Gut Rumbles

July 27, 2005

the "zero hero"

I had a lot of entertainment talking to Quinton tonight. He's a troop in some paint-ball league that goes out and fights in the woods about twice every week. His nickname is "The Zero Hero" because he slays his enemies without mercy, ravishes their wimmen and sacks their villages, driving everything into complete panic before him as he cackles in glee and drinks mead from a ram-horn. My son is a barbarian.

I am proud of him.

Well... I'm kinda exaggerating here. Quinton is called the "Zero Hero" because he seldom gets "killed" on the battlefield, and he's the one who usually captures the enemy flag. As he told me tonight,

"Daddy, if I stay low and move fast, they never hit me. Well, sometimes they do. You oughta see the knot on the backa my head right now. I never saw that guy. He was dug in and he jumped up and shot me when I ran by.

Oh! I've got this big bruise on my back, too. But that guy cheated. He was dead already and shot me anyway. Know what I did? I turned around and unloaded my whole gun into him. I bet he has more bruises than I do now."

I am certain that some "psychologists" will see all sorts of warning signs in what I just wrote. Quinton is a gun-loving maniac, just like his father!!! BEJUS!!! KILL THEM BOTH!!! THE ACORN NEVER FALLS FAR FROM THE TREE!!!

I just wish we'd had paintball games when I was Quinton's age. Damn! That's got to be a lot of fun.

You know what I thought about tonight when I talked to him? I thought about that single-shot, bolt-action .22 rifle that I bought I almost bought to teach Quinton and Jack to shoot. That's an exact replica of the first "real" gun I ever shot in my life and I think it is the ideal rifle to teach young boys to shoot.

One round at a time. You have to learn to operate the gun. You have to think before every shot. I can't conceive of a better way to do it.

I taught 'em to shoot BB guns, and Quinton has fired my pellet rifle a few times, but he's old enough now to get GOOD at that stuff. And I don't care what some of you GFWs have to say about teaching a boy to shoot. That is one of the closest bonding experiences I ever had with my father and my grandfather.

They both wore Old Spice after-shave. TO THIS DAY, if I smell gunpowder and Old Spice at the same time, I get all misted up, and I remember plunking with that .22 rifle on the banks of the Cumberland river.

I want my son to have memories like that.


I am so glad you got to talk to your boy!!

Posted by: Kellie on July 27, 2005 09:57 PM

My Friend you brought back some mighty fond memories for me too. My daddy taught me on a .22 single shot bolt, and he used Old Spice everyday. Even though I'm female some of us were taught the same as the boys if we showed an interest. Thanks for bringing him back to me for a brief instant.

Posted by: jacquih on July 27, 2005 10:07 PM

I am too old and fat to run and to fat to hide and stay the hell away from paint gun fights.

I really don't remember actually being taught to shoot. I have some early memories of target shooting with my dad and granddad but I don't remember them teaching me to shoot although I'm sure they did.

Posted by: GUYK on July 27, 2005 10:16 PM

Paintball kicks ass. I get all misty when I smell Old Spice aftershave too, my grandaddy wore it. Bejus I miss that man.

Posted by: Alli on July 27, 2005 10:33 PM

Give that boy a gun, teach him to use it well, and those will be some of his fondest memories. I know mine are.

Posted by: gravdigr on July 27, 2005 10:56 PM

Old spice and cordite, man you just woke up something inside of me. Did everyones dad wear old spice? Great news about Quinton. I lost track of how old he, is you gotta refresh us there. I know, from my
nephews that after about 13 they start nagging Mom, how they wanta go live with their dad.....Better hold on to that crackerbox. You might have a 6 gun totin', guitar playin' Cat killin' clone in the making.

Posted by: GrampaPinhead on July 27, 2005 11:22 PM

My dad always wore Old Spice too. Brings tears my eyes every time I smell it now.

Posted by: livey on July 27, 2005 11:44 PM

Glad you got to talk to your lad, Rob. He's figuring it out.

Posted by: Velociman on July 27, 2005 11:46 PM

This post reminded me of similar memories from my childhood of learning to shoot guns with my daddy.

Posted by: Indigo on July 27, 2005 11:58 PM

SO, thats why when I use Old Spice the dam wimmen start crying!

Posted by: Kenway on July 28, 2005 12:09 AM

I'm so happy your son has called you!

Posted by: Maeve on July 28, 2005 12:40 AM

"And I don't care what some of you GFWs have to say about teaching a boy to shoot. That is one of the closest bonding experiences I ever had with my father and my grandfather.

They both wore Old Spice after-shave."

