Gut Rumbles

July 18, 2005

riding on a plane

The first time I rode on an airplane, I enjoyed the hell out of it. I ended up with a flattened nose from looking out the window all the way from Savannah to St. Louis. I couldn't WAIT for the flight back home. I thought flying was fun, fun, fun.

I DO NOT think that way anymore. Since that day many years ago, I've hopped many an airplane, and today I call them "Greyhound Buses With Wings." That's about what they are.

The seats (at least in coach) are uncomfortable, the "food" isn't fit for a dog to eat and your "flight attendants" are as surly and rude as a got-dam bouncer in a cheap whorehouse. Plus, I always end up sitting next to some grossly overweight person who laps over into my seat and treats me with the aroma of too much cheap cologne and horrible flatulence. (But the "NO SMOKING" sign is always lit.)

Still... sometimes you've gotta travel that way. You just can't drive everywhere you need (or want) to go.

I have suffered this kind of misery before. I feel his pain. And he didn't even START on the ridiculous "security" shit you have to go through now to board an airplane, even when it IS running on time.

Airports suck. The bars serve overpriced drinks, most of the places are laid out as if the designer INTENDED to get you lost, and I'm sick and tired of taking my fucking shoes off to walk through the metal detector at the boarding gate.

The next time a 53 year-old Jawja Cracker named Rob Smith declares Jihad on the United States and commits a terrorist act, I'll start to believe that this shit is practical and necessary. Until then, I'll continue to call bullshit on it and resent like hell being treated that way. No wonder airlines are going bankrupt left and right.

I'm going back to Costa Rica next month. If I could swim that far, I swear to Bejus I WOULD, rather than ride another airplane.


Fuck a got-dam airplane. Take the scenic route. Ride a Harley down there and back.

Posted by: assrot on July 18, 2005 05:28 PM

One word....... boat

Posted by: gravdigr on July 18, 2005 05:36 PM

Don't blame the airlines. The travelling public buys airfares like a commodity, the cheaper the better. Next time fly first class.

The worse experience I had flying was when the nice young man in the seat next to me starting chewing tobacco and spitting it into the jar he had with him. That's the only time I almost had to use the barf bag.

Posted by: joel on July 18, 2005 05:58 PM

If you're planning on driving through Central America to Costa Rica, I have two suggestions:

1) Bring a rental car.

2) Bring a platoon of Marines. With air support.

The worst airline on the planet hasn't got a damn thing on Central America by car.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on July 18, 2005 05:59 PM

YOU think the seats are bad? Try being 6'2" 260#

Get off your wallet get the first-class ticket. I refuse to fly coach on any flights longer than a few hours.

Posted by: rightisright on July 18, 2005 07:36 PM

For my first plane ride (Knoxville to B'ham), the plane coming in from Washington crashed into a mountain and killed everyone. The airliine brought in another plane, which worked fine until we went down the runway and an engine caught on fire. Unbelievably, I still went on the next available flight in which they combined two flights into one and had us land at every crossroads town we passed to take care of everyone's destination. Obviously, I survived.

Posted by: Woody on July 18, 2005 07:56 PM

I hear you loud and clear brother! I used to love to travel by an airliner... nothing compare's the the L1011! Could wait to catch a ride on one those graceful beasts... Since 9-11, I dread every trip through the airport... still the plane ride are fun... just the airports that suck. I used to love wasting time spectating at the Dulles Airport observation deck under the tower. Real Americans... NO LONGER TRUSTED! I think we know who the terrorists are and maybe with a dose of common sense the TSA could also figure out that it's the muslims and there twisted holy jihad.. It's not my 90 year anglo-saxon grandma in her wheelchair. I say kick those islamic bastards off the planes for good (maybe out of country too as they lost their privileges) and make them swim here with their stomach strapped bombs. Maybe they'll get tired in the riptides and die like the foolish martyrs they hope to be in the sea.

I'll be happy again when I can take my children to the gates for their flights, see them off and not be hassled like a common criminal everytime I have to pass through security... What will they make us suffer next... delousing & pysche exams?!!!

Certainly isn't a country by the people and for the people anymore. Shame on us for letting it turn out this way!

Posted by: Andy on July 18, 2005 11:13 PM

Rob -

You often talk about Costa Rica, her people, culture, etc.

What places would you recommend? Do you have any info on immersion Spanish courses held there?


I've already googled 'costa rica' and limited it to

Posted by: brian on July 19, 2005 12:05 AM

Definitely buy a boat, have a Harley strapped on deck for when you arrive, and a 40mm BOFORS as a deck gun in case of assholes on the way.
Go on, you know you deserve it.

Posted by: robert in england on July 19, 2005 07:27 AM

Pretty good rant as usual, but
"the "food" isn't fit for a dog to eat" makes me laugh. When did an airplane become a place to eat rather than a way to get somewhere that has good food?

Posted by: Ivan Ivanovich on July 19, 2005 09:36 AM

I still get off airplanes with a tremendous crick in my neck from ogling the countryside below.

On multiple segment trips, I have to make sure I alternate which side of the plane I sit on, lest I arrive at my destination with a throbbing neckache.

Posted by: Desert Cat on July 21, 2005 12:25 AM
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