Gut Rumbles

July 10, 2005


I read this post and I was inspired. I don't recall ever writing about it before, but I once owned two Crested Cockatoos (a male and a female) and they were really good companions. They were messy as hell in their cage, but they could talk and I SWEAR that one of them liked to read.

I've got several pictures of me lying on my couch with "Bingo" perched on my head while I was reading. He seemed to be studying the book, too. His only bad habit was the fact that he sometimes enjoyed the story so much that he shit in my hair. That's just one of the drawbacks you must accept if you like tropical birds.

"Bango" was the female, and she wasn't nearly as entertaining as Bingo (and not nearly as tame, either). Being a typical female, she'd bite the shit out of you when she went all hormonal. Plus, I turned her loose in my house one day and the dingbat flew into my chimney. I spent nearly an hour coaxing her out of there.

But she kept Bingo happy because she was a complete slut.

Have YOU ever watched a pair of cockatoos having sex? Bingo drilled Bango (where do you think she got her name?) all the time. If he wasn't hungry, sleepy or talking, Bingo wanted to get laid.

Lemme tell you how this works. Bingo takes a look at Bango's tail feathers and gets the urge. He LEAPS upon her, digs his beak into the back of her neck in a death-grip, and then commits brutal rape. It's all over in about 10 seconds.

After that, once the feathers stop flying, they sit on their perches, coo pleasantly at each other and smoke cigarettes in their afterglow.

That's a LOT more entertaining that owning a got-dam CAT!


My foster mother got it in her head years ago to start breeding tropical birds. We had a pair of moluccan cockatoos, a pair of blue and gold macaws and misc pairs of parakeets, cockatiels and lovebirds in the house at one point. Every day sounded like we were living in the middle of a rainforest, but springtime was REALLY loud. 'Brutal' is exactly how I'd describe it LOL.

Posted by: Chablis on July 10, 2005 08:02 AM

... damn, man... I don't love ANYthing enough to let it shit in my hair...

Posted by: Eric on July 10, 2005 09:28 AM

Maybe bird poop applied directly to scalp could be the long sought after cure for male pattern baldness. And think of the money you could make! Didnt you have any follicularly challenged (ok, BALD) friends you might have had over the house in order to experiment?

Posted by: Ruth on July 10, 2005 09:42 AM

PS...and even it didnt cure their baldness, it would be worth its weight in gold (or laughs) to see your friends being crapped on by your pet bird. (Obviously it doesnt take much to amuse me)

Posted by: Ruth on July 10, 2005 09:57 AM

Damn, you shoulda kept a Bingo hat handy for those times when you two would read a real potboiler.

Posted by: Jim - PRS on July 10, 2005 11:41 AM

I am not bald.

One problem with cockatoos is that if the female resists too much, the male will rip her beak off. The standard preventative measure is to trim the male's wings and let the female be. So she can fly off to get away from him, and he has to waddle after her on foot.

Kind of a rough deal for the male, actually.

Posted by: Steve H. on July 10, 2005 01:21 PM
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