Gut Rumbles

August 31, 2005

i dance like a fucktard

I'll confess--- I really DO dance like a fucktard, so that's why I seldom dance. I have to be pretty drunk and totally uninhibited to get up and show my ass on a dance floor.

I envy people who dance well. It looks like so much FUN and I wish I could do it, too. But I can't. You wanna picture ME dancing? Just try to imagine a monkey fucking a football. Then--- picture the monkey displaying more dignity than I do when I dance.

I've never understood why I was so cursed.

I'm a MUSICIAN, for crying out loud. I can play several different musical instruments and I've been in a lot of different bands. I don't have any trouble keeping time or picking up a beat when I play, but I get all discombobulated when I try to dance.

Jennifer asked me once when she watched me play bass guitar with my old rock & roll band, "What are you doing with your feet?" I didn't know what she was talking about. "You're up there on stage tapping your toes in TWO DIFFERENT beats, neither of which matches the music. How do you do that?"

I wasn't aware of doing that. I just felt the music and my toes started twitching. I wasn't paying any attention to my feet. But she damned nearly ruined my bass-playing because I STARTED watching my feet and almost forgot how to keep up with the band. Instead of playing, I was dancing.

Some people just need to accept their limitations and be content with what they CAN do. Thinking too much is not good for you. After that night, I made peace with the facts.

I can play, but I dance like a fucktard.


You ain't the lone ranger there A-man. I resemble a drunk moose on the dance floor.

But put me behind a trumpet and I will keep time with you all day.... Go figure.

Posted by: gravdigr on August 31, 2005 10:33 AM

You're not THAT bad.

Posted by: Da Goddess on August 31, 2005 10:36 AM

We should have a fucktard blogmeet. You, me, vman. Lots of drunk chicks to laugh at us.

Posted by: og on August 31, 2005 11:02 AM

I've never told him, but this is the reason I only slow dance with my husband. He's really good at that...

Fellow brass musician, gravdigr. Also played baritone, tuba and even an alto once (whatever was needed). Refused to march with the tuba, though, being 5'4", 115 lbs. Learned to play on an old beat up cornet at church, the Salvation Army Church (some of the best brass bands I've ever heard).

Sorry, got a little off topic there...

Posted by: Jane on August 31, 2005 11:37 AM

That's a surprise! I've always been jealous of musicians because they always seem to have innate rhythm.

I am rhythm impaired. I've known it since I was a kid; I can find a rhythm but it is never the same one someone else does. If I ever dance with someone we have to stay far apart or someone gets hurt.

It makes sex interesting at times: I always choose the not-quite-right time to ask 'does that feel good?'

Posted by: susan on August 31, 2005 12:41 PM

There is a certain "thing" that I have received compliments
on "my rythmn and endurance".
And it ain't dancing. That won't happen.
I know which is more important. So do others.

Posted by: Dan Pursel on August 31, 2005 10:00 PM

I can waltz a bit, some things like that. But freestyle dancing... I feel- and probably look- like your monkey f'ing a football.

Posted by: Mark on September 1, 2005 11:56 AM

Oh that's funny, I can dance but I play like a fucktard and sing like a crow. I would have traded dancing for being musical in a heartbeat.

Never understood why God let me love music so much and didn't really give me a way to express it.

Posted by: Libby on September 2, 2005 12:04 AM

I am a Musician as well and cant dance to save my ass,so i just play drums and leave the dancing to the drunks.Okay so Im a drunk who cant dance .

Posted by: NeilV on September 2, 2005 04:34 AM

The fact that you can't dance merely proves that you're male, heterosexual, and not Latin.

Posted by: Steve H. on September 2, 2005 02:28 PM

I was told once that I dance like an ape in heat. I remember dancing at our wedding reception (17 years ago). I may have done it once or twice since, but damned if I can remember. Definately something I don't do very well.

Posted by: Richard on September 3, 2005 06:27 PM
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