Gut Rumbles

June 11, 2005

a cure

I had the belly-pains again, very badly over the past couple of days. I went to see a Doc-In-The-Box about it today. I described my symptoms, he poked and probed, took a blood sample and came back with his expert opinion. "When's the last time you had a bowel movement?" he asked.

I stopped and thought. "I dunno, Doc. A couple of days ago, I guess."

He handed me a sample pack of medicine. "You're just plugged-up. Go home, try one of these, and if you don't feel better by tomorrow, make an appointment with a gastroenterologist." I accepted the medicine and went home. I didn't even look at it at the time.

It was a box of SUPPOSITORIES!!!

After having prostate cancer, I certainly am no stranger to having things shoved up my ass, but I wasn't exactly happy with the doctor's prescription. I was hoping for some really good pain medication. But I was hurting pretty badly and I was willing to try almost anything, including THIS cure to make myself feel better.

I read the instructions and pulled one of those things out of the box. HOLY BEJUS!!! That damn thing was the size of a .30-30 rifle round. Shoot that fucker from a gun and you could kill a full-grown deer with it. And I was supposed to stick THAT up MY ass?

Consistent pain will make you do outrageous things. I greased one up with some KY Jelly (don't ask me why I have KY Jelly available in my house--- that's a different story) and I shoved it as far as I could up my dookey-chute. The instruction said to wait 15 to 45 minutes for results. I curled up on my sofa to watch the movie In Harm's Way.

Shortly after the scene where Kirk Douglas rapes the innocent little nurse, I felt a certain stirring in my nether regions, and these stirrings weren't erotic. I walked VERY CAREFULLY to the bathroom, plunked my Cracker ass on the throne and let loose with something awesome to behold.

Thank Bejus that I wasn't smoking a cigarette at the time. The gas that came out of me would have ignited the Crackerbox the way the Hindenberg went up in flames. I think I actualy lifted my ass off the seat a couple of inches a few times, just from the rocket-thrust.

I'm going to make a terrible confession here. When I was finished, I never felt better in my life. My distended belly was back to normal, I didn't hurt anymore and I wanted to run around the neighborhood just cavorting from pure joy.

I've got three more of those things in the box and I'm keeping them. I don't care if taking them IS humiliating. They damn sure fixed what was wrong with me. And if you'll pardon the pun...

That Doc-In-The-Box knows his shit.


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my left ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Posted by: Ruth on June 11, 2005 04:19 PM

Something else you should do is clean yourself out. By that I mean do a detox. Colon, liver and digestive system. Go to a health food store ask for a detox kit..
Some you do in 1 week others in 2. For all that you got yourself crapped out, you still have a lot of stuff up in there. This will help clean you up and put good bacteria into your system. Your GI tract is the key to good health.
Also there's a book out called The Maker's Diet. It's not about losing weight, it's about eating right. Yeah it's biblical in nature but it doesn't matter what you believe, this should help you get back on track.
And just so you know, when John Wayne died, he had about 15 pounds of toxic sludge built up in his GI tract. You can bet that didn't help him and his cancer. Detox is important. Think about it.

Posted by: Ray on June 11, 2005 04:42 PM

So THAT's what you do with a suppository. And I thought for all the good they had done for me I might as well have stuck them up my ass.

Posted by: GUYK on June 11, 2005 05:05 PM

This one is ripe for a Carnival of some sort.

All of this bellyaching, and the doc tells you that you're full of shit? Heh.

Posted by: Elisson on June 11, 2005 05:11 PM

Cllassic G'Rumbles. Ought to be the preamble to the book, Rob. Laughed my colon clean.

Posted by: outfoxed on June 11, 2005 05:27 PM

Quit eating them got-damn cats and you won't get clogged up. I think you might be suffering from hairballs. Try some of Fatima Frothingslosh Pale Stale Ale. I guarantee you will shit yourself clean out.

Posted by: assrot on June 11, 2005 05:37 PM

That Doc-In-The-Box knows his shit.

