Gut Rumbles

August 21, 2005

a sunday post

I went through a religious phase when I was in college. I read all the holy books and the writings of holy men. I was Baptised in the Church of Christ, but that didn't last long. When the water dried up, so did my religion.

I never could decide whether I wanted to be a Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, a Buddist, a Zorastrian, a Hindu or something else, so I finally settled on being an athiest. It was a difficult life-choice, but I finally made it.

I kinda like the idea of God running a place called "heaven" that's a lot like Key West, but with beer-spewing volcanos and Big Rock Candy Mountains, where everything is free, the wimmen all wanna get laid, the weather is nice and YOU end up toting God back to his cloud and pouring him into his holy bed one evening, because he's drunker than YOU are.

I wouldn't mind going to that kind of heaven, where the fish always bite, ALL wimmen swallow instead of spit and nobody wears any clothes. Yeah. No mosquitoes or fire ants, either. Sunshine all day and gentle rain at night to help you sleep. Fighting is not permitted, but fucking is encouraged.

I could join a church that fed me THAT line of superstition.


Are the women there women that have also gone to heaven? What do you give to the women that swallow?

Posted by: DaveJ on August 21, 2005 01:07 PM

Wings, Dave!

Posted by: Acidman on August 21, 2005 01:43 PM

I confess (no pun intended) to being a believer (even if I dont always practice it as I should), but I am kinda reminded of a good "monologue" joke...and being Southern Baptist I can tell it and appreciate it! LOL

Mormans dont recognize the authority of the Pope
Jews dont recognize the divinity of Christ
Southern Baptists dont recognize each other in liquor stores.

Posted by: Randy (TexasReb) on August 21, 2005 02:19 PM

Spitter or swallower ? I had a old Navy buddy who said he generally didn't care what the lady did with it after he was done with it.

Posted by: Sandcrab on August 21, 2005 03:08 PM

That ain't heaven you're describing, buddy; it's paradise.

Posted by: Brett on August 21, 2005 04:16 PM


That's what Islam thinks heaven is, a giant Whorehouse and bar.

Scott G

Posted by: Scott G on August 21, 2005 06:37 PM

Ah Hell, Rob, it would get boring if the fish were always biting-no challenge then. Life would be dull as hell if everything always went the way I wanted it to and if that is what heaven is forget it. Fell the same about the wimmin-if it comes easy it usually just ain't that good.

Posted by: GUYK on August 21, 2005 10:06 PM

Have you ever read Heinlein?
In Stranger in a Strange Land, there's a religion just like what you want. He doesn't like it very much though.
He also has a story called "Lifeline" that is like your "expiration date" idea.

As for the correct religion, if I were to believe in a god I would have to give the nod to the Jews. If there is a god, He has a wonderfully sadistic sense of humor. Look at the history of the Jews and tell me their G-d doesn't have a very sick sense of humor. Whenever they tick Him off He sends them into slavery. Now, after 2,000 years of wandering He sends them to the part of the world with the most violent of Jew haters.

Posted by: Veeshir on August 22, 2005 08:34 AM
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