Gut Rumbles
 

May 26, 2005

i shot a cat today

I went out on my back porch this morning to play guitar for the mockingbirds again. But they were in absolute uproar, along with a lot of other birds in the woods.

If you think a mockingbird can't scream, "Cat! Cat! Cat" you've never listened to them talk. I've come to understand them now, and I looked around for the source of their obvious concern. I saw it soon enough.

A nice, orange tabby-cat was climbing the tree where the mockingbirds have their nest. The birds were calling and swooping around the cat, but the merciless feline seemed bound and determined to raid that nest. I threw a rubber ball at it, but it just went around to the other side of the tree and kept climbing.

I then fetched my pellet gun, and I SHOT that fucking cat out of that tree.

I pumped only five times, which is enough to make a nice flesh wound and sting the hell out of Tabby, but not enough to kill the murderous shit-head. I hit it right in the ass, and it tried to use all four paws to rub the wound. It fell out of the tree, hit the ground and took off running.

Afterward, I wished I had used one of my silent .22 bullets and gotten rid of that sumbitch for good. I could have made a clean head-shot from where I was standing.

That's one reason I hate cats so much. I'll guarantee you that the predatory bastard has a whole feast of Meow Mix in a bowl where it lives, but... nooooo... that ain't good enough for a cat. It's got to go try to kill baby birds.

That one was a warning shot. If it comes back, I won't be so nice next time.

Comments

Fuck Cats!! The only other species of animal that kills for fun. Just Damn!

Posted by: Dax Montana on May 26, 2005 04:34 PM

Taking your word on the whole "gets fed by humans, but still likes to kill birds" thing, yeah, it deserved what it got, especially considering that its prey were just young'ins.

Posted by: JG22 on May 26, 2005 04:37 PM

You don't live in Wisconsin, do you. ;-)

Posted by: Scott Ferguson on May 26, 2005 04:40 PM

Its a hunting animal that has been turned into a damn pet. Its in his blood to hunt, it doesnt know any better. Survival of the fittest until it comes and tries eating my birds.

Posted by: Halo on May 26, 2005 04:46 PM

Trying to piss me off again?

Posted by: Laurence Simon on May 26, 2005 05:11 PM

Cats are lovable little killing machines. That is their nature. You can't really hold it against them.

Posted by: unmisinformed on May 26, 2005 05:38 PM

The younger of my wife's two cats was wandering around this am with a gecko in her mouth. The 22 yr. old female cat isn't up to it anymore. But, my Lab mix Sally hunts the geckos for fun too. After all, they admit they are predators and enjoy it, unlike some of us really dangerous predators that hide the truth.

Posted by: Dan Pursel on May 26, 2005 06:14 PM

Okay, here's a perfect example of one of the things I love so much about you...

You do a post at 11am about how bad birds are for poopin' on your car and such, then at 3:30, you're shootin' cats in the ass for messing with birds.

Incongruous much?

*rolling eyes and giggling*

Posted by: Stevie on May 26, 2005 06:56 PM

Birds are fucking cunts. The only good birds are chickens, ducks and turkeys and that's because they taste good.

The rest of them can go fuck themselves and if cats want to eat them then that's fine by me. Fucking bird cunts.

Posted by: Twenty Major on May 26, 2005 07:08 PM

Just last week I rewarded my cat Darla with a bowl of half and half for killing one of the fucking Blue Jays that screams incessantly outside my bedroom window.

If I could find their nest, I would hoist her up and drop her on the nearest branch.

Posted by: rightisright on May 26, 2005 07:14 PM

I look at the bag of black oil sunflower seed and think: birdfood.

Rick the cat thinks: bait.

Posted by: Brett on May 26, 2005 07:30 PM

My mom has a woodpecker that likes to drum on her bedroom wall every day at sunrise.

She wishes her cat would grow wings so it could kill the bastard.

Posted by: rosignol on May 26, 2005 08:37 PM

A 12 guage wiwth #9 birdshot would put it out of its misery. But, I like woody the woodpecker and all of his little peckerwoods.My tree guy wanted to take out a dead tree on the place and I wouldn't let him because of a nest of woodpeckers. If it had been the noisy fucking mocking birds I would have got out my crutch and chainsaw to help him cut the damn thing down.

Posted by: GUYK on May 26, 2005 10:03 PM

I like my birds. Shit and all.

Posted by: Acidman on May 26, 2005 10:24 PM

You'd better watch out, someday soon when you're passed out on the couch after sampling that blackberry hooch, the cat will sneak up on you....

Posted by: Claude Balls on May 26, 2005 11:54 PM

But, I like woody the woodpecker and all of his little peckerwoods.

Cool. We'll send the sumbitch over to your place, and you can put up with a hellacious racket every sunrise.

Posted by: rosignol on May 27, 2005 07:41 AM

This morning, for the third week in a row, one of our garbage cans is upturned and garbage is everywhere. I thought it was a coon, but we have a feral cat that prowls my private forest and this morning, we caught it redhanded in the garbage. Now maybe, it was a coon the tumped the can over and chewed a hole in the bottom, but the cat is gonna pay for it. We let the rotweiller chase it this morning, but the next time, I am gonna hit it with the 9mm.

Posted by: Florida Bill on May 27, 2005 09:03 AM

Regarding the cats and racoons and the garbage:

We have a lot of animals around our place. We simply place our garbage in the garage and put it out in the morning just before the garbage truck comes by at about 7:00am. I can hear the brakes about a 1/2 mile away, in case I oversleep.

We never have any trouble unless we leave a highly attractive food source outside which will bring numerous hungry animals around to investigate.


Posted by: joel on May 27, 2005 09:31 AM

If you start a "Kill the Cats" non-profit or anything, let me know...would love to donate to exterminating the little so-and-sos.

Posted by: Makrothumeo on May 27, 2005 09:38 AM

No wonder you can't get any pussy. You shoot at them. Roscoe is not going to be happy.
:-)

Give the poor cat a break. He's only doing what comes natural to him. Use the waterhose next time.

Posted by: assrot on May 27, 2005 10:19 AM

Woodpeckers. The fucking retards of the bird world.

Every fucking morning at 6:00 AM I've got one of the little fuckers pecking on my house.

My house has vinyl siding. With aluminum trim (I painted houses for years through college and grad school. No fuckin' way my house was going to need paintin'..).

You'd think after 50 or so consecutive mornings of incessant pecking and no fucking food he'd give up. But that would pre-suppose there's a brain in that addled little red head...

Posted by: Jay G on May 27, 2005 10:47 AM

The statement; 'll guarantee you that the predatory bastard has a whole feast of Meow Mix in a bowl where it lives, but... nooooo... that ain't good enough for a cat. It's got to go try to kill baby birds.

Can apply to dogs as well, or just about ANY preditor.

And; Fuck Cats!! The only other species of animal that kills for fun.

Just ain't true. I've SEEN domestic dogs with full access to all the food they wanted pack up in a group and set to killing sheep just for the hell of it.

One minute, Fido is a lovable pooch snacking on his Kibbles and Bits and the next he's paling around with a bunch of his hellion buddies ripping the throats out of 20 sheep..

Posted by: Daniel Medley on May 27, 2005 11:54 AM

Jay G - smart 'pecker, not dumb one. When they want food, woodpeckers use their bills as crowbars, not drumsticks. The loud hammering is done to establish territory, and so the louder the better.

Posted by: rvman on May 27, 2005 01:49 PM

You sir are a cocksucker. But I still like your blog.

Posted by: Eric Atkinson on May 27, 2005 02:27 PM

Uummm... that last "remark" was directed at that "makrothumeo" thing, RIGHT?

Posted by: Stevie on May 27, 2005 06:21 PM

When I see my kitty going after, and killing, one of our annoying mockinbirds, I encourage him with phrases like, "Git some!"

I just wish he were near as mean and nasty where grackles are concerned!

Posted by: Justthisguy on May 28, 2005 03:17 AM

You said: "And; Fuck Cats!! The only other species of animal that kills for fun."

Seems a bit ironic that you follow it up with: That one was a warning shot. If it comes back, I won't be so nice next time.

I guess that makes you a predatory bastard too, Acidman. You suck.

Posted by: Mermaid on May 28, 2005 06:32 PM

And I hope that if that cat was anybody's pet, they come over and shoot YOU.

So if you saw a dog sniffing around your garbage cans, do you blast some six-year old girl's puppy too?

Posted by: Ryan Waxx on May 28, 2005 07:14 PM

Hehehe...I was wondering how long it would take PETA to get here LOL.

Posted by: Chablis on May 28, 2005 10:04 PM

"I then fetched my pellet gun, and I SHOT that fucking cat out of that tree. I pumped only five times, which is enough to make a nice flesh wound and sting the hell out of Tabby, but not enough to kill the murderous shit-head. I hit it right in the ass, and it tried to use all four paws to rub the wound. It fell out of the tree, hit the ground and took off running."

Its a cat you stupid fucker, its first god damn instinct is to hunt. I hope you felt like a man watching the cat bleed and hurt. And you're calling the cat a murderous shit-head?

"...I wished I had used one of my silent .22 bullets and gotten rid of that sumbitch for good. I could have made a clean head-shot from where I was standing."
How does it make you feel to say shit like that? Powerful? In charge? Good? I understand that it tried to eat one of your precious baby birds, but it doesn't fucking know any better. Its not like a cat wakes up in the morning and says to itself "Gee, I think I'm gonna go on a murderous rampage today." A cats basic instinct is to survive on its own. Its common fucking sense; and I'm sorry that you're too retarded to figure that out for yourself.
"That one was a warning shot. If it comes back, I won't be so nice next time."
How the fuck is that a warning shot? A warning shot is when you miss, to scare it away. Not to shoot it in the ass so it falls out the tree and runs away, infected and hurt.

I sincerely hope you get cancer.

Posted by: Heather on June 5, 2005 09:41 PM

If only I didn't live in the city...I would love to unload a box of magnum shotgun shells into every last cat in my area, and smile as I watch their brains paint the pavement red. There are two kinds of people in this world, dog people and cat people...cat people are fucking stupid. They just love the stink of cat litter and shit in the morning. They don't care how many cars swerve to avoid hitting their dumbass cat daily, or that the cats antagonize the dogs in the neighborhood at night, causeing them to bark and wake everyone up. Let me tell you something, I don't swerve: I have 4 skull stickers on my car door to represent stupid ass furbags that I've smeared, and I threw a cat that harrassed my dogs nightly into the backyard (they killed it in 5 seconds flat) I'm buying a Smith & Wesson pellet revolver to keep in the back of my car(seats fold down) so the next time one of those useless bastards dodges being run over, I'll shoot it. 10 times. In the head. With hollow point .177 pellets. Then I'll bag it, weight it, and drop it in the river. AND I'LL SMILE THE WHOLE TIME!!! Am I a sick fuck? Maybe. But as long as we can have wars where our soldiers can kill other HUMANS at their discretion, I'll kill all the fucking cats I want. So there.

Oh, birds that are annoying can all die too, especially Magpies (because I've seen them cannibalize chicks) After I get my pair of revolvers I'm taking my girlfriend on a Magpie sniping date. Whoever kills the most doesn't pay for dinner!

Acid Man you Kick Ass, Amen brotha!

Posted by: Kengo on June 19, 2005 06:50 AM
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