Gut Rumbles

June 17, 2005


Yesterday, Catfish got a dose of the ant problem I have around my house. I spilled some of my mash when I was pouring it into the cooker and about two billion ants showed up immediately to cabbage on the sugar and fermented blackberries. I sprayed an entire can of Raid all over the place and killed enough ants to populate the state of Kansas, all to no avail. Catfish made the mistake of stepping off my porch to take a piss last night and was COVERED with ants before he could get his pecker back in his pants.

I've tried everything I know to do. My back yard has as much Diazanon in it as it does grass, and STILL those little fuckers are everywhere. What kind of ants? You just name 'em; I've got 'em.

* Sugar Ants--- Those are the little black ones who form assembly-lines when they find something good to eat. They'll make a perfect double line, with half a-coming and half a-going as they haul whatever they found back to the mound. I've seen 'em have a double-line stretching 50 yards before it reaches back to the mound. They'll bite you, but you have to provoke them first.

* Red Ants--- Those turds live in underground hives and you seldom see a mound of red ants. All they do is make a series of holes and kick up a little sand around the top. Beneath the ground, however, every one of those holes is connected via a series of tunnels. Dump some gasoline down one hole and watch ants come scurrying out from another hole 10 yards away. That's what makes them so difficult to kill. And they'll bite you for no other reason than the fact that you put your foot in the wrong place.

* Black Ants--- I don't see many of them anymore. They once were everywhere, and I liked them because they were BIG and resembled earth-moving equipment that I saw in the coal mining camp. As a boy, I once watched a single black ant drag a dead cicada TEN TIMES ITS OWN SIZE at least 20 yards through a field behind my parent's house. That ant had no help at all until he arrived home and a couple of scouts emerged to check him out. They did the antenna-dance, one ant ran back down the hole, and suddenly the hive exploded. HUNDREDS of ants came boiling out of there, they tore the cicada to shreds and took the groceries to the larder, piece by piece.

* Fire Ants--- They are the reason I don't see many black ants anymore. The fire ants obviously are racist, because they KILLED all the black ones. Fire ants build BIG sandy mounds and the bastards are as aggressive as a pissed-off water moccasin. They'll eat you alive if just hold still long enough, and they are hardy as hell, too. I've used every kind of poison known to man and I still can't get rid of them. All I manage to do is to get them to relocate.

A dozen or so people die every year in Georgia because of fire ant stings and I can understand why. When they bite, they inject a digestive enzyme into the wound, and it forms a painful, itching, white-headed pus-blister as a result. They also come in SWARMS when they attack, as if the lead ant were John Wayne calling out to the troops---"TAKE THAT HILL!" Thousands (if not MILIONS) of ants join in the charge. If you can't get out of there and get them offa you, you're in deep shit.

Catfish was lucky last night. I think he managed to piss off a colony of sugar ants instead of the really bad fuckers. I don't know how a "sugar ant" could bite Cat and survive a taste of his polluted blood, but some of them tried. That's what he gets for having big feet.

Ants. I hate those bastards.


Two words: Diatomaceous Earth.

Posted by: Bane on June 17, 2005 01:56 AM

I HATE fire ants.

Posted by: Alli on June 17, 2005 02:16 AM

get a pet aardvark. Stabbing them with an icepick is effective but takes up a lot of time.

Fire ants and politicians were put on earth just to piss people off. I'm not sure which I detest the most.

Posted by: GUYK on June 17, 2005 08:47 AM

Come on Acidman. Don't kill the ants. They're just doing what ants do. Its nature. At least make them part of the recipe for cat stew. I hear ants taste a little spicy. Maybe those were piss ants. :-)

Posted by: assrot on June 17, 2005 09:05 AM

Look for a product called Terro. It's the only thing that I've ever found that's any good against ants. It comes in a gel form for inside the house and they also make a pellet form for spreading around outside.

We've been using the gel stuff for a while and it does work. But I don't know if we can say that we have the same kind of ant problems you do.

Also, chickens love to eat ants.

Posted by: Nick Wright on June 17, 2005 09:28 AM

I had a very nice tan, until I went to Rob's house, now my big feet and leggs are blood RED. Man I hate ants and all types of bugs, Cat

Posted by: catfish on June 17, 2005 09:34 AM

I hate those bastards. Every time it rains the damned things come up on my porch in droves. The days after it rains the damn things are everywhere in the yard, even where there is no nest.

Posted by: Adam Lawson on June 17, 2005 10:03 AM

Ever seen fire ants on water?

My parents used to live outside of town, on 40 acres with a nice 3-acre tank in the middle. One year it rained for days and flooded the fields. My buddy and I went down to the tank, and damned if we didn't see lines of fire ants crossing the over-filled tank. Millions of fire ants, all connected.

You can grab a stick and push them under, and they just float back to the top -- if they don't attack that stick, that is. Apparently, they trap a lot of air in bubbles when they form up, and they constantly rotate that mass so none of them drown.

And no, the fish do NOT eat them. Because when they do gorge themselves on fire ants, they die.

Posted by: Wookie7 on June 17, 2005 10:17 AM

The only success I've had is mixing equal parts Borax powder and icing sugar (powdered, confectioners... whatever you call it there) and sprinkling it around the mounds like snow. They take it all down and eat it and die off.

Don't know if that'll work for US ants, but it does for most Canuck ones.

That, or a blowtorch.

Posted by: heather on June 17, 2005 12:44 PM

Find a good hardware / garden store that carries Ortho-klor, Termite and Carpenter Ant killer. It's about $35 a quart, expensive, very concetrated pesticide. Mix it about 5 times stronger than they say to in a portable sprayer, and spray the yard VERY well. Or use it in a hose sprayer at a double or triple recommended conentration. Works for about 3 months between applications, it's about the best pesticide you can get without being a pro. Kills ants, spiders, fleas, ticks, etc as well as the termites / carpenter ants listed on the label.

I use it on the yard with the hose sprayer, and with the pump up sprayer I run a line around all the cracks / edges of the foundation / sidewalks / patio / driveway. Works great!

Posted by: HoJo on June 17, 2005 01:04 PM

Neither my Mom nor my Dad had any sisters, so I've never really had an aunt problem.

Posted by: Bill Spencer on June 17, 2005 02:07 PM

Don't try the ice pick method at home. Especially if they're all over you.

Posted by: Larry on June 17, 2005 03:17 PM

I find that a can of WD-40 and a lighter cures just about all of nature's practical jokes.

Or, put simply, kill 'em with fire.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on June 18, 2005 05:20 PM

And then there are the little piss-ants, why can't we ever get rid of them!

Posted by: Bonita on June 19, 2005 07:53 AM

Those little tiny black "piss ants", I have them in my new home and they've got to go! I bought some Avanced Home Indoor & Outdoor spray from Lowes, and it didn't even faze them. Now what? Those little buggers bite! I don't have piles of them in one place, they're everywhere all throughout my home. A couple here, a few there, EVERYWHERE! I set off two bug bombs in each room of the home and under the home as well, and they still came back. Uggg!

Posted by: Kelley D. on June 26, 2005 08:41 PM

To: Kelley D. You need Raid's hornet/wasp spray, since ants are of the same family, hymenoptera. Buy several cans and go to the outside and douse the perimeter's base of your house with it. For inside, there are a couple of other products that are good, that get rid of ants on contact. Avons "Skin-so-Soft." Spray on a damp paper towel and wipe countertops or wherever the ants are showing up. It will kill other insects as well, mainly in the hymenoperta family. "Raid Max," in the blue can, for Roaches is also good. It will kill ants too, for weeks or at least a couple of months.

Posted by: kathryne_B. on October 9, 2005 09:11 PM

not really here to down anyone. I just looked up on the net these ants I seen. they are no longer than one half inch long and fat and red and black. I just was on the quest to find out what they were. No wings I could see....pretty sure they dont have them at any stage. Just wondered if you could help me out here .....Thanks.................Mrs.Pauly

Posted by: Mrs.Pauly on January 15, 2007 09:08 PM
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