Your grandfather planned to go out and KILL another human being with his gun. And this was something you were proud to tell about.
What is respectable about that and how does that make for a bonding thing with a son? and WTF does wearing Old Spice have to do with shooting a fucking gun or killing another human being? If that is what you count on to get laid, I would hate to meet the women you attract Acidbrain. The only thing you are passing to the boy are insecurities you could never seem to make up for except to try your damndest to be some kind of Marlboro man...but I believe you have fallen a little short on that goal pardner.


Posted by: PJ on July 28, 2005 02:51 AM

let me be the first to say :: SHUT-UP-PJ.

Posted by: adele on July 28, 2005 03:07 AM

PJ, obviously your dad never taught you to shoot or you would know about the smell of old spice. From the tone of your comments I can see why, he probably didn't want to get anywhere near such a waste of skin such as yourself. Sorry about that A-man that clown always ticks me off. I'm glad you talked to your boy and I hope you get to teach him to shoot that .22(that you don't have).

Posted by: Dogger on July 28, 2005 03:08 AM

"Daddy"........sweetest words you'll ever hear!

Posted by: Maggie on July 28, 2005 08:07 AM

You got to talk to Quinton! Very cool.

Posted by: Jane on July 28, 2005 09:09 AM

That's some cool stuff!!! I wish I could play paintball, too. Our boys used to have pinecone wars in the backyard that were pretty damn intense and brutal.

He sounds like a wonderful boy!!! I'm so glad you got to spend some good time talking to him.

Posted by: Kelly on July 28, 2005 09:28 AM

Hey PJ, where does he say is Grandpa was gonna kill someone? Read it again stupid. My DH and son go hunting together and it is about the only thing they do together. They both enjoy those times. PJ - don't like what you read here? Then go visit someone else. We don't need your stupid comments about something you know absolutely nothing about.

Posted by: Anastasia on July 28, 2005 09:56 AM

I paint ball with my 16 year old son. It's a blast, but he's getting too good, so I don't get invited much any more! I've recently started taking him with me when I go sporting clay shooting. It's a good experience.

Oh, PJ, I think I hear your mom calling. The EZ Bake Oven is warm. TIme to make cookies, dear.

Posted by: The Other Mike S on July 28, 2005 11:10 AM

I love painball, but it's an expensive hobby.

I know guys who have painballs guns that cost more than an M1A.

Personally I'd rather have the gun that throws .308 FMJ's downrange instead of .68 cal. dye filled gelatin balls.

Posted by: Graumagus on July 28, 2005 11:37 AM

I think the paintball gun Quinton uses now cost more than $500. I've never paid that much money for a REAL gun.

(Not that I own any.)

Posted by: Acidman on July 28, 2005 12:12 PM


Posted by: Juliette on July 28, 2005 12:32 PM

Paintball is something I want to do. It looks like so much fun.
My uncle taught all of his boys to shoot. He was a cop for many years, so my cousins went out to the pistol range with him a lot. Two out of the three of them grew to love going hunting.
Now the oldest one is in the Army National Guard and has served a tour in Afghanistan. He and the 9 or 10 guys who he served with killed over 30 Taliban.
I don't remember the medal he got for that, but we were sure proud that he got it.
He reenlisted and is now overseas again on a training mission (he's in the Special Forces). It makes me proud.
I don't see any wrong in teaching kids about guns as long as they learn to use them safely.

Posted by: UziQ on July 28, 2005 01:06 PM


If you can find a way to do it, do so, because it is a ton of fun. We usually do the natural setting courses. Our favorite is at the base of a mountain, so you use natural cover, streams, etc. We get a lot of SWAT teams that "play" with us, as well as guys in the reserves.

Posted by: The Other Mike S on July 28, 2005 05:03 PM

ROFLMAO @ The Other Mikes
Easy Bake oven! LOL! That pretty much nails it. :-)

Posted by: MadMonk on July 28, 2005 05:24 PM

I've never owned a gun. 4-H taught me to shoot, both at camp and downtown DC at the NRA headquarters range. Came in handy in basic training at Fort Knox. I dunno if 4-H even does stuff like that anymore, 40 years ago they did and it was a blast (no pun intended). I don't own a gun because this close to DC if I even dropped a bullet on the ground I'd get busted for sure. Actually shoot one within 20 miles? Forget it, unless I was a criminal type whacking another criminal type. Then I'd probably be ignored.

Posted by: Horrabin on July 28, 2005 09:41 PM

Unless of course I was the snipers... at least 3 people got it from them within a couple miles of me, the first one at a Mobil station I frequent, the bus driver at a stop 2 down from one I often get on the bus at.

Posted by: Horrabin on July 28, 2005 09:43 PM

"Hey PJ, where does he say is Grandpa was gonna kill someone? Read it again stupid."

"My grandfather bought a pistol and FULLY INTENDED to kill somebody with it."

He said it again stupid. Pay attention or shut the fuck up.

Posted by: PJ on July 29, 2005 02:55 AM
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