Gut Rumbles

July 11, 2005

have you done it?

Did YOU ever do something stupid and start screaming "Oy! Oy! SONOFABITCH!!!" before the pain you KNEW was coming ever hit you? I call that "anticipatory cussing" and I've done it frequently.

Last night, I headed to the kitchen to cut some more of the fresh cantalope Willy gave me when I visited his house the other day. That's about the best cantalope I ever tasted. But on the way to my refrigerator, I slammed my right foot into one of my kitchen chairs. I hit it good and solid, too.

I KNEW that I had stubbed a couple of toes and I started hopping up and down on one foot right away, as I screamed "Oy! Oy! SONOFABITCH!" But it didn't hurt when I did it.

No... it took a few seconds before my pain receptors in my foot transmitted that information to the pain receivers in my brain. But I KNEW that it was coming, so I started screaming before it got there. Kinda like heading it off at the pass, I thought.

Bejus! I accomplished no good. When the pain hit me, I was out of screams and hops. I sat down on my (newly-cleaned) kitchen floor and examined my toes to see whether I broke one of 'em or not. It hurt like hell.

If I had been a hormone-riddled woman, I might have dragged the chair outside, broke it to pieces and set it on fire, just to teach that chair not to fuck with ME. But I didn't do that. I'm a man.

I sat on my kitchen floor and whined for a while, then cut up the rest of that cantalope and ate it. My foot still hurts today, but it wasn't the chair's fault.

God did that to me.


Ever see a little kid bop his head on something - he screws up his face, opens his mouth WIDE (it's still blessed quiet as all this winds up) - and takes a BIG breath - and then the silence is broken by the most unholy scream you've ever heard. This child's expression is DEFINITELY PISSED, surprised, hurt is almost funny, except we know it hurts and run to comfort.

Posted by: suzeisnotfooledbyislam on July 11, 2005 09:42 AM

Yeah I done it....

I broke the baby toe on my right foot back in JUNE....but since I was blootered at the time, I didnt even realize it till the next day when it was three times its normal size and a lovely shade of PURPLE.

Took me two weeks before I could even get shoe on....

Silly bitch!

Posted by: Ruth on July 11, 2005 10:00 AM

Gives new meaning to a curse that I often

utter................May you stub the same toe on

the same foot every night. Now that is evil !!


Posted by: arathorn on July 11, 2005 10:34 AM

God who?

Posted by: Indigo on July 11, 2005 11:02 AM

You've described it perfectly, Rob. For some reason, I have to run the same toe into something hard every six months or so. I first broke the fourth toe on my right foot rough-housing with my Mom's new cat (I know, Rob. No need to castigate me for messing with a cat). The snap sound it made sounded like a stalk of fresh rhubarb. It's very convenient now as it always breaks in the same place.

Posted by: Larry Kephart on July 11, 2005 11:25 AM

Want me to take care of that chair for ya? I'm pretty good with a whip.


Posted by: Blondage on July 11, 2005 11:47 AM

Yeah, and as anyone knows who has hurt a funny bone it damn sure ain't funny.

I have to hand it to you acidman, you are one of the few people I have read that can write about such an event and make me not only see you sitting on the floor holding your foot but laugh at you at the same time.

Posted by: GUYK on July 11, 2005 12:09 PM

GUYK--- I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted.

Posted by: Acidman on July 11, 2005 12:49 PM

Getting out of bed (one of those with drawers, so it's high up for someone 5'2) I managed to snag my little toe in the plastic weave of a laundry basket. That was one of the most ungraceful dismounts I have ever had from a bed. I examined my toe to make sure it wasn't at a funny angle, and laughed. Next morning, it looked like the color of grape jelly for my toe and a good two inch radius out from that.

Never again did I allow that treacherous laundry basket next to the bed. But, to my credit, I didn't burn it. :)

Posted by: Cythen on July 11, 2005 01:22 PM

I squashed my finger between a steel beam and the rail of a boom lift. It was one of those reactions where it registers just a tad too late. In this case, I KNEW I was going to smash my finger, but the other hand would just NOT get the message to take the finger off the up button.

Posted by: Kelly on July 11, 2005 01:53 PM

Acidman-damn sure not an insult. I just laughed loudly at the picture of you yelling your head off before you hit the floor holding your foot. And I am proud that you took it like a man instead of taking it out on a chair. I'm sure the chair was hurt enough.

Posted by: GUYK on July 11, 2005 03:06 PM

I prefer the ones where I have a second or two to think "oh, that's gonna hurt/bleed/take a while to heal".

Posted by: Sigivald on July 11, 2005 03:06 PM

Nice to know it's not just me.

Posted by: jmon on July 11, 2005 10:55 PM

I agree with GUYK--love your writing about this stuff. You have a gift--God did that to you too, so like everything else in life there's a balance. Funny ole world, idn't it?

Posted by: Suz on July 12, 2005 05:39 AM

Well, OF COURSE God did this to you. Haven't you heard? God's not only a woman, but a woman CAT.
You are so screwed.

Posted by: robert in england on July 12, 2005 07:31 AM
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