Very punny

Posted by: Richard on June 11, 2005 06:28 PM

Carter's Little farter Starters work pretty good and you don't have to stick them up your ass.

Posted by: GUYK on June 11, 2005 07:05 PM

Yep, you are full of shit!

Posted by: Maeve on June 11, 2005 07:12 PM

Older people have always believed the cure all was a good shit, now you know why... enjoy

Posted by: livey on June 11, 2005 07:36 PM

Actually, this is no joke.

Constipation may be due to a low roughage diet. That can lead to diverticulosis (numerous small hernias in the wall of the large bowel). This is a nasty condition, since those diverticula can get infected and rupture. You can wind up dead or with a colostomy (a bag) for the rest of your life.


Eat an apple or two a day. It works for me. You really want to be a regular guy when it comes to this.


Posted by: joel on June 11, 2005 08:25 PM

Joel, thanks. I suffer this condition and it is no joke. The only way to keep from hurting with this problem is to insure you are never full of shit. Lots of roughage is the answer and comes from stuff like bran, cabbage, nearly all green veggies, as well as most fruits. And, when all else fails Carters Farter starters or any other laxative usually helps.

By then way, a morning walk of a mile or so is also good for the constitution of a good crap.

Posted by: GUYK on June 11, 2005 08:46 PM

Is there really such a thing as Carters Farter Starter?

Posted by: livey on June 11, 2005 09:17 PM

Cry havoc, and let slip the logs of war!

Posted by: Bane on June 11, 2005 09:17 PM

This reminds me of the doctor who gave a good ol' boy a jar of suppositories and said, "Take one of these when you get home, and call me in the morning."

The next morning he told the doctor, "Doc, that thing you gave me was awful, and for all the good it done, I might as well have just stuck it up my ass."

Posted by: Ernie G on June 11, 2005 11:28 PM

2 prizes for making me laugh out loud:

1. Acidmans "the Doc in a Box knows his shit"
2. Bane's "cry havoc and let slip the logs of war"


Posted by: Henry Blowfly on June 12, 2005 01:22 AM

All this time I have been telling you to stick it up your ass if you know whats good for you...Well, looks like I was right again. But I guess you needed a second opinion to tell you that you're full of shit.

Posted by: PJ on June 12, 2005 01:46 AM

Glad everything came out okay, Rob.

Posted by: StinKerr on June 12, 2005 02:26 AM

Bane just about killed me with that one!

I always knew you were full of shit Rob. Now we know for sure. :D

Posted by: Desert Cat on June 12, 2005 03:24 AM

Livy, used to be called "Carter's little liver pills" and were available at the local drugstore. Feds made them change the name to Carter's Little Pills because they didn't do anything one way are the other for the liver. BUt they were a pretty good farter starter and as a redneck kid thats what we called them. Our adlibbed commercial was" Does your ass sag, bag, and drag the ground? Get Carter's Little Farters for a uplift!"

Posted by: GUYK on June 12, 2005 08:29 AM

I am happy your colon responded in a right and proper manner, and it all worked out in the end. That being said.....ain't it something....the older one gets the more often casual conversation turns to ailments and what was done to correct them. This reminds me of that old joke about the parts of the body wanting to be "in charge"....of course "the asshole" won in the end.

Posted by: Guy S on June 12, 2005 12:01 PM

Glad it ended up being an easy fix! Thought you were talking abou me for a sec.

Posted by: Sean on June 12, 2005 12:06 PM

Thanks Guy, I remember Carters Little Pills, but I like your version better!

Posted by: livey on June 12, 2005 12:36 PM

ROB --- buy the metamucil drinking powder, either brand-name or generic equivalent. Have a tall glass or two every day. SIMPLE MAINTENANCE; like changing the oil in your car. best to you.

Posted by: adele(nag nag nag) on June 12, 2005 12:56 PM

You guys are too funny. Almost as funny as Rob himself!

Posted by: Joni on June 15, 2005 12:21 AM
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