been different, even with perfect officiating - but I'd rather have seen the Steelers win 17-14 than 21-10. That score really didn't reflect what happened on the field.

Posted by: Jeff on February 6, 2006 04:36 PM

I would have rather watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition. thanks stuperbowl for stealing the joy from my sunday.

Posted by: Danielle on February 6, 2006 05:11 PM

I too was very disappointed with the Stones. I've seen them live several times, and they can be amazing. I think part of the problem was that the NFL was censoring some of the lyrics and also changing the volume on Mic's mic to tune out any potentially offensive lyrics. In the end, it just looked like he couldn't remember the words to the songs.

But hey, you gotta give him credit for being able to rock those hips like that when he's in his 60's!!

Posted by: DogsDontPurr on February 6, 2006 05:19 PM

A-Man, I simply cannot believe how much your writing has improved since sobriety set in. It's like a new, shiny edge to a knife blade. Really a pleasure to see (and read).

Posted by: Bane on February 6, 2006 06:09 PM

Yes, DDP mentioned bad mixing or intentional censorship. Not to mention that whoever was mixing guitars missed the first half of Ron's solo in both Start Me Up and Satisfaction. That's what happens when you let the NFL put on a rock show.

Posted by: Patrick on February 6, 2006 06:34 PM

Amen to Bane's comment.

The horrific image you have planted in my brain - that of Urethra Franklin's massive tujunga flopping to the Astroturf - will take years of therapy and medication to remove. Thank you, oh, thank you. Finally, something even more grotesque than Janet Jackson's evil-looking titty.

Posted by: Elisson on February 6, 2006 08:03 PM

Drudge had a headline a few months ago:

The Strolling Bones

Posted by: maxnnr on February 6, 2006 08:58 PM

Just say the game started in a hole with the first screech out of the old broads mouth and the production just kept digging. I hope the Aussie's don't mind when they pop out of the up off their shore. We didn't pay a deposit so please don't return them.

Posted by: scrapiron on February 6, 2006 09:42 PM

Why the Stones? What about Ted Nugent or Bob Seeger. This thing was in Detroit? Right? This is almost UnAmerican. Am I allowed to say that? UnAmerican.

Posted by: Jim on February 7, 2006 09:49 PM

My wife works at an answering service for all sorts of businesses after hours: Maintainence services, doctors, mail order catalogues, you name it. For example, if your toilet gets clogged and you call a plumbing service, you have a heart attack and call a doctor, or you have trouble applying cauking compound and call tech support, you might end up talking to her at 9:00pm EST.

They are usually very busy, and the business runs with the fewest operators they can get away with.

She said during this Superbowl, as usual, phone calls fell off to almost nothing during the game. During the half time show, they didn't get a SINGLE phone call.

Go figure.

Posted by: joel Hammer on February 7, 2006 10:43 PM

Hey, give the Stones a break. They've always sounded like a garage band. That's a large part of their appeal. And they've mostly always looked like animated corpses, too. That aside, your analyses of the game is spot on. I think it would help if they would stop having the extra week between games. I think both the fans and the teams lose focus with two weeks between games, plus it just gives the media that much more time to hype it, which, I suppose is the whole point.

Posted by: Glenn on February 8, 2006 12:30 AM
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