Gut Rumbles

May 16, 2005

Carnival of the Crappers #3

Crap!!! I had this post finished and went to save it when... I must have hit the wrong button on the keyboard and flushed the whole thing. It went swirling off into the septic tank of lost posts, where it will languish forever, surrounded by tomato seeds, corn, used Tampax and other undigestable things.

I probably can't duplicate the brilliance I showed in that first post, but I'll try.

I once watched a lady in the park following a 6-pound toy poodle with a pooper-scooper. The woman diligently collected every deposit the dog left in the park, and she put her bounty into a plastic zip-lock baggie. By the time she left the park, the bag of sdhit weighed more than the dog did. How does THAT happen?

If you want to know, consult "Bear" and learn the scoop on poop. Follow that one up with facts on farts. You'll have at least one end covered.

This post sets you up for something really disgusting. I really want to meet this guy some day. His mind is in the sewer.

This is the story he was talking about. See? I TOLD you he was sick. "Poop report," indeed.

I once traded two Snickers bars and three Star Crunches for a handfull of toilet paper on a backpacking trip. You don't know just how valuable that stuff is until you don't have any.

Read this post and you might understand something about what I'm talking about.

Okay, an email missive:

Hey Rob, here is a story for you. One night we were woken up at 1:30 am, our son came in to our bed and his legs were all "wet". I had just heard him in the bathroom, so I figured he must of missed and peed on his leg. Then the stench wasn't pee, it was diarrhea. My husband and I jump out of bed and flip the lights. Sure enough, poor thing got the runs. There was a trail of it from his room and into the bathroom. As we frantically tried to clean everything up, I look in to the bathroom and there is one of my dogs. She's eating the big pile of steaming poo that is in the middle of the bathroom floor. Another dog eating poop story: After spending the morning horse back riding, I came home and started to unload the car. I noticed one of my dogs standing over a big pile of something and eating it. Turns out all the horse manure my dog ate all morning came back up and he felt it was his duty to re eat it. Dogs are dumb.......... ~maeve

This woman called me a "shithead" for leaving her out of last week's Carnival. I really can't argue with that description, but I've believe that she's REALLY jealous about that steamy night in Brazil, when she threw herself shamelessy and wantonly at me and I turned her down to go drink beer on the couch and watch soccer on TV. She never forgave me for that.

Anyway, here's her post, one week late. Hell, I got distracted. I was watching soccer on TV.

I thought that having farting contests was kind of a guy thing. If you read that post, you'll see that I was mistaken.

Okay, that's it for this week's Carnival. If I overlooked any entries... just let me know and I'll post 'em next week. Submission for next week are open


Since the earlier nickname thread is probably dead, I'm going off topic here. I knew brothers nicknamed one-ass and half-ass, one and half for short. Once saw half-ass light a fart. Don't think I was too OT, if at all.

Posted by: Will on May 17, 2005 01:47 AM

Great post. You are the fucking Dog diggity.

Posted by: Velociman on May 17, 2005 01:57 AM

Phoooey, I just flushed a Qu'ran down your crapper!

Posted by: Maggie on May 17, 2005 07:40 AM

Shit stories are just as funny as fart stories. I have not shit my pants in a few weeks, I guess it is time, I just hope I don't fill up my shoes, the next time, Cat

Posted by: catfish on May 17, 2005 08:22 AM

Sorry Rob, but you are better than that. If you are tempted to write about snot and vomit, one word. STOP!

Posted by: Ivan Ivanovich on May 17, 2005 08:51 AM

Gee I don't know if I should be flattered or insulted that the only 2 times you have acknowledged my existence is for bad body functions! Since I don't insult easy, I think I'll choose to be flattered. Thanks

Posted by: livey on May 17, 2005 11:00 AM

just surfin the net 4 somethin different ,need change ,something entertaining ,came across ur site i read ur story about the dogs eating the vomit filed shit package ,that was funny , and yes dogs r fukin stupid!

Posted by: ratbastard on July 16, 2006 03:12 AM